The Quick Step Kitchen Exercise Program: Don't Try This at Home

Recently, I noticed that I had gained about five pounds, give or take twenty pounds. I am not happy. I've always been careful about my weight and fitness. Okay, I've usually been careful about my weight and fitness. Okay, okay. Today, I'm being careful about my weight and fitness. Now get off my back. You aren't part of my fitness routine.

Until a few months ago, I belonged to a gym which I used fairly regularly in between my drinking and eating sessions. I am, however, currently at the tail end of a multi-city relocation (don't ask) and I haven't gotten around to joining a gym in my new home because I've been busy setting up a new business and because I am lazy. I haven't let the lack of gym membership keep me from engaging in regular physical activity, however, and neither should you. I have designed my own physical fitness routine designed around my day. Whatever you do, DON'T try these routines at home or anywhere else. These routines are designed for the elite of the cream of the puff daddies of the athletes among us.

My everyday activities revolve around eating and laying around with the occasional foray into the great out-of-doors, and my fitness routine is designed to take advantage of this. I can use this routine whether I'm cooking up a whole big honkin' pot full of spaghetti in my kitchen or trotting up the street for a whole big honkin' box full of Chinese cuisine.

MY BIG OL' HONKIN' KITCHEN WORKOUT

The beauty of this routine is that you can do it while cooking spaghetti, hamburgers, potatoes, or any number of stick-to-your-rib specialties. As all fitness professionals will advise you, it is crucial that you stretch properly to warm your muscles before engaging in any stressful activity, I, personally, stretch and warm up by opening kitchen cabinets and refrigerator doors, reaching within, and slowly pulling necessary food items from the recesses and placing them on the counter. There. Doesn't that get the blood flowing? Now it's time for the meat (Har!) of our workout.

Stand in the center of the kitchen. Lift your left leg up and touch your left knee to your right elbow. Perform the same movement using your right knee and left elbow. Repeat these two movements ten times, but be careful not to get your knees and elbows confused.

Now it's time to take a break and stretch and "cool down". We do this by placing appropriate food items in appropriate pots and pans, and applying heat, preferably using the stove or oven.

This is no time to rest, however, because it is vital that you keep your heart rate beating faster than it was when you first walked into the kitchen. If your heart was already beating fast when you walked into the kitchen, and you weren't exercising in the bedroom, then you should be reading another column, preferably one that is endorsed by various medical authorities and located in a medical facility with electric paddles.

Stand in the center of the kitchen. Stretch your right leg out and to the right while simultaneously at the same time pretending to punch somebody to your left with your right fist. Repeat this movement using your left leg and fist. Do the complete movement ten times.

Congratulations! You have mastered my patented (by somebody, probably) fitness program. Now, many fitness professionals would recommend that you add more exercises and that you do these exercises for at least thirty minutes or more (crazy talk) to get the full "aerobic" benefit and to stimulate your "metabolism".

Hogwash! It is far better to break up your "aerobics" into individual "units of metabolism". I have thoroughly researched 'Individual Units of Metabolism" in many books containing scientific and medical facts, and I have discovered that not one of these books specifically states that "Individual Units of Metabolism" has been disproven as scientific fact.

There you have it. So, flip the bacon over, scramble the eggs, and pop the bread in the toaster, then repeat your exercises. You can do this all day long, but you won't want to. As always, consult your physician before embarking on any fitness program, even one as wonderful as this one.

But, what if I don't like exercising in my kitchen? What if I prefer my exercise in the great outdoors, Mr. Pretend Fitness Person? Not a problem.

Every town has at least one. A dealer's corner. A drug bazaar. A sad commentary on contemporary American society. And what a wonderful opportunity for fresh air and exercise! No, no, no, not dealing drugs. For cryin' out loud......

Here's what you do. Casually saunter up to what appears to be the chief executive of the drug dispensing department and, after getting the approval of the local police force (tell them I sent you), snatch a handful of drugs and/or money from him. Punch him if you want a really good work-over........uh.......work out. Then run. Run fast. Run hard. Run long. Whatever happens, ohmyGod don't stop running. You will burn many calories using this fitness routine referred to by fitness professionals around the world as "lunges".

What?.....They don't.....Then, what.....?

Huh.

Apparently, "lunges" consist of placing one foot out in front of the body, then bending at the knees. Now there's a real barn burner for you. Might as well be walking, an activity not considered to be exercise and usually the object of ridicule by fitness professionals.

What?

Seriously?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Huh.

Well, there you have it. Walking is considered "exercise" by most fitness professionals. I, myself, apparently exercise throughout my day. I "walk" from my bed to the refrigerator, to my bed, to the bathroom, to the sofa, to the refrigerator, and back to my bed. I'm a regular fitness machine.

So, where the heck did those five pounds, give or take twenty, come from?