The Positive Power of Time-In

It has been customary for parents to rely far too much on time-out than on time-in to help their children develop positive and responsible behavior patterns. A parent uses a time-out when he or she directs the child to remain separate from a group, a person, or a place as a consequence for misbehaving in relation to that group, person or place. A parent employs the far more positive and effective strategy of time-in, on the other hand, when he or she spends time more closely involved with the child to keep that child's behavior out of destructive patterns.

Children stray into problematic behavior when they receive an insufficient supply of loving, alert, responsible supervision. Merely reacting sternly does not adequately help a child to demonstrate more appropriate behavior. For one thing, any behavior that a child engages in repeatedly becomes a habit. So by the time you react to the child's behavior, it is somewhat too late, because it already happened. By remaining close enough to your child, and aware enough of your child, to recognize when his/her behavior begins to stray, you can effectively redirect the child before she engages in a more problematic behavior.

How can you tell how closely you need to supervise your child? Only through experimenting. If 4 year-old Johnny begins relating to his little sister in a cruel fashion while you leave the two of them alone to prepare dinner, than you need to have at least one of the children with you, or you need keep them in your sights, and glance over at them as frequently as needed to spot a brewing problem. Each time that your child's behavior drifts into an inappropriate form, that form of behavior grows more strongly and deeply habitual. While it may seem like too much trouble to remain closely enough involved with your child to keep it on track, it proves far more difficult to deal with the trouble produced by a child who lacks sufficiently close and consistent oversight and loving involvement.