"The Real Housewives of D.C." In Need of Some Home Training

"The Real Housewives of D.C." have wasted no time in getting on each other's nerves. Well, mostly it seems as though Cat and Michaele are the needlers in this group, as just about everything either one of them says or does makes everyone hiss or roll their eyes. I wonder what the D.C. version of the table flip is, 'cause you know there's gonna be a throwdown or two before this season is over.

Episode Two of the "The Real Housewives of D.C." revolves around yet more birthdays (last week was Mary's soiree). First up to bat is Michaele, who whispers in her little girl voice that she's turning 44, even though people think she's in her 30's. Her husband, Tareq, who seems to be even more of a spotlight hog than Sleazy Slade over on "The Real Housewives of Orange County," has a few surprises up his sleeve. He arranges for her to pick out one expensive gift from a myriad of choices, though in the end it looks more like she took everything. Tareq saves the best for last when he gives Michaele a pony, whom she dubs, Sparkle, which is fitting, you see, because according to Tareq, his wife reminds him of a big bottle of champagne. The two sparkles. Jeez.

In domestic matters, Lynda is house-hunting for a bigger abode for entertaining family and friends, while Mary must contend with the poopy, shedding dog her grown daughter, Lolly, has lugged back home with her. Mary dictates chore orders to housekeeper, Rosa, in Spanish, especially to keep the hair balls off the floor. Rosa reminds me of Countess LuAnn's perpetually put-upon former housekeeper, Rosie, who would smile, nod and roll her eyes. Although, Rosa does get to call Mary by her first name. Later, Mary meets up with Cat for lunch, where coincidentally, Lolly is a server. Cat relays she got pinky-sworn into going riding with Michaele and asks Mary to tag along. Cat takes the opportunity to grill Mary about letting her daughter move home and says she can't wait for her two daughters to leave the nest. When Mary is unresponsive to her commentary, she goes to work on poor Lolly, who happens to be waiting on them. Cat is further appalled when Mary leaves a generous tip and Mary warns her that sometimes, kids do come home.

Michaele meets with Lynda's gay husband, Paul, to recount the birthday gifts she got from her hubby and to talk about the birthday party she's planning for him. She claims it'll be the best birthday ever and later when she gets together with some of Paul's people to look at the venue, she said it has to be over-the-top fabulous. One of Paul's people takes a moment to gush about the 30^th birthday party Lynda threw for Paul a few years back and how "classy" and "top-notch" it was. Michaele takes a swipe at it, claiming Paul was "hurt" he was only being able to invite 25 people since that's all Lynda could accommodate.

Cat and Mary head out to Michaele's estate for some horseback riding and Mary reveals Mrs. Sparkle used to do her make-up at the mall back in the day. What starts out as a casual afternoon of riding, becomes big to-do, as Michaele and Tareq are decked out in jodhpurs and are sitting in director's chairs atop a red carpet. Cat and Mary immediately feel out of place in their jeans and Tareq informs them he's going to give them a polo lesson. As Michaele writhes around on the horse and pretends to hit the balls, Mary thinks she looks ridiculous. Indeed. After the lesson, Tareq the vineyard owner brings out glasses of chardonnay with a head. Cat is peeved that he punked them by saying he was serving wine and pulled a switcheroo with beer. Kinda tacky to own a vineyard and serve your guests beer. Michaele claims bringing wine down to the barn would have been too much trouble.

Stacie decides to invite the other Housewives to a "down home, Black family, Sunday-style dinner." Only her Aunt Frances is going to cook. Cat shows up early and is ill at ease from the get-go. She's not fond of the wine, but instead of taking it to the ladies room and dumping it out (Lynda's suggestion) or leaving it on some unattended table or counter and walking away (my own personal trick), Cat makes a point of saying how unappealing it looks. The other ladies (including Paul. And, yes, he is a lady. And if you didn't figure out he's the requisite sixth Housewife, shame on you) fit right in and everyone drools all over Lynda's boyfriend, Ebong. Stacie's husband, Jason, creeps the other men out with descriptions of his invention, a "penile volumetric measuring device." Mary's husband, Rich, sitting between the size 13 or 14 shoe-wearing Jason and the 6'5″Ebong, wants to know if he should take his small hands and leave the room. I wish I could have left the room. During dinner, Cat continues to be uncomfortable and she shoots out before dessert and without cleaning her plate. Stacie is fit to be tied and wants to know what kind of home training Cat has. Paul claims he's a fat of Cat's, but thinks she doesn't know how to connect with people.

Paul's party arrives and as he gets prettied up, he's nervously calling Michaele, who was supposed to meet him at the hotel to get ready. She's MIA and he comments that when Lynda threw his party, she was with him all day. Michaele doesn't show up until party time, but makes an entrance at that. She and her husband roll up in a while stretch limo and a police escort. Lynda's miffed that the so-called hosts weren't there to greet their guests and termed their arrival ostentatious. Stacie arrives and ignores Cat, who picks up on the tension, while Mary makes note of Tareq and Michaele's stealing Paul's moment. Later, Michaele confronts Lynda about the eating disorder comments she made to Paul. At first, it looks like Lynda is going to throw Paul under the bus, but she ultimately owns up to being "concerned" about Michaele's weight. Tareq steps in and says his wife has the body of a supermodel and Michaele says Lynda should talk to her directly. Lynda's back is up and she huffs out, pissed that Mrs. Sparkle tried to embarrass her. Paul shrewdly notes in his confessional that if Lynda has it out for you, you better watch your back. Meow!

Next week, Cat defends herself, Michaele wants to be patriotic and Stacie's off to Paris.