The Prodigal Son and My Own Journey Back to the LDS Faith

Serious reflection upon one's life is always a healthy occupation. Sincere self-examination of our strengths, weaknesses, successes and failures help characterize who we are. Life experiences defines our very own nature and perception of our peculiar reality and place in society. What is even more positive about a deep inner self-reflection is that it allows ourselves to step outside of our own perception (proverbially speaking) to see who we are and how we have developed over time. It is in this moment of self-reflection where raw truth and honesty about our character defines which paths we will traverse and which paths we will avoid. Self-reflection, in the end, is a position to not only learn from our own struggles, fears, shortcomings, and personal oppression; but, it is a position where we can draw from this well of experience and share how we were able to make it through those darkest moments of our lives. In one context, it allows us to see how far we have fallen and our need to seek forgiveness and restoration to that which we had previously enjoyed.

The context that I am referring to here is personal apostasy and the sudden awareness of realizing how far we have allowed ourselves to fall, the desire to be restored back into a full healthy functional individual who is a productive member of society. Granted, some may not think on these very terms and idealisms as I have come to understand them, but the reality is - we all, at some point, come to a crossroads where we remain prisoners of our own destructive habits and lifestyles, or make a change to break the chains that hold us captive. Thus, in my own personal life, I re-examine the parable of the Prodigal son and realize that the road back to full restoration is one of the hardest paths one could traverse.

According to Luke 15:11-32, we find the parable opens up with Christ describing a wealthy father who has two sons. The youngest of the two comes before his father and requests to have his portion of the inheritence given to him. For whatever reason, the father gives to the younger son his portion of inheritance. Upon receipt of this, the young man then "gathers up all his things" and took his journey to a far city. The text states that in this far country, the young man "wasted his substance on riotus living'. It is when a famine strikes, the young man finds himself completely destituted. Out of this destitution and inability to provide for himself, we continue to read that the young man becomes a hired hand to a citizen of this far away country. Here, he is feeding the swine keeping himself from eating the very food the swine were enjoying. In this, the young man reasons within himself how blessed his fathers hired servants are in the ability to provide for themselves.

It is in this moment of reflection (whether it is a day, a few days, a week, is a matter of speculation), the young man finally concludes that he must approach his father, seek his forgiveness and ask that he be hired on as a servant.

Many times in my life I had found myself without shelter, food, and the ability to provide for myself. Time and again I had to go to a day labor hall just so I could earn a little bit of money so that I could buy what little food that money would allow me to purchase.

The applications this has, as previously stated, is in many different forms. Two of the most prominent applications is the spiritual destitution one comes to after they have abandoned the truth and their testimony. The second is more physical and has its basis in the material dependence upon us. It is a story of how one became irresponsible in their stewardship over their finances, their livelihood, and spiritual health.

Why do people fall away? Why do some become addicted to harmful drugs? These are honest questions that many in our society attempt to answer and address in many forms and ways. Unfortunately, the only person who could truly answer these questions are the very owns who have come to a realization of how far down the road of self-destruction they have found themselves. For me, it was both of a spiritual destitution and of a physical destitution.

Much like the prodigal son here in the parable, I too had found myself wanting. Homeless on the streets of Seattle, Washington with only a backpack filled with all my worldly possessions. No friends, no place to rest, barely having enough to eat, I had truly came to the end of the rope and barely hung onto a single fray of thread. The precipice I had found myself on was to either become lost among the many nameless people who had given up hope, faith, and survived on the scraps of society as beggars; or, to start on the path of recovery and restoration, finding forgiveness for those transgressions I had made against myself, family, and God.

As I reflect upon all this now, I realized how difficult it was. How doubts would spring up in my own thoughts as I began the slow ardious journey back to a healthier life. At first, it was a matter of how am I going to survive? I could not worry about what was going to happen tomorrow, I had to focus on how and what I was going to do today.

This very thought brings to mind the words of our beloved Lord and Savior said in Matthew 6:25-34, KJV

²⁵Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

²⁶Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

²⁷Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

²⁸And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

²⁹And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

³⁰Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

³¹Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

³²(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

³³But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

³⁴Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

This was a position I had found myself in. I could not foresee what the next day would bring. My focus became what needed to be accomplish on that day. I knew I had to work, I knew I had to find some sense of stability. Yet, above all else, more important that sustenance in my life, the reality struck me was my attitude, behavior, and perception had to change so that this circumstance in my life could be preventable. This began a serious of questions. Why have I always found myself in this position? Why were there anyone around to help me? The answers were based on the fact of dependence. I had to learn how to fend for myself and be dependent upon my own means and measures to pull myself out of the dire straits I had found myself in. It is a journey only I had to make. No one could make it for me.

Without knowing this, and literally living day to day, I had set in motion basic goals. No matter what, show up every day and work. It did not matter how tired I was because I had not slept in a day or so. What mattered was that I needed a job. Many times I worked, fighting to keep myself awake because my body craved rest. The situation I was in, I had to deny the necessary rest so that I could exert myself every available attempt to remain working so I could make what little pay to have something to eat.

Within a week, I had came across a program where it helped people regain their confidence and become fully self-sufficient. A transitional housing. The door opened and I was allowed to come into the program. From here, thoughts of returning back to the LDS Faith crept into me. Many times I wanted to call on the Bishop, or Missionaries. Yet, being stubborn, thinking that because my reliance on God and faith had diminished my life to rubble, I needed to not rely on others.

It was during this time of reflection that I sat down one day and wrote. It started off as a poem, then it become an essay. A personal esssay of my innermost thoughts. The true self crying out to be heard, the voice of my inner most being spoke out in such a profound way that I still reflect upon this essay entitled My Question-My Being. A powerful essay that expressed the raw emotions that had tugged at me.

As I slowly began to reinvent myself, more opportunities opened up. Better employment, ability to put aside money, ability to move from the transitional housing program and into my own place. It was here that I had tasted the sweetness of freedom from my own personal captivity. Yet, my journey was not complete. I still felt hungry, thirsty, and completely shipwrecked. What was missing from my own life? Faith and Hope. Not the kind that kept me going through those darkest times of my life, but a different kind of faith and hope.

The more I thought about these things, the more of a realization that the missing aspect was that of my testimony and relationship with a Loving Heavenly Father. It was here that I came to the second crossroads of my life. Regaining my faith and hope in God.

In this moment of reflection that I realized His loving hand and protection was upon me through those darkest times and hours. It was also at this point in time that I had come across one of my favorite poems, the meaning and the words struck me more powerfully than they had the many times I read the poem while in my youthful state of naivity and ignorance. These very words had become so true:

...I noticedthat during the low periods of my life,when I was suffering fromanguish, sorrow or defeat,I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord,"You promised me Lord,that if I followed you,you would walk with me always.But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my lifethere have only been one set of footprints in the sand.Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?" The Lord replied,"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,is when I carried you."

This famous poem, of course, is Footprints in the Sand, originally written back in 1934 by Mary Stevenson.

Sometimes, when we do not feel that the Lord is working in our lives, when He seems so distant and far from us, in reality are the moments in times when he is the closest to us, guiding us, speaking to us, and comforting us in many ways and forms. The only reason, in my humblest of opinions, that we do not recognize this until after the fact is that we are so focused on the circumstances we are in and react out of our own fear and despair.

Once I had realized the strength did not come from my own efforts, but given to me so that I was empowered to move onto the next step reflected heavily upon me.

Yet, I had not given myself fully over to believing in God once again, nor any "spiritual" faith for that matter. It was not until I faced a situation where I was losing my stability I had fought so hard to maintain.

While the recollection of the specific day escapes me, what I am able to remember is that there were several used bookstores operating in the University District of Seattle, Washington. Many times, I would venture into these shops to see what books are lining the shelves of the religious section. Most of these times, there would be several copies of the Book of Mormon. And, yes, on some occasions, I would pick one off the shelf, open it up and just breifly look at the first few pages before putting the book back.

What is even more interesting is that whenever I would step out of my apartment, I could not walk a couple blocks before seeing a set of LDS Missionaries. It was not until on this particular day that I had stepped out of the bookstore that I ran into a couple missionaries. I excused myself and quickly moved past them so that I could catch the bus. They did not bother me and went on their way. While waiting for the bus, someone had a copy of the Book of Mormon in their hand. They were laughing at how the Missionaries gave them the Book and they promised to read it to appease the young men. This gentleman decided to leave the book on the bench. I froze. Well, time seemed to have frozen as he got onto the bus. I just sat there dumbfounded. Staring at the book for a long moment. When someone came to sit down on the bench, they picked up the book and asked if it was mine. I stammered a bit before reluctantly taking it from them and apologizing. Nothing more was said as I placed it in my backpack and sat there. The bus came and went, and I found myself forgetting what it was that I had planned on doing, nor where I was heading.

One thing was for sure, I needed to get something to eat. On my way home, I had stopped off at the IHOP, and sat in the smoking section (months before the smoking ban was voted in), ordered something to eat and began to read the title page. My food came and I sat there, smoking on cigarettes, drinking coffee, and reading the Book of Mormon.

Before I knew it, a couple hours had transpired and I realized that I needed to get home. Instead of putting the book back in my backpack, I carried it with me the several blocks I had to walk to where I lived. When I got into my efficency apartment, I sat down at the table and began to read where I had left off. Already marking passages where it talked about repentance, blessings and cursings when it came to being obedient to the laws and commandments of God. As I kept reading, the more I kept realizing that I had spent much of my life from my mid twenties to my mid thirties missing many blessings. I became aware that I had offended God, that I did not live up to the standards and committments one ought to live up to. While my world was falling apart around me, the realization of where I stood in regards to having a real honest true testimony and faith on God the Father and Jesus Christ never really took root in my life and my heart.

In this, my attitude towards God was superficial. My questions and doubts began to rise up within me again. How many times had God let me down? How many times was he not there for me when I needed him the most? The more these questions nagged at me, the more I looked back to where I had come from, the darkness I had just experienced a year or so prior to all this.

When I reached the promise recorded in Moroni 10:4, a revelation came into my mind and heart. I had read the Book of Mormon. I had studied and defended the LDS Faith in my early to mid-twenties. I had left the LDS Faith and became a Born again Christian. I believed and embraced the doctrines of Calvinism and Reformed christianity as the true biblical doctrines of the Bible. Yet, with all this knowledge, with all this understanding that I had, none of it matter because it was right then and there that I personally came to know that I never once had a true testimony of God, of Jesus Christ, or of the Book of Mormon.

In a moment of humility, I knelt down and prayed. It was the third day from when I had first took hold of the missionary copy of the Book of Mormon. I wanted to believe. I wanted to know beyond any shadow of doubt that my Heavenly Father truly loved me, that He truly had been and still was a part of my life. I wanted that testimony that I had never acquired. In the most humble and sincerest prayer I had ever uttered in that small room, I knelt in prayer. I did not know if he was going to answer me. I did not know anything. All I knew was that I was in darkness and that the only person who truly held the answers that I sought after was not in some books, but coming before my Heavenly Father in prayer.

As I prayed, my mind started calling up all my bitterness that harbored in my soul, all the anger I had held towards those who offended me, the frustrations in my life, the disappointments, the rejection, the abandonment that I had experienced all came out in my prayer as I went from kneeling to prostrating myself and crying against the cold linoleum floor. A wave of peace filled me as I felt a hand touch me. There were no words, but an overpowering sense of comfort. I laid there, crying, allowing all the emotions that I had bottled up inside to finally be released in one powerful moment. I had received the answer that so long had escaped me.

I started to see what I could do to go back to church, to find out how I could become a full member, in good standing so that I could start receiving the blessings that I had denied myself so many years.

As the progression towards a restoration of my own faith, of making a way out of my own personal apostasy, I had decided to seek out and make new friends who were strong in the Church. Not those who are superficial, but men of courage and faith. I also sought out someone that would be a strong companion in my life, one who would have a strong testimony of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. In both instances, I found them.

Yet, when the storm rose up again and I found myself not able to maintain my own stability, I had approached my girlfriend at the time and we both decided to move in together. Upon this, I stepped back a bit and fell into the old ways of myself. Finding reasons why I could not embrace or accept the doctrines of the LDS church. I had experienced the most profound experience (outside of my acceptance of Christ as my Lord and Savior years prior to all this), yet here I was back at not wanting to go to Church. How the Church wronged me and disappointed me. I caved into the seeds of doubt.

As my relationship grew with the lady I moved in with, so also was her concern about returning back to the Church. She kept asking me; "What would you do if I decided to start attending Church?" I remember always responding to how I would support her. While I had my own questions that I needed answered to. She would then ask, "What if I want us to start attending Church, would you go with me?" I would answer that I would.

On several occasions, we would argue about religion, doctrine, and the like. Yet, it was not until one day she happened to get on my computer and I had just posted something to an anti-mormon website about how wrong and deceitful the Mormons were. She came to me and confronted me on this.

When I looked into her eyes, I realized how hurtrful she was, how precious her testimony in the Gospel is very sincere. No amount of apologizing could take away that moment of pain. When we were done arguing and fighting , I was left alone to my own thoughts. After some time of reflection, I had decided to request that my username be removed from the site. I fought the temptation to post on that site, to set up a new username or anything. My relationship was in trouble and either I had to start swimming or start drowning. I chose to start swimming.

Within a week or so, we started having hometeachers come over. We started talking. The more they showed up, the more we both decided to start working our way back into the church. We both started working together in support of one another. Even through some of the rough times we have had to deal with. The home teachers challenged us, the Bishop challenged us.

Today, we are married. We are still struggling because of the economy right now, but we are managing as best we can. We are becoming more and more active in the Church as much as possible until we both have gone through our own process and road back to restoration.

What then have I learned in my experience? What is the life lesson here for me personally?

It comes with understanding another scripture passage that I believe is not really fully investigated and understood. That is the story of a nation in captivity who are then led out by one man into the wildernesss. For forty years,. they journey in the wilderness before being allowed to enter into the land of promise. And, in order for them to enter into this land, they have to make war with those inhabitants of the land.

How does this relate to those who are contemplating on returning back to the faith? Relate to those who have loved ones that have fallen into personal apostasy?

Sometimes, we have to wander in our own spiritual wilderness before we could fully step into the land of promise. In order to do this, we have to first recognize our spiritual captivity, then journey out of that captivity and prepare ourselves, only to battle our way into and take hold of the land of promise.

Meaning, we have to undestand that we must rely upon God. He is just and true. While we may not understand it, he knows all things and all things come about for his own good will and pleasure.

Maybe there are some who are reading this that have left the church and embraced modern Evangelical Christianity, yet wonder within themselves whether or not the Church really is true. Maybe there are those who are experiencing hardships in their lives and they have no testimony, or their testimony is weak and the doubts are crashing in on them. Others may be journeying through their own wilderness, wondering what is the next step.

No matter where one finds themselves, the story of the Prodigal son is not about how depraved and destituted one had become, but it is about one who took the courage to journey through their own wilderness to come before a loving father and confess unto their father how they had sinned against him and to request that their father forgive them and restore them to a hireling position.

It is this aspect of the parable that we now turn to and come to fully understand. The father called forth for a servant to bring the best rope. The father then placed the finest robe upon his son, as well as a ring.

What is even more profound on this is that before this, the Father sees his son and runs to his son, embracing him.

The parable ends where the celebration of the younger son is about redemption. The father had thought his son was dead, yet here, the prodigal son is alive, humble before his loving father.

When someone returns back into the fold, though they were once dead, they are now alive and how much more so ought we celebrate this. While we may never fully understand the treacherous journey one had to take, the reality that they have come through and made their return back into the righteous fold, our Loving Heavenly Father embraces them with the divine love a father has for his child.

What then of my faith in God? Why choose to come back to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and not modern evangelical Christian?

My answer to this charge is because of what Christ's true Church is built upon and not what we believe or understand it is built upon. Christ's true church is built upon divine revelation that Jesus is the Christ, Son of the Living God. It is this testimony that the gates of Hell are not able to prevail against.

I do now have a testimony that Christ is not only my Lord and Savior, but that the Book of Mormon is also another testament to the reality and power of Salvation. I have come back to the LDS Faith, not because of my wife, nor of reading somewhere how and why Mormonism is the true Biblical Church, but that it is by and through the power of divine revelation that I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father who has always and will always direct and guide my path.

These are my thoughts, my own experiences. Many others may have different experiences than I have, but the reality is that this is how and why I have made my journey out of captivity and back into the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.