The Pope: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

Being a recovering Catholic, I probably know about as much Pope trivia as anyone else, because as a child, I had the dream of someday growing up to be a guy who spends all day walking around in a robe. Unfortunately, a career in the porn industry just wasn't meant to be, so I took a different path and wound up being a guy who spends all day walking around in a robe because I can't afford clothes.

Anyway, getting back to the Pope, confused people ask me all the time about our man in Vatican City. They ask questions like, "What's up with this Pope fella? What makes him so freakin' special? Dude can't even get a date and he's tellin' me how to live my life?" So as a service to you, the unholy, I have put together a list of the most commonly asked questions along with answers that will surely help you see why I am never again allowed to enter a confessional or dip my fingers into holy water. Yes, I have made tremendous sacrifices so that others may learn more about the most powerful man in the world no one really listens to.

Caution: If you are Catholic, what you are about to read may shock and perhaps even offend you. Get over it!-I'm the one destined to eternity in hell.

Let's get this one out of the way. Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Are bears Catholic?

What does the word "Pope" mean?

Pope comes from the Latin "popus," meaning "guy with the funny hat." The word "Pope" was not adopted as an official title until Pope Soupy III attended the annual Vatican Halloween party as popular SNL character Beldar Conehead way back in the year 432 AD. It is said that Soupy so enjoyed the way the costume looked, that he began to wear it to all public appearances. And so the tradition of the funny hat-and the title "Pope"-began.

Does the Pope wear boxers or briefs under his robe?

The current Pope, Benedict XVI, prefers boxers because, as he revealed in a recent Playboy Magazine interview, he likes to "let my altar boys roam free."

Has there ever been a female Pope?

There are unsubstantiated rumors that Pope Anastasius III was really a woman named Stacy "Jugs" Guccione, who had been a pole dancer at the popular Rome strip club known as The Mortal Sin. It is believed that Stacy was named Pope in order to keep her quiet about the nocturnal exploits of some of the area's most respected Cardinals and Bishops.

Has there ever been a gay Pope?

No, that type of behavior is strictly prohibited by the Catholic Church for anyone who is either above or below the position of priest.

What does the Pope do in his free time?

Way back in the olden days, most Popes relaxed by having sex with and impregnating virgins, then having anyone put to death who threatened to disclose such indiscretions. After Pope Buzzkill II declared such activities as outside the scope of acceptable papal behavior, many Popes turned to other hobbies as a means for relieving the tension of daily activities. In his Playboy interview, Pope Benedict XVI said that he particularly enjoys Twittering as well as making frequent updates on his Facebook page. Benny is also an avid Texas Hold-em player and will be competing in the 2009 World Series of Poker this summer in Las Vegas.

Why is the Pope not allowed to marry?

Marriage is not permitted in order to keep the Pope's mind clear of any distractions that may interfere with making important decisions on how married people should live. How could he decide that birth control is wrong if he has a bunch of noisy, obnoxious rug rats bothering him every goddamn moment of the day? And how could the Pope possibly come to the conclusion that abortion is wrong if he has a nagging, knocked up wife bitching about how she is tired of puking every morning and how she feels like a big, bloated cow? These are decisions that quite obviously should be made by a clear-thinking, well-rested bachelor.