"The Real Housewives of New Jersey": Greetings from 'Dirty Jerzey'

The Bravo television channel certainly does come up with some interesting reality shows, including 'Project Runway' (now moving to Lifetime), 'Top Chef', a hair stylists' competition, 'Make Me A Supermodel' (gag me), and, of course, the somewhat infamous 'Real Housewives' series. So far, Bravo has managed to cull the worst of the worst in New York City, Atlanta and Orange County, California. I guess it was only a question of time before they gave us the 'real housewives' of New Jersey, and I'm also guessing that they didn't have to cull too deeply to find the worst of the worst here in the Garden State.

I've lived here (unwillingly and unhappily) for nearly twenty years. During that time, far too many of my best friends have left the state for greener pastures, which translates into anywhere other than New Jersey. We are taxed to death by that former hedge fund-impassioned, Wall Street transplant, aggressively dating governor Jon Corzine, with the highest property taxes in the country and a sales tax that increased from six to seven percent last year. My own property taxes are close to $19,000 annually. Any questions before I proceed as to why we have our house for sale?

Oh, but back to Bravo's new show. The Atlanta housewives were, surprisingly, a rather tame, bland and uninteresting bunch. (I think that may be because Eric Snow's wife was included among the group, and she brought a rather stately charm to the series.) The housewives of Orange County were...pretty much all over orange-toned, every last one of them, and incredibly blond. New York City's group are mean-spirited, crazy, maybe wealthy, maybe not, but certainly entertaining. A large part of this was due, I think, to the fact that the show was based in Manhattan, which offers abundant riches of experiences for those ladies, New York Fashion Week and glitzy, well-known clubs and restaurants included.

So now we come to the ladies - and I use the term very loosely - who reside in New Jersey. Oh, dear. They are apparently all related to one degree or another, either sisters or sisters in law, or divorced from family members. They reside in a town where, as one of the characters (I like that. They are characters.) said "Houses start at about $1,500,000 or more", in northern New Jersey. The husbands appear to be Italian, rotund, loud and entrepreneurs. (Translation: in the construction business). There is one blond within the group. The rest are blessed with big, big dark hair and even bigger bosoms. One or two are the obvious recipients of bleach jobs; all of the bosoms, they joyously announce, are fake. The oldest of the group seems to think that she has a matriarchal role in the series; a future episode promises up a glimpse of her heavy-set, tinted red-haired self literally leaning into the face of another woman and telling her "Our family is thicker than water" in a menacing tone.

If I knew any of these women personally, or, God forbid, were married to any of the brothers, I'd run like hell.

Actually, the sad part is that I do know women like this. Quite a few of them.

Their heritage is Italian. Their husbands are seemingly wealthy 'entrepreneurs' or, in some cases, have inherited the family business (cold cuts, insurance, specialty chemicals, construction, waste management). A number of the husbands are sadly overweight, both physically and weighed down by an amazing amount of bling, something that I'd never seen before moving here. How many men wear two rings? How many wear at least one heavy gold chain? Or watches the size of small saucers?

These women are loud, pushy, aggressive and make no excuses for their behavior. They will do anything - and I do mean anything - to make their children's life not only happy but successful. Like one of Bravo's characters, one woman I know has had her four children tutored in just about every aspect of life: voice, dance, piano, violin, lacrosse, tennis, speed training, basketball, field hockey, weight control, skin care, SAT's, and pretty much every school subject from the seventh grade on. Two of her children have had private coaches for lacrosse, basketball and field hockey. She one day told me that if anyone did anything to harm her son, she would kill them. She was deadly serious.

Apparently she was too busy traveling between her New Jersey home and the family homes in Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia, the Cayman Islands, Naples, Florida, the Poconos and Manhattan to audition for the show.

And this is just one of my 'friends'. Lots more where that came from.

I am not looking forward to future episodes. The trailer from the first showed what appears to be a terrible, terrible row at a restaurant, where wine is thrown, much yelling ensues, and at least one table is overturned. Who acts like that? Apparently, we Jersey girls do.

Why do we allow the reputation of the Garden State as 'Dirty Jerzey', as the kids call it, to continue to be sullied? Were there no normal women available?

I was once friendly with a woman (who has since moved to New England) who unexpectedly became pregnant and gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. Her Southern mother flew up from New Orleans to help. One of her first questions was "Do you have to put New Jersey on the baby's birth certificate??"

Anybody out there want to buy a house? Anybody? Anybody?