"The Real Housewives of Atlanta" Get Raunchy

For as many times as I wanted to throw up during this episode of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," I thought maybe I was pregnant. Between Phony Phaedra sucking on pickles and Kandi sticking sugar up her V-Jay Jay, I was looking for the nearest airsick bag.

The Atlanta Housewives got downright dirty tonight as most of the episode revolved around who's having sex, who's cheating and who's using dildos. Much of this came courtesy of Kandi's Webcast, "Kandi Coated Nights," a combo of "The View," Howard Stern and Dr. Ruth. Celibate Kandi figures if she's not having sex, she might as well spend her nights talking about it. Kim was the special guest and was grilled about beef curtains (I'll let you Google that one yourself) and infidelity. Kim doesn't think she's being unfaithful by carrying on with the married Big Poppa and is all kinds of uncomfortable with the topic.

NeNe, fresh off her Nip/Tuck, heads to the doctor's office for her follow-up visit. NeNe loves her new nose and the doc is pleased with the progress on the rest of the merchandise. Mostly, NeNe's concerned with whether or not she's cleared to drink wine and if a penis enlargement should be her next procedure. Well...Kim did refer to her as a drag queen once upon a time. Cynthia picks up NeNe, who's not too keen on heading home to the grouchy Gregg, so the ladies stop at Cynthia's house for some champagne. NeNe continues to be vague about the exact nature of her problems with Gregg and gun-shy Cynthia has her fears about marriage confirmed.

Sheree preps for Date No. 2 with the self-proclaimed "Love Doctor," by having eldest daughter, Tierra come by to babysit. The doctor starts to look a bit shady, as he told Sheree he had a house in Atlanta (according to Sheree, he doesn't) and his jacked up dating skills don't help matters. He invites Sheree over to his friend's house under the guise of cooking for her, but puts her to work chopping strawberries and making cookies. Sheree tries to be a good sport, but she's irritated. Her annoyance only grows when the doctor wants her to lick cookie dough off his fingers, which she bobs and weaves away from. Later on, he does manage to cajole a tiny little kiss from Sheree, but between the cookie-dough affair and his claims that money isn't important to him, you know he's a goner, flat abs be damned.

Phony Phaedra wins the prize for biggest gross-out moment. Even grosser than that boughetto baby shower. She decides to do an "artistic and classy" photo shoot to document her pregnancy. Since when did artistic and classy translate to tonguing a jar of pickles? Besides wanting to vomit all over myself, my other thought as I watched Phony Phaedra and her husband feed each other pickles was Apollo taking showers in prison.

Besides her sex life, paternal matters troubled Kandi this week as she has a heart-to-heart talk with her seven year-old daughter, Riley. Riley's dad has been a no-show for most of the little girl's life, though according to Kandi, he's now trying to rectify that. Riley declares she doesn't want a father, but would be ok with Kandi popping out a little brother or sister for her - she just doesn't need a husband to do it. Riley also misses Kandi's late fiancé, A.J. and later, Kandi laments to her mom about Riley's blasé attitude towards having a father. Joyce urges her daughter to be strong for her daughter and says they'll both have to be there for Riley.

NeNe and Cynthia go bra shopping, which apparently is a new experience for NeNe, who doesn't like to wear bras. After all, she paid for them to "stand up high with her nipples to the sky." I mean, when the headlights already point north, why waste money on a bra? NeNe does find a "hooker" bra she likes and while she and Cynthia are comparing bookshelves, Cynthia tells NeNe she wants to have a Mother's Day brunch at her house. NeNe's none too enthused to learn she'll be spending part of her Mother's Day with Phony Phaedra and her husband.

Mother's Day arrives and Cynthia asks fiancé, Peter to keep NeNe's marital troubles on the QT, which was basically like giving him permission to go tell it on the mountain. All the ladies arrive, minus Kim, who's home with a sick kid and NeNe's nose is the hot topic. Phony Phaedra also kept the ladies buzzing when she couldn't seem to decide - or didn't know - when her due date was and that her baby would come out early. The ladies are thoroughly confused by Phony Phaedra's faulty logic and bad math and NeNe concludes Phony Phaedra must have another baby Daddy or she's not the Holy Roller she purports to be and got pregnant before she got married. Right on cue, Apollo shows up with a Mother's Day gift for Phony Phaedra, the Gucci diaper bag she wanted. Sheree called it - tacky.

Sex dominates the rest of the brunch as Kandi doles out advice about what to feed your V-Jay Jay (a little sugar helps the medicine go down, evidently) or if you're Phony Phaedra, confectioner's sugar will do quite nicely. Kandi wants to buy her mom a dildo and NeNe's not's sticking any candy store up her V-Jay Jay. NeNe says she likes to keep it low-key in the boudoir and Peter jumps in and says if she put sex at the top of the list, maybe she wouldn't be having problems with Gregg. NeNe tells Peter to mind his own business and continues to despair over her marriage. The normally strong NeNe breaks down as Kandi's mom offers a shoulder.

Next week, Kandi loses it, Kim doesn't hit her notes and NeNe's one step closer to divorce court.