The Power of Forgiveness and Amends

I have had many miracles in my life however none so life giving and heartening as the gift of forgiveness and of making amends for wrongs done. It is so often that I find myself selfishly looking at my own needs in life, or forgetting to consider another's, that the simple act of looking outside of myself and caring for someone else lifts my heart to another level. It took a journey in to sobriety for me to learn about what forgiveness really means and to learn how to humble myself before others. No matter the way or reason that we learn our need to forgive or to make amends, the impact on our life and the lives of others is a gift more precious than life itself.

It is my joy to share a small part of my journey with you. I hope that it touches your heart and helps you have the courage to spread your love, amends and forgiveness on those around you. I grew up in a rather difficult home, as many of us have. The similar story that is heard so often of young children, divorce, mental illness of a parent and of children, young step parents and so the story goes on. At one time in my life the events of my childhood haunted me and followed me through life like a demon living in my soul. Those events defined my life and how I treated those around me instead of me defining my life through the lessons I had learned.

My eyes were blind for many years to the possible journeys others in my family had traveled and I lived with a deep hatred and resentment towards all members of my family. I blamed them for my own faults. I blamed them and "those" events for where my life had lead and I especially refused to ever, and I mean ever, extend a hand of forgiveness or of understanding to anyone that came in contact with me as a child. Although I had overcome many obstacles through my young life and up until my mid thirties I had never faced that resentment and fear that festered in my soul. Until I could face those feelings I could never feel the joy that I feel inside today.

Fast forwarding to today I can tell you that I have an amazing relationship with my Mother and with my Step Father who I consider my Dad now. Tears come to my eyes as I type out these sentences with the force of the love I feel for these two individuals. The force of love that was previously misunderstood hate and anger. I am a firm believer that we all do the best that we can with the circumstances that we are given at any specific time in our lives. I firmly stand by this belief as relates to my childhood and how I coped through the years after. The beauty of learning the gift of forgiveness and the gift of giving amends to those in our lives is that we can accept that not only did we do the best we could in difficult situations but those in our lives did the best they could at that time as well. It does not belittle the pain that we experienced or our perception of that pain but rather removes that pain and replaces it with the healing power of forgiveness.

As I am relaying this journey to you I'll let you know that I was in a mental facility for young children at 11 and was later put in Foster Care around 12 or 13 as a result of what I was experiencing as a child. The anger and resentments that had built up in my heart and spirit stayed there for over twenty years before I was gifted with what I am sharing with you today. The examples I will be giving of my forgiveness and amends to two parents happened after twenty years of almost no contact and almost twenty years of built up anger. If I can be blessed with the light of understanding and of giving amends after twenty years of hate and darkness, then I know in my heart that no obstacle is too large or to dark to be overcome by the spirit of forgiveness and amends.

Let's talk about my Step Dad who I will reference as Dad for the remainder of this article. I had a belief from my own perception as a child that he left me in a situation that was abusive and endangering and that he had done nothing to "make it better" or to "save me" from the situation. This perceived belief festered inside of me from as early an age as perhaps seven until my mid thirties. It festered in to a darkness and hatred that blinded me from seeing any good in a man that in actuality did more than the best he could during my childhood years and the many years after. When I share my story with others, I hear this same reaction from others time and time again. So often we carry this hatred to our graves, not realizing that all we can see is our own pain and that we have not one small inkling of the darkness and pain that the person in question is feeling or experiencing.

As I have noted, it took me a journey in to sobriety before I was gifted with the knowledge of forgiveness and amends. I believe firmly, however, that these concepts are not meant just for those that have found it necessary to become sober or clean or sane etc. These concepts are concepts of life and gifts of the spirit that once situated in our heart spread light through those around us in a manner that we will never quite understand. I was in very early sobriety (within my first year) when all of the sudden it hit me that my Dad had in fact been there for me quite often as I had grown up however in a manner that I had not seen through my anger.

He had been there every day in my childhood and cared not just for myself but a brother and a sister and a Mom that suffered with many illnesses including mental illness not diagnosed in those years. What my expectations had been of him had not in fact been possible and this man, who was in actuality only a young adult himself, had given his love and his heart to children and to a wife that were fraught with un-surmountable obstacles and traumas. The simple fact that he was there each and every day is more than my biological father had ever given and in fact was more than any other person had given in my life during those years. In fact, I learned through my own forgiveness, that he had given every piece of his being to a child (me) that was determined to hate him and hate his efforts for a lifetime. Not once in all my years has he ever maligned me for these feelings and at all times he had accepted me for where I was at and what I was experiencing. My act of forgiveness to him was simply my ability to accept him in the same.

This man that I now call Dad knows today that I love him with all of my heart. Today he knows that I gift him with the title of Dad not because he is physically related but because he deserves it. That I know his heart and his spirit is pure and that I am truly blessed to have him in my life today. This light within me, these feelings of pure surrender and acceptance of each of us doing the best that we can at each point in our life, are the gifts of forgiveness.

I will never know how much this has impacted him but I do know that I see the love in his eyes when I call him Dad and I hear the thankfulness in his voice when I talk with him on the phone. For a lifetime I feel that all he wanted was to be acknowledged for who he is. To be accepted. To be loved and thanked for all that he gave and not maligned for what I felt he could not give. It took me being willing to look outside of myself, to look outside of the very real pain that I felt as a child and a young adult and to look within his heart and his actions. When I was truly able to do this, I was able to forgive not just my perception of what he had not done but was able to forgive myself for my inability to see him for who he was and who he is today. A very honorable, loving man that is truly a Dad to me.

So, you may be wondering exactly how I came to these realizations outside of just becoming sober and working a twelve step program. You may be wondering how after twenty years I was able to re-enter the life of someone that I had carried such hatred and resentment towards. I'll share below some of the steps that I took that allowed me to get to this area of enlightenment, to share my forgiveness with him and to offer him amends for all of the years he felt the pain of my rejection. I can only share what others have shared with me and for me these words of wisdom are true life gifts. Each day that I grow as a result of others sharing their wisdom with me so that I and those around me might prosper, I feel an intense need to share them with you so that you might feel the joy that I feel inside as well.

1) Be willing to accept yourself and others for having done the best that you/they could in the situations that you were in that have caused the resentment and/or anger that you feel.

(ie: instead of focusing on what my Dad did not do in my own perception, I focus on what he did do. He was there every day when he could have left. He went to work every day so that I could eat and have a roof over my head etc.)

2) Accept your own pain and own it as your own, not as being the responsibility of someone else.

(ie: I accept that my childhood resulted in a great deal of pain within myself regardless of the intentions of others. I validate that pain and I separate it from the actions of others. The pain was real. My perception of what caused the pain most likely was not accurate. My in-accurate perception as a child is what built my resentment and anger towards my Dad. If I accept the pain and let go of the blame then I can accept my Dad for the amazing individual that he is and was)

3) Communicate and be willing to listen

(ie: the most valuable thing that I did to build the relationship I have today with my Dad was to pick up the phone the moment that I was impacted with the realizations above. I had a willingness to put my own feelings aside and voice to him these realizations. In that willingness and openness I was finally able to listen and to truly hear what he had to say. To hear the love in his voice and to hear his side of the story that ultimately helped me change the perception I had built as a child)

4) Be willing to make amends and continue making "living amends" daily.

(ie: my living amends to my "step-dad" is to love him every day and more than anything to call him the title he rightly deserves which is Dad.

I can tell you from my experience that this is one of many circumstances where I have experienced the power of forgiveness and of amends and only one of many that I will continue to experience as I grow in mind and in spirit. I hope that my sharing this journey with you will help you in your own journeys.

As a reminder, don't forget that life is not always permanent and that there are times where if we wait we lose our chance to share of ourselves with others. My Dad is now diagnosed with a rare bone disease which will soon take his life. I get to share each moment of my life with him now with the knowledge that when it is his time, he will pass knowing that he is my Dad and that I love him. Had I not traveled this amazing journey and been willing to look outside of myself and been willing to put my own pain in perspective, he would never have been given this gift nor would I have been able to experience it.

Best wishes to all as you go forward and share your heart and your forgiveness with those around you.