The Politics of Divorce - Benefits of Being Bipartisan

Recently many members of my family and an inordinate number of friends have informed me they are heading to divorce court. In fact I'm wondering if they should rent a bus and get a group discount. I've come to realize a lot of what happens during a divorce can be directly related to politics. There are two major parties and they both sling mud at each other hoping some of it sticks and praying it will sway members of their collective constituency to choose sides.

Of all our married friends my husband and I are in the minority of couples where both parties are on their first marriage. Even more of a minority are couples that are actually still married past the 7-year itch. We are heading into our fifteenth year of wedded bliss. Okay, not always bliss, but we're still in love. Some friends never make it to marriage at all but feel they have the right to get annoyed when we still say hello to the ex who was part of every function for four years.

It's sad that divorce is devastating on so many levels: Your family ties suffer. Your friends choose sides. You have to divide assets and debt, often requiring the sale of your home, which sometimes facilitates one or both parties moving out of town. Often one of the partners needs to find new or additional employment to make ends meet. Dropping kids off to former family members who may harbor harsh opinions of what went on can be stressful. There is always the pang of dividing up family oriented events and holidays. Nothing about divorce is easy even if you are the one that wants it.

My hope, if divorce is what needs to happen, is that you don't become the bitter, bickering, resentful people so many others have become. I have seen it first hand where the only comment former couples have about each other and each other's family is 'asshole' and I think that's just a shame. You obviously cared enough about each other at some point in the past to think you should spend the rest of your lives together and have children so it can't all have been bad. I've seen the mutually beneficial division of assets and custody of the kids happen and still there is that underlying current of anger that stymies both parties from ever moving on.

Divorce is not a measure of your or your spouse's worth as an individual it is merely a statement that as a couple you are changing and growing in different directions. You can't stand in the way of nature. It's insane to think we all stay the same forever if we did we'd all be sixteen. Just like your high school friends fall by the way side and your taste for certain foods wanes so can the emotion of being in love.

I don't think there are many people in the real world who go into marriage or divorce lightly or with malice toward the other person. In my observation most people try to hold on too long and that makes the final break uglier. When they finally get to the point of asking for a divorce it's a cutting of losses and a desperate attempt to save their own soul and regain a piece of themselves. Too often anger and frustration that has been pent up in for the sake of "saving the marriage" is finally unleashed with full force laying waste to everything in its path.

A marriage license is just a piece of paper that allows you to share financial benefits. It is not a guarantee that you will always be in love with each other and never stray or change in any way. Divorce papers are not the big bad evil that cleaves the family and friends into enemy factions. In the politics of divorce the gray area is where the family and friends want to be. The only people who have the right to see it as a black and white issue are the ones going through it.