"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" Put Lipstick on a Pig

Unless you've been under a rock, it's been pretty hard to miss the wind-up to tonight's season premiere of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Bravo has been promoting the hell out of the show but tonight's episode basically went a whole lot of nowhere. The train wreck has yet to leave the station.

Most of the episode was catch-up from last season. Jacqueline, who struggled with multiple miscarriages last season, shared her home video footage of her son, Nicholas being born. Jacqueline's clearly over-the-moon happy with her baby, except she's got other problems, namely her daughter, Ashley and on- and off- friend, Desperate Danielle (and the two will collide later this season). Ashley has moved out and is dating a guy four years older. Jacqueline is concerned about Ashley's birth control status and step-dad Chris is sharpening his knives in case he's gotta take the guy out back and skin him alive. Later, Chris expresses to Jacqueline his extreme discomfort with Desperate Danielle. He doesn't know her, doesn't want to know her, she brings too much drama and that she's no longer welcome in his house. Jacqueline is uncomfortable with what she sees as Chris' ultimatum and declares she's not going to shut Desperate Danielle out. Wonder how long that will last.

Speaking of Desperate Danielle, she was in rare form tonight. She visits with a priest to get him to tell her how to pray for the rest of the Housewives. She unloads all her drama on this man (good thing that's his job) and he tells her to get over it. From the look on her face, this answer isn't acceptable to Desperate Danielle, who I suspect really wanted him to give her permission to rain fire and brimstone down on the other Housewives. Meanwhile, Desperate Danielle has latched on to Kim D., the owner of a local boutique, who she's pegged as her new BFF. More on that lady in a minute, but Desperate Danielle does share with Kim D. how "desperate" she is to be friends with Jacqueline.

Jacqueline's sister-in-law and former enemy of Desperate Danielle, Dina, didn't do much tonight except trot out her creepy cats and light candles. Dina's flying even more solo this season than last, as her daughter, Lexie was conspicuously absent from the opening credits (Dina's husband, Tommy was MIA last season.) According to Teresa, after last year's run-in with Desperate Danielle over "the book," Dina's mailbox was vandalized and she's received hate mail (Desperate Danielle did declare she'd come knocking and she wouldn't come alone. Certainly gave me the heebie jeebies.) Dina claimed she extended an olive branch to Desperate Danielle and that the two are friendly. Don't expect that one to last long, either.

Teresa's storyline tonight was all about family, as she made tomato sauce for the year with her parents, in-laws and daughters (a sauce that apparently can't be made when you're on your period). Later, she got her daughters ready for the first day of school and in the funniest scene, her youngest daughter raided the pantry for her lunch, flinging boxes and bags of food left and right in search of the perfect snacks to stuff into her lunchbox. She also protested Teresa's insistence on taking pictures every 30 seconds. Teresa is also about two weeks away from giving birth and she and her husband, Joe decide to be surprised about the baby's sex. Apparently, whether it's a boy or girl, the kid gets the same wardrobe.

Caroline, the "Mama Jeana" of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," takes her newly svelte husband, Albert into the city for a private shopping session at Barney's. Caroline gushes over her hubby and it's cute to see how happy they are. Later, they prepare to throw their annual fundraiser for the local sheriff and everyone's invited but Desperate Danielle. Desperate Danielle finds out from the lady who does her pedicure (at the same salon where Dina used to stock the shelves and do nails), so she decides she needs to do a drive-by past Caroline's house. Desperate Danielle's daughters appear calm, but you could tell they were horrified by their mother's behavior. Desperate Danielle keeps insisting she doesn't care that she's not invited, yet plows ahead on her mission. Her daughters tell her they couldn't support her and to not waste her energy. Fortunately, Desperate Danielle heeds their advice and points her car towards home. At the party, Desperate Danielle's supposed BFF, Kim D. and her boyfriend show up and badmouth the hapless Housewife. Caroline claims Desperate Danielle will never change and that "you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig." Kim D. claims she's not really friends with Desperate Danielle, but is only chummy with her for business purposes - except Desperate Danielle owes $400 on her running tab. Sounds bad for business.

This season, everyone warns Jacqueline about Desperate Danielle, Teresa gives birth and the Housewives travel to Italy.