The Pros and Cons of Different Mothering Styles

Some mothers eagerly plan and prepare for pending motherhood, picking the right time in their life, planning ahead on everything from type of childbirth to whether to breastfeed or even looking forward to issues such as discipline and education. And then, some mothers give it little thought. They either become pregnant accidentally or without little thought or preparation and they enter into motherhood as just another stage of their life. Children from both mothers can either grow up to be wonderful models of perfect child-rearing or potential axe-murderers. Okay, maybe not so much on either end of that spectrum, but what type of mother we are rarely decides just exactly who or what our children will become under our mothering. Even if we feel that their entire future depends upon every decision we make in regards to them.

I like to think that there are three main types of mothers. There is your Control Freak mother who is disciplined and completely in control. This is the mother who schedules everything including precise nap times and to the ounce feeding times. She buys the right clothes, has found an above average pediatrician, and has a complete outline of what preschool, elementary school and even college will be right for her child. Her children are always clean, neatly groomed with hair combed and barrettes in place. They say please and thank you appropriately and they eat dinner at a pre-ordained time with all family members present. Yes, she's June Cleaver in Leave it To Beaver.

Then there is your Whatever mother. She watches soap operas during the day or spends hours online surfing the net. She rarely knows exactly what her offspring is doing at any precise moment and when asked where they are, will mumble something about.."oh..hmm..I think they're playing.", without ever specifying where the playing is occuring or what it might involve. This is the mother who thinks sugar sweetened cereal is a nutritious breakfast, who believes that any child with a jar of peanut butter and some bread has mastered survival. This is the mother who forgets the class play date, never volunteers to bring cookies to school parties and forgets to put the suntan lotion on everyone at the beach. It isn't that she doesn't love the little monsters, it's just that she thinks children are better off figuring out their own stuff and she's just there for the absolute emergency backup.

And somewhere in between these two spectrums are the rest of us, mothers who are desperately trying to figure out this parenting thing and wanting to make sure that we get it right. While the Control Freak and the Whatever are stereotypes of extreme mother styles, there is some truth in both models. We all have different personalities and we cannot be anything other than who we are. So is all hope lost? Of course not, but knowing what type of personalty we have will help us adjust and accept our own unique parenting style.

There is a great book out called MotherStyles: Using Personality Types to Learn to Parent From Your Strengths by Janet Penley with Diane Eble. The book explains that there are 16 different styles of mothering. Yes, 16, and all of them have their pros and cons.

For instance, if you are an extrovert mother, you'll need lots of friends, parties, fun activities. Being alone with a screaming toddler for hours without breaks might be a little more difficult for you. Extroverts enjoy working with others, meeting new people and like being part of the larger world. Introverted mothers on the other hand are more comfortable being at home in their own secure place and home they have created. They think things through carefully, need schedules to focus on their deeper inner goals. They like people just fine, but they might prefer just having a close one on one relationship with another mother and her child rather than large play groups of people in their house.

Your child on the other hand, might have the opposite personality of yours and so you'll need to help them find other friends to play with if they are extroverted and need lots of excitement. If you are an extrovert and your child is an introvert, you're going to know it. They will be shy, less ready to reach out to strangers and other children. You will have to respect that and encourage rather than insist on big noisy play group activities. There are many other personality traits that need to be considered in discovering your own unique mothering style, but the Mother Styles book outlines are a good place to start and it's a great read.

Some of the motherhood types that Penley and Eble have identified include the following examples.

The super-responsible mother: This style closely aligns with my Control Freak Mom above but in a more realistic way. This mother is focused of having order and routine in her family. She needs structure and wants her children to have good structure and schedules in their everyday life. Her structure may seem stifling to other mothers but she needs order to maintain her own sanity. The book suggests that she should find some uninterrupted quiet time each day to recharge herself, as this mother works very hard at mothering.

The action-adventure mother most closely fit my own mothering style. This mother thinks life is one big adventure and is happiest when she's not stuck in dull routines like the super responsible mother. This mother is the one that will wake the kids up on a summer morning and inform them that they're all going to the beach for the day, and the beach is 2 hours drive away! She's parents on the surface.Her kids always know what she's thinking and what's she up to. This type of mothering can often have very close and honest relationships with her children. However, on the con side, she also doesn't have dinner on the table at 6:00 each night, she may over-stress tired children with too much fun, and she's not great about keeping the laundry caught up! This mother will often feel like she's not handling the day to day boring details of life very well, and play the blame game with herself.

The tender loving care mother sounds like the mother I wanted to be! She provides her children with loads of affection and a calm daily routine. She is gentle and sensitive to her children's feelings and she has a strong sense of duty to her children's needs, often putting them first before her own needs. She loves having a organized smoothly running home and delights in being domestic and having strong family traditions. However, because she ignores her own needs so much, she may have trouble developing her own independence as children begin to grow up and leave home. And her children may feel somewhat guilty for not being there for her as much as she would like. Developing some space in her closeness to her children is a good thing for this mother to work on.

The independence is key mother is a mother who values her children becoming strong and independent adults. She constantly encourages them to do things for themselves and not rely on her. She expects them to follow the rules, work hard and make their own lunches and other daily tasks. Chores and routines are important to her in teaching them the right way to do things and set goals. This mother, however, can be too demanding and needs to learn to allow her children to be "just kids" sometimes and be more tolerant of their childhood mistakes and errors. She can be a hard task master and needs to loosen the reins and just learn to enjoy her children.

The above four examples are distinct types of mothering, but of course, no one ever fits a model completely. The fact is that mother styles vary widely and within all styles there are certain key elements that we can develop that will allow us to enjoy the process of being a mother. First of all, we need to relax and enjoy our children. Have some fun with them! The fun times are the times our children will remember the most. Be spontaneous sometimes, go for a picnic even if the house does need to be cleaned. Have ice cream sundaes with all the toppings just because for fun one day. Take time to sit and read a favorite story over and over and over without questioning. Give your child the gift of yourself and for one whole day do whatever the child wants. Let them be in control. And finally just relax. Motherhood goes fast, children grow up swiftly and children almost all grow up to be loving, competent adults. Yours will too.

Resources:

Parenting style examples from the book, MotherStyles: Using Personality Styles to Learn to Parent From Your Strengths by Janet Penley with Diane Eble