The Psychological Approach to Healthy Parenting: Part Two

We discussed in part one of this article the types of abusing that takes place so often in homes and what is considered abusive behavior. In this piece we'll take a closer look at the long term affects of abusing a child mentally an emotionally through parental alienation and over achievement.

Dr. Ginger Enrico graduated with a PhD in clinical psychology from the University of Texas at Dallas Southerwestern Medical Center in 1989. She has been seeing children, adolescents, couples, families and individual adults since her first grad school practicum days in 1979 so she has seen a lot in the way of this topic. It took 11 years to finish a masters and a PhD while raising two kids. Dr. Enrico shares her thoughts and experience in this field to enlighten parents of all walks of life and open their eyes as to this alarming and abusive parent trap.

Abusing Your Child: Over Achievers

Yes, the over achieving child. It seems more and more these days children are joining this group and that sport and this youth organization, etcetera. More often than not a child is urged and sometimes even forced into numerous activities to 'help' them through the tough separation or custody matters. Parents seem to doing this for one of two reasons. Either they feel as though the child will benefit to keep as busy as they can to take their mind off the parental problems, or they try to 'out- involve' the other parent. By this I mean "little Jimmy can't spend this time with you cause he has soccer and boy's scouts this weekend." Yep, it boils down to controlling parenting time.

Unfortunately, there is a major problem with this. By over-involving your child in several functions you are draining them, using them, and not allowing them to rest appropriately. "I sometimes get worn out just listening to all the functions that a single child is involved in. When you realize that you are spending more time with your child in your car than you are real quality time at home with each other, that should be a red flag." Dr. Enrico points out.

"A good parent needs to limit the activities of their child. Don't keep adding more weight to their shoulders. This type of over whelming behavior can lead to sleep disorders, mood swings and drops in their grades at school... children are not meant to be pushed like that."

Abusing Your Child: Parental Alienation

If parents truly care for their child and take their parenting role seriously then they should try to be friendly with each other for the best interest of the child. "Often times anger over past marital issues will consume mom and dad. Becoming friends is not only healthy for everyone in the family but it also teaches the child a positive way to deal with family conflicts."

By showing your child the maliciousness of your actions and the vindictive streak inside you concentrate on the loving and caring side instead. You don't want to be viewed in later years as the one who sabotaged a relationship between your child and the other parent. Children do grow up and when they do they are able to step back and examine their own childhood... especially when they have kids of their own. If you don't do everything you can to promote a healthy relationship between them then you are attempting to alienate them.

Some issues can get completely out of hand; ruining the parent/child relationship through facts or fallacies, lying to make one look better than the other, back stabbing and in some extreme cases the child is even abducted to hurt the other parent. All of this is considered abusing the child involved.

"One important thing that some parents don't realize about their behavior, your children will remember your actions and how you handled the adult issues of their childhood. For instance, when your child comes to you to share a great time with the other parent don't be offended. This can sometimes lead to feeling that you need to compete for affection or even jealousy. Instead, when your child is happy about the visitation you should be happy with them and share a positive moment. Don't demean or belittle their experience or the happiness they feel about it." Dr. Enrico further explains.

Abusing Your Child: In Closing

Children are very impressionable and I hope this article has helped parents see some of the common abusive issues so that they can not only correct the damage but try to lead a healthy and happy family unit. Dr. Enrico has a few closing tips for parents:

"When you have a custody agreement or court orders stick to them. Don't use the child and their friends to break the order so you can have more time. When you ask your kids what they feel and think, really pay attention don't try to use or twist the conversation to benefit your side of the fight. Try to become friends or at the very least be civil to each other, let the child see you acting like adults and communicating with each other instead of yelling or abusing your relationships. If you see the situation becoming out of control or you are unable to be civil then mediation or counseling should be sought so everyone can be heard and a common ground can be met peacefully."