"The Real Housewives of New York City" Reunion Part Three

As I watched the final installment of "The Real Housewives of New York City" reunion special, I decided my blood type is Riesling. Now, if only I knew someone who could fill up an IV with some and attach it to my vein. It would certainly be quicker than swigging from the bottle, as I did during this episode.

The Housewives weren't done with Cuckoo Kelly, as we examined what went wrong with her during the bachelorette getaway to St. John. Cuckoo Kelly can't stand the heat and walked off the set and even Countess LuAnn had to stifle a laugh at "Humpty Dumpty's" departure (that's a one-liner, Jill. Take note.) Cuckoo Kelly returned and Sonja demands answers about her behavior. Sonja claims the other Housewives wanted to be silly and have fun and all Cuckoo Kelly wanted to do was squash all the good times. Andy Cohen tries to get Cuckoo Kelly to admit she had "a bit of a break," but she still refuses to cop to anything other than a "breakthrough." Cuckoo Kelly does give Sonja an apology for how she acted with her, but she maintains her stance that the other three Housewives are "bullies."

Andy Cohen moves on to Scary Island part two, which would be Jill's ill-advised "surprise" for the ladies. Bethenny looks horrified at the replay, Sonja said it was inappropriate to show up without calling and Jill rolls her eyes at Alex's reaction. Jill claims she went with the best of intentions and maintains she wanted to use her surprise trip to St. John to make up with Bethenny (which nobody, not even Bethenny, was buying.) Jill turns all her rage onto Alex, who she holds responsible for Ramona kicking her out. Hurricane Ramona comes roaring at Jill and tells her had she had any type of humility, things might have been different. A teary Jill looks like she's ready to walk off the set again, as she tells Andy Cohen she's tired of talking about it.

Given how much emphasis has been put on the Jill and Bethenny saga and the Scary Island interlude, you could almost forget about Countess LuAnn. Except for her warbling about class and money, that is. After Countess LuAnn's compilation clips roll, Andy Cohen presses her about her marriage, singing career, old boyfriend, new boyfriend and all those supposed boyfriends in between. Countess LuAnn admits the last few years of her marriage were a sham and that she was trying to save face for the cameras and her kids. While she doesn't own up to "giving her number out all over town," during her marriage, as both Bethenny and Ramona accused her of on several, separate occasions, she does leave the door open enough to make you think that's exactly what was up. Andy nails Countess LuAnn for her comment about her ex's disdain about her possibly dating a Jew. Countess LuAnn is far from classy in her answer, much to Andy Cohen's bewilderment and I think, disgust.

In perhaps the most confusing part of the show, we were "treated" to a compilation of Cuckoo Kelly's greatest hits. The woman is exhausting to watch, because trying to untangle what the hell she's talking about on a moment-to-moment basis is an exercise in torture. She doesn't seem to care that her baseline is about being contradictory. Andy Cohen tries to get to the bottom of her assertion that PETA is ok with wearing fur and eating meat because neither practice is abuse of animals. She starts rambling about posing for Playboy and PETA and how she's evolving and she supports PETA but she'll wear fur and maybe one day she'll support PETA. Yea, I don't understand what I just wrote either. Unbelievably, after that jumbled train of thought, Cuckoo Kelly says "when I'm able to speak, it's perfect." Countess LuAnn points out that when Cuckoo Kelly constantly contradicts herself, she's not trustworthy. And yet, still, as Sonja says, she just doesn't get it. Andy Cohen wants to read some of Cuckoo Kelly's tweets, which Jill begs him not to because they're basically a step above gibberish. By the end of this long, strange trip, Cuckoo Kelly says she's intimidated by the other Housewives and calls them unpredictable, which leads to danger. Cuckoo Kelly doesn't seem to get she's the most unpredictable one of all.

As I grasp my now-empty bottle of Riesling, Andy Cohen round-robins all the women to ask if they'll be back for another season. Bethenny hedges, Ramona's in and Jill says she doesn't think she can film with Alex, due to her belief that Mrs. Van Kempen "hates" her, which Alex denies. The whole episode ends on a sad note, when an emotional Jill asks Bethenny if she can give her a hug and cries about how much she misses the Skinnygirl and wants to see her baby. Bethenny's not ready to let Jill back in and we fade out.

Next week, it's not quite over, as Bravo trots out lost footage.