The Poseur's Guide to Vampires

When it comes to vampires, the poseur has his work really cut out for him. From "Dracula" to "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and from the heads on spikes out in front of Vlad the Impaler's castle to the sparkling presence of those emo "Twilight" kids, much information is out there that can trip up the unprepared poseur. Mess up on your ability to pose as a vampire expert and it can cost you a date with a girl who thinks Stephanie Meyers is the greatest author of all time. And that's saying something. When you think about it. The poseur must learn much about the history of vampires before moving onto vampires in popular culture. Once you master this aspect, you will be ready for the next lesson. Stay tuned for the Poseur's Guide to Vampires in Popular Culture.

The Poseur's Guide to Vampires: Global Bloodsuckers

The poseur needs to know that vampires are not all just Eastern European in ethnic derivation. Vampire myths exist from all around the world. Stories of creatures that resemble vampires date back to China six hundred years before the birth of Jesus. For that matter, one of the earliest vampire stories may have been that of Lilith, Adam's wife before Eve came along in apocryphal stories found in the Judaic canon that failed to make it into the Holy Bible.

The Poseur's Guide to Vampires: By Any Other Name

The poseur should be ready to drop some names that these global vampires are known by if he wants to really pass himself off as being steeped in the blood of the undead. Among the more well known foreign terms for vampiric creatures are lamia [Greece], vopyr [Russia], incubus [medieval European], doppelsauger [Germany], ulstrel [Bulgaria] and chupacabra [Mexico].

The Poseur's Guide to Vampires: Vlad the Impaler

The first thing the poseur needs to know about Vlad the Impaler is that he is considered something of a hero in Christian history. Those heads that were impaled on stakes at the order of Vlad and sometimes by his very hand, belonged to infidels who posed a threat to Christianity. Vlad Tepes was a Romanian prince who reigned during the 15^th century when the blood feud between Christian Europeans and Muslim Ottomans was particularly violent. Just as contemporary Americans view Osama Bin Laden as a terrorist while many Muslims view him as a freedom fighter, so did Europeans view Vlad as a freedom fighter while the Ottomans viewed him as a terrorist. It would not be until the 19^th century that Vlad the Impaler came to be associated with vampirism and that transformation was the result of author Bram Stoker's research into background material for his novel "Dracula." The poseur should be prepared to discount any proposition that Vlad actually was any kind of actual vampire.

The Poseur's Guide to Vampires: How to Become the Undead

When the poseur speaks of becoming a vampire, it pays to have a firmer grasp on the mythos of origins than that proffered by a hundred years of Hollywood. A number of curses exist under which someone born can become a vampire. Get ready, poseur, to learn about such things as being born with a caul, which a membrane that envelops the fetus; to be born with a caul is the sign of becoming a vampire. It was once believed in mightily than the offspring of women who were identified as witches would become vampires. Excommunication from the Catholic Church brought with it the risk of becoming a vampire. Poseurs should also point out that being buried alive could result in such trauma to the soul that it literally left the body, thus leaving the unfortunate victim a potential vampire.

The Poseur's Guide to Vampires: Signs of a Vampire's Presence

The poseur wishing to pass himself off a vampire slayer is best prepared by understanding the mythos involved with detecting a vampire. After all, a vampire can't be slayed if you can't identify it. When the poseur is discussing the ways and means of vampires, it will behoove him to drop into the conversation these means of detection of the bloodsucking undead: footprints leading from a gravesite, somnambulism, distaste for bright lights, revulsion toward garlic, a notable absence during daylight hours, long hair and nails, strange behavior by dogs, geese and horses when in the presence of the suspected vampire, evidence of broken mirrors and crosses and, of course, fangs. You're welcome.

The Poseur's Guide to Vampires: Slaying

The vampire slayer's toolkit should definitely include more than a librarian, a witch in training and a butt monkey. The poseur needs to understand that much of what passes for a vampire slayer's toolkit owes a great deal to the fictional accounts of vampires in literature of the Gothic variety. Another very important thing to remember, especially for the poseur who may actually come up against a person posing as a vampire, is that certain tools only work for certain types of vampires. For instance, the crucifix is only going to succeed in slaying a vampire borne of Christian superstition and will have little if any effect on an Egyptian or Japanese vampire. The poseur should also understand that a mere wooden stake isn't enough to kill the vampire. A stake through the heart of a vampire is related to the concept of driving a stake through the heart of any corpse that seemed to be suffering from the desire to not give up on mortality altogether. The most effective stakes are made from local hardwoods like hawthorn, ash or juniper. Garlic can keep a vampire at bay, but don't think that a container of McCormick ground garlic will do the trick; go for a garland of full, ripe bulbs of fresh garlic. The best weapon for destroying a vampire when you aren't aware of its religious affiliation remains fire; burning the body of a vampire will almost always result in a successful slaying. Failing that, the poseur is well advised to make like Wonderland's Queen of Heart: off with its head!