The Problems with Having a Head Injury and Medication

The medical community has come a long way in science. We have more opportunity and help than ever before. When it comes to medication, sometimes I feel like a science experiment because it's not all cut and dry.

Let me explain. It's all a matter of balance and perspective. Balance because I'm the one living the experience and perspective because I have to explain to doctors what I'm going through; so that they can help me. I know that my brain has been through a traumatic experience, and although it happened years ago (I was hit by a car when I was three years old); I have to figure out how to best live my day to day life and be a contributing member of society.

The medication that my doctor prescribes, I always take as directed. I go about my day to day activities and I can feel a difference when I do take the medication. If I don't take the medication, I can automatically feel the effects of not doing so. Some of the effects are not being able to sit still and focus on anything without the idea of committing suicide, popping into my head. I don't need a reason or rational idea to send me over the edge, it could be anything, really.

The reason that I say that I sometimes feel like a science experiment is because sometimes the medication stops working and it needs to be changed. The way that I know when it stops working is, when I start thinking all crazy. Usually, I'll have a big problem focusing on anything and I might be crying a lot. I have been hospitalized for depression three times, so far; in my life. I'm 38 years old and I still don't know if they are ever going to find the right medication for me.

The first time that I was hospitalized was in 1997. I was suicidal. I had quit a job because I had a relationship with a co-worker that just didn't work out, the place where I worked had just under gone new management and I didn't trust the new managers because of my experience with them. I also had a drinking problem that I wasn't willing to admit to. At that time, the doctors changed the dosage of my medication and that seemed to help.

So, after that I was onto living life again. I had to get a regular doctor and have regular visits to monitor the medication. During that time I had met a girl that I liked in 1998. We dated for a while and shortly after, moved in together. We got married in 2000. We had a son together in 2002. Our marriage fell apart in 2005 and I was off to the hospital again for having thoughts of suicide. This time at the hospital was different though, because I was having problems in my marriage, I didn't trust anybody; not even the doctors when I first got there.

That time, they also changed the medication. The doctors had tried to call my wife to get her to come in and talk with the doctors and I but she was unwilling to do so. I found out while I was in the hospital that my wife had supposedly filed for divorce. I knew the relationship was not going well and because I had put in so much work in this relationship, I had problems coming to terms with it.

After going through some intense counseling with the doctors, I realized that getting a divorce was the best thing to do.

So, when I got out of the hospital; I found out that she hadn't really filed for a divorce yet. At that time, I went ahead and got an attorney and filed for a divorce with the help of my parents. This, was probably the toughest experience of my life because my character was being put at issue and since I was the main caregiver for my son for the two years before that; I was having a hard time with it.

Accusations were going back and forth in court. I was telling the truth of what really happened and the court didn't want to believe me. I had to get a restraining order from my wife; so, that meant that she wasn't allowed to come within a thousand feet of me, without being arrested. At the time, I was having money problems and my cell phone had recently been disconnected.

So, when she violated the restraining order one day, by coming over and trying to talk to me, I had no way to call the police. At the time, my son was two years old. He was excited to see his mom and I had no choice, but to open the door (The court had awarded me temporary custody of my son). I had concerns about calling the police in the first place because I was concerned about what the effects would be on my son of seeing his mom being arrested.

I was hospitalized again in 2007. This time I was having problems with my girlfriend who I was living with. Anyway, that time they also changed the medication. So, you can see that finding the right medication to take; is much like rocket science. It's complicated.

My apologies go out to the reader who is reading this, because my mind wonders. I hate to use the excuse of; well, I have a head injury but, I do. And that, is the truth.