The Proverbs Woman: The Essence of Being a Wife

"Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her so that he knows no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:10-12

According to statistics the divorce rate for 2008 was 60%. Wow. What is going on with our families?! The impact of divorce is far reaching too. According to ezine articles over 1 million children watch as their parents split apart, and half of the babies born this year will experience it.

Surely, there has to be a way to keep our families together. I believe that there is.

My husband and I struggled for the first few years of our marriage and I found myself wanting out at one point. We separated for a small amount of time even. We were on a roller coaster ride and I wasn't entirely certain how it was going to end -- until one day when I stumbled upon the Proverbs woman. I discovered as I read the verses, and applied other verses from the Bible, that I had to change my attitude. Change had to begin somewhere, and if I wanted this change badly enough then I was going to have to step up to the plate and do something about it. The change was going to have to begin with me. This is the first part to a series devoted to marriage. I want to delve into how to keep our marriages in tact... and not just keep them together, but keep them alive and joyful. It can be done.

"The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places. Isaiah 32:17-18

God has made a promise to us (see the verse above). Oh, to have peace in our marriages, it almost seems like a far off dream that could never be reached... but, it is possible. I'm not talking about a fairytale romance where the princess and the prince ride off together to live in a castle forever and ever with songs and laughter and sunshine every day. Anyone who has ever been married or known people who are married knows that marriage is hard work. A fairytale, no, but a real life couple working together as a team, dependent on one another, loving one another, leaning on one another through the trials of life... this is obtainable. I know it is, because I have that now with my husband. It's like I said, the payoff of my changed attitude was worth it.

"If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all." Mark 9:35b

I was not placed on this earth to be catered to. That was a first fact that I had to swallow, and it was tough to get down. Essentially, if I am going to follow Christ, and be serious about it, then I had to get and keep a servant's heart. It's a funny thing, though, a servant's heart. It seems so much easier to give to people who don't live in the house with me. I mean, I can be polite and thoughtful for a time, but then when I return home, having to maintain that kind of attitude with my husband isn't easy. But, you know what, I don't have to be perfect. I just have to try. And, I discovered that the more I made my husband the object of my affections the easier it became, and the payout was amazing. It wasn't just my attitude that began to change, but his as well.

"Never spiteful, she [the wife] treats him [the husband] generously all her life long." Proverbs 31:12 (The Message version)

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

Essentially, to plant the seed to having a good marriage begins with controlling our mouths. It is actually the single most important factor to gaining peace.

"Indeed, we put bits in horses' mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!" James 3:3-5

Our words have a major impact on our environment, our thoughts, our attitudes, and essentially our life. How do you want your husband to treat you? Do you want respect, gentleness, caring, love, patience, mercy shown to you? Then, you must show it to your husband. It will come back to you.

"Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 7:12

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap." Galations 6:7

"But this I say: He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Corinthians 9:6-7

It's an easy thing to consider, but not such an easy thing to put into action. When we are angry or frustrated or feeling unappreciated then our emotions can get the best of us. It isn't possible to start and expect perfection all at once. This is a time to take baby steps. To begin, take one of these scriptures or another one that speaks to you and meditate on it. The scripture that grabbed my heartstrings was "the heart of her husband safely trusts her." I wanted to be someone that my husband not only could trust not to have cheating thoughts, but someone he could trust his whole heart with. I wanted to be someone that he could tell his secrets to... someone he could rely on for support, encouragement, growth. I didn't want him to be afraid to tell me when he messed up, or when he was weak. I wanted to show him mercy... because I wanted the same kind of mercy shown to me.

Focus. I think that was the biggest factor in helping me change my attitude and my approach to dealing with my husband. I had to change my focus from the things that irritated or angered me to focusing on the things that were good. Instead of thinking about the things he did that made me mad, I would consider what kind of day he had. Where was his bad attitude coming from? I loved that he would cook for me and the children, and appreciated it, so I began to tell him that I appreciated it. I learned to appreciate his strong arms, his sensitive nature, and I learned to find ways to compliment him on those things when I could. With the mindset of "we reap what we sow," I wanted him to see and appreciate the good things in me too, so I set about sowing, and I did reap. Slowly I began to boost his confidence in himself, and, in turn, he did the same for me. It took a little time, but little by little it got easier.

Look for the things in your husband that you would miss if he were gone. Focus on those things and gently let him know that you appreciate those things. Start watching for opportunities to show him gratitude. Little by little, day by day, those little things you see in him that you like will become your focus.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13