'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' Set it Off

Wow. Wow. Truth be told, I'm still in shock over what I saw in the season premiere of the new season of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." As much as I hate to agree with the dearly departed Desperate Danielle Staub, her assessment of certain Housewives as "animals" hit the nail on the head. O.M.G.

Speaking of Desperate Danielle, she has bid "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" adieu and in her place are two new troublemakers ready, willing and able to stir the simmering pot of drama among the Garden State Gals: Melissa Gorga, Teresa Giudice's hated sister-in-law and Kathy Wakile, Teresa's despised cousin. See a theme here?

We began tonight with a lovely little scene of Teresa congratulating her brother (coincidentally, also named Joe) and Melissa on the christening of their new baby. Joe tells Teresa to keep walking and someone else at the table pipes up that Teresa's invite to the affair was a mere technicality. Joe starts pounding on the table (what is it with this family and tables?) before we're whisked back in time to a week earlier when preparations were underway for the blessed event.

Teresa catches us up that it was a bittersweet year (no kidding), but, now, mama's the one "bringing home the bacon" (there may not be enough Oscar Mayer in the world) by cranking out "Skinny Italian" books and starring in cheesy tanning salon commercials. Joe's out of construction and into pizza and people are packing the joint. Likely to get an up close glimpse of what people $11 million in debt look like. And maybe a slice of pepperoni while they're at it. For all of Teresa's success, the lack of support from her brother and Melissa weighs on her and we have hint one about the brewing drama between the trio.

Caroline Manzo's got her own family stuff to deal with, mostly because her sons have cut the cord and moved into their own apartment. No law school for Albie, no word on Christopher's plan other than he's leaving the Brownstone. Lauren's last in the nest, Albert's still half his size and Caroline's still tiny. And crying all the time because her children are leaving her.

Jacqueline Laurita would probably be grateful if her spoiled daughter, Ashley, would get on with it. Ashley's landed an internship with infamous PR gal, Lizzie Grubman (you remember '" the one who plowed her SUV into a crowd of people in the Hamptons right after she called them all white trash? Yea, that one). She calls Ashley out in front of her mom for being late if she shows up at all. Lizzie just doesn't understand it's so hard to have to get up early and commute from New Jersey. Never mind that thousands of people do it every day. Ashley's decided New Jersey's for the birds and tells Jacqueline she wants her help to move into the city. A stunned Jacqueline wants to know how she's going to swing that. Ashley dissolves into tears in front of everyone, leaving Lizzie to tell claim she's a carbon copy of her without the violence. Um -- you do know she was found guilty of simple assault against Desperate Danielle, right?

Later, over lunch, Ashley tries to plead her case with stepdad Chris, who offers to pay for her commute and suggests she get a job and save for an apartment. Ashley isn't feeling that '" she wants to hear the cash register ring so she can live out her "Sex and the City" fantasies. Jacqueline wants to know Ashley's strategy for moving into the city that doesn't involve having her hand out. Chris is trying to get through to Ashley in his own way and Ashley is of course acting snotty. A frustrated and hurt Jacqueline flees the restaurant and Chris tells Ashley she needs to start showing her mom some respect. Ha! No time soon, Chris. No time soon.

We get to meet Melissa and the way she and her husband slobber all over each other, I'm starting think we might get another "Real Housewives" sex tape courtesy of Bravo. The sister-in-law rivalry is rampant between "cold bitch" Melissa and Teresa; Teresa never told Melissa her 15,000 square foot house was beautiful, family's not important to Teresa, Caroline and Jacqueline mean more to her, Teresa's husband has come between Melissa's husband and his father. Happy to join the bashing is cousin Kathy, who thinks Teresa puts up a fa§ade and is surprised she leaves the house. Seems like Kathy should worry more about her young son's knife collection.

It's christening day and the Giudice household is in disarray. Joe's got the runs, Teresa's stomach is rumbling, hairdresser Evelyn is too busy fluffing Melissa's hair to do Teresa's. Teresa's late, Joe shows up to the reception and not the church and it's on. Brother Joe has nothing to say to his sister and is insulted when Hubby Joe won't do a shot with him. The Gorgas ire is further rankled when Teresa and Joe share a dance with their baby nephew and brother Joe gives Melissa permission to rip Teresa a new one if she so desires. And then Teresa comes by to say congratulations.

And all hell breaks loose.

Brother Joe tells Teresa to keep on walking then calls her garbage (the official insult of New Jersey, apparently). Poor little Gia pulls her mother away before she flips another table. Too bad she couldn't have gotten to her daddy, who's incensed. He lunges for his brother-in-law and the whole place erupts. Punches are thrown, people are knocked down and the Bravo cameraman mutters to himself there isn't enough money in the world to keep dealing with this B.S. The root of the hatred between the two is because Hubby Joe owes Brother Joe money and Hubby Joe has usurped Brother Joe's place in his father's life. The Giudice family leaves, Brother Joe's father tells him to stop thinking about himself and the manager of the facility starts tallying up the damage.

How long do you think before Caroline gets invited to cook with Paula Deen, the only acceptable southern chef to the Manzo matriarch? And who felt for Lauren's boyfriend, Vito, as Caroline hammered him about his intentions?

This season on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," Melissa sings, Caroline says fix it and Jacqueline wants some respect.