The Problems with Cross Cultural Relationships; Marrying a Thai

I would like to start by saying that I'm perfectly happy to be married to my Thai wife, and I'm not just saying that because she might read this. I had some wonderful girlfriends in the past, and I was close to getting married on a couple of occasions, but it was only with my wife that it felt really right. I have never regretted getting married. I get on really well with my wife, and we hardly ever argue; this is quite amazing as I can be quite an argumentative person and most people like to put me straight. Despite my great relationship though, there are problems with cross cultural relationships and these are things that people rarely seem to consider before marrying a Thai or beginning a relationship. You hear a lot of stories of disastrous outcomes when you have westerners marrying a Thai; I believe that the vast majority of these disasters are due to the fact that they are cross cultural relationships.

I have lived in Thailand for over eight years, and it feels like my home. Despite this though, it will never really be my home and I will never really understand Thai culture; sometimes it completely baffles me. This is not to say that there is something so special about Thai culture, just that it is practically impossible to fully understand another culture, and even harder when they are so different as Thai and western. I lived in England for almost twenty years and do feel that I understand the culture quite well, but I will never understand it like someone who grew up there from day one. Despite what many people might think English and Irish culture are remarkably similar; especially when you compare it with Irish and Thai culture which are completely different. So this means that there are many things about my wife that I will never understand and vice versa; my wife has been to Ireland quite a bit and that can be equally baffling for her.

A big mistake that sometimes occurs with a westerner marrying a Thai is that you will sometimes see couples that can barely communicate above baby language; the westerner can't speak Thai and the Thai only has rudimentary English. This is a recipe for disaster, and I will never understand why anyone would want to marry someone who they can't really communicate with. Cross cultural relationships are bad enough without this huge communication problem.

I think the first of the cross cultural problems that people have to deal with is deciding where to live. In my case we live in Thailand, and I'm happy with this the majority of the time. The fact is though, that living in another culture can mean having to occasionally deal with culture shock. I think this happens to everyone and it involves periods where everything about Thailand seems wrong; the usual response is to complain about everything. As I say this is a natural reaction to living in a foreign country where you will never really belong; the problem is that it can be really difficult for your Thai partner to hear somebody going through these periods of belittling their country - I would feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot. I have worked with lots of Filipino nurses in England and Ireland and have heard them complain bitterly about their host country; what they were doing is natural but it can be hard to listen to if it is your culture they are attacking. So this type of thing can put a strain on a relationship.

Another potentially big problem with marrying a Thai occurs when you have children. It is often the case that you want your child to have all the good from your own culture without the things that annoy you about their other culture. This can really put you on a war path with your spouse and could put a great strain on the relationship. One thing that I learned from listening to other people is that you should never say bad things about their other culture to your child; it can be very conflicting for them.

A cross cultural relationship can be fantastic, and I wouldn't change a thing. If these issues are considered then they can be dealt with a little work and compromise. The problem occurs when people rush into marrying a Thai without thoughts of the potential problems.