"The Real Housewives of New Jersey": Rise of the Mean Girls

Stunning. Absolutely stunning. And I'm not talking about the clothes from the Posche fashion show. No, I'm referring to the train wreck disguised as tonight's episode of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd almost rather watch Cuckoo Kelly flit around Scary Island than ever have to watch this episode again in life. Although, knowing Bravo, a Director's Cut of this debacle is imminent.

We pick up with Teresa's ambush of Desperate Danielle outside the coatroom at the Posche fashion show. Teresa claims she just wants to say hi, since she's a sweet person, but we all know better. She wants to start some stuff. Jacqueline tries in vain to deter Teresa from her mission, but like a bat outta hell, Teresa bares her fangs as she zooms towards Desperate Danielle. The insults are flying fast and furious between Teresa and Desperate Danielle, as Teresa starts rolling her head like she's back in the 'hood (she reminds Desperate Danielle that she is from Patterson after all. Is that like being from the Bronx?) Once Desperate Danielle asked Teresa if she was from the ghetto, it was on. Teresa screams that she lives in a five million dollar house and Desperate Danielle counters that it's in foreclosure. Uh oh.

From there, it was all a blur. Teresa is in Desperate Danielle's face, the ever-present Kim G. grabs hold of Teresa and plunks her down in her chair. Desperate Danielle shrieks at Teresa to get away from her and runs for dear life, bodyguard in tow, stiletto's crumbling along the way. Teresa gives chase, a bystander implores her to be classy (yea, that horse is out of the barn) and Desperate Danielle cowers in the bushes. Kim G. pulls a Cher and tells Desperate Danielle to snap out of it, as she yells for her driver to bring her car around. Desperate Danielle is hyperventilating and to add fuel to the fire, Ashley, erroneously believing Desperate Danielle clocked her mama, comes out of nowhere and yanks a clump of hair weave out of Desperate Danielle's head. Uh oh.

Kim G. loads Desperate Danielle into her Bentley, but the instigator that set this whole mess in motion isn't done. Teresa stalks over to the car, still intent on talking to Desperate Danielle, for what, I don't know. Doesn't she have four kids to get home to? The site of Teresa sends Desperate Danielle into further hysterics, who is convinced Teresa has come to finish her off. Kim G.'s driver warns Teresa "don't mess with the Bentley," and Teresa continues her "who me?" act. Ashley appears yet again and Jacqueline sends her and Teresa away, but keeps an eerie watch over the Bentley. The ever-immature Ashley is irritated because of what she sees as her mother choosing Desperate Danielle over her. Oh, Ashley. Poor, immature Ashley. Desperate Danielle can take it no more and gets on the horn to the police, who send about eight cars. Really? Must have been a slow crime night in New Jersey. Meanwhile, Ashley gleefully recounts the hair-pulling incident to a laughing Teresa and delighted Kim D.

The next day, while Desperate Danielle fills in demoted-bodyguard, Danny, on the happenings,

Teresa and Jacqueline tell a horrified Caroline what happened. She, like the rest of America, I'm sure, was speechless. Teresa still seemed to think the whole thing was funny, while Jacqueline was appropriately horrified. Later, when Teresa recounted the night for Joe, she admitted she wanted to get in Desperate Danielle's face. Caroline hit the nail on the head when she declared Desperate Danielle "got what she wanted" from the "mean girls." Now...you know if Caroline had been there, well, I guess we wouldn't be talking about any of this, would we?

Desperate Danielle's energist gives her a jingle, "sensing" bad energy around her client. Oh dear. The energist wants to talk to Jacqueline and Desperate Danielle gives up her digits. While the energist yammers to Jacqueline about unblocking her energy, she plays games on her phone. Hey, if a round of Ninja Kiwi doesn't get good energy flowing, nothing will.

Kim G. and Desperate Danielle meet to nosh on cheese fries and bald spots. As in the one in the back of Desperate Danielle's head courtesy of Ashley. Kim G. suggests Ashley has anger management issues and Desperate Danielle decides to press charges against Ashley, feeling she would be doing the girl a favor. Later, when Jacqueline tries to talk to Ashley about the severity of what she's done, her daughter remains unrepentant. She reasons she had every right to go after Desperate Danielle and is proud of what she did. Chris comes in like the hammer and asks Ashley what she's going to do when she needs to hire an attorney to defend herself against the likely charges Desperate Danielle will file. Ashley falters, clearly not having considered this possible turn of events. Ashley continues to mouth off before Chris finally lays down the law and bans her from having any contact with Desperate Danielle. Period. Otherwise, he's kicking her ass out.

In non-Desperate Danielle related news, Caroline's son, Albie, consults with a lawyer to discuss his options concerning his dismissal from law school. She tells him the school dropped the ball with him and he's got a case. Sometimes, it's hard to forget there are people on this show who aren't in Desperate Danielle's orbit. Is it too early to start pining for Season Four of "The Real Housewives of New York City?"

Next week, Desperate Danielle enters the ring, Kim G's mouth is on the move again and Ashley faces charges.