The Real Moviegoer Experience

I remember sitting in a dark theater and before a great, silver screen. I would have a small coke in one hand and a bag of popcorn held in my lap. My eyes would grow wide at the breathtaking imagination of The Never Ending Story, or fear would chase me with the hell hounds of Ghost Busters. Sure, I took a chance on the Super Mario Brothers, Double Dragon, and Masters of the Universe, but as a kid, going to the movies was like a vacation, keeping the real world at bay. Despite the expense today, I still return in hopes of seeing a great movie, but the real world refuses to fade gently into black.

5. Hush Little Baby

If you're going to see a children's movie, then don't be surprised to find an audience filled with little kids and maybe even screaming babies. If you're going to see a Horror movie or a Crime movie with violent scenes, it's supposed to be a totally different story and audience. Yet, somewhere in the back as a woman is hacked to pieces, a baby starts to cry. Seriously? If that kid understands what's taking place, then congratulations. You just traumatized your kid. If a movie is rated R, then that is a big, red flag that kids under a certain age should not be in the theater, and with the audio cranked up like thunder, there is no drowning out the screams of mayhem and murder. So, please, leave your babies at home, and let the rest of us scream instead.

4. Adrenaline Rush

Movies like Crank, Wanted, Resident Evil, Fast and Furious, and Ultraviolet throw us into overdrive, over the edge of our seats, and rev up our hearts that now beat fast and furious, and as bullets fly and cars speed, we want part of the action. Instead, we calm our nerves as best as we can and watch the story unfold with gripping, conflicted characters. It's just hard to concentrate when a seat kicker starts pounding away at the back of your seat, or worse, someone that has to talk through every scene. It's the city's finest itching for a fight, and their dialogue is sharp and non-stop. And I didn't pay ten bucks to hear their chatter over film, so, of course, I comment back. And as the action unfolds, so does the drama in the theater. And the girl is calling for a fight and now standing at the end of my row, waiting for me, but I remain sitting. Seriously? Like I said, I didn't pay ten bucks to fight with her, and at least, her boyfriend had the decency to finally calm her down. And after her brief intermission, the movie resumed, non-stop action, heart-pounding adrenaline, and cliffhangers to keep you wanting more, and when all fades to black, the violent tendencies were gone.

3. Gasolicious

Anticipation is always on the rise for blockbuster movies like Inception, X-Men, Iron Man, and The Lincoln Lawyer. You know that you are in for a treat, and you eagerly grab a seat closest to the screen. You're all set with popcorn and soda, and the broken seat next to you is now nothing more than an afterthought. Yet, that didn't stop a man from trying to sit there as the lights dim and the screen ignites. It's time for The Dark Knight, but as the story unfolds, an aroma fills the air. First, it was as sweet as buttered popcorn, but then it was chased with a more bitter, harsh scent. As the Joker laid siege to Gotham City, so was the audience. They always said the silent ones were deadly, and they weren't kidding. And for half of the movie, it was nothing but gasolicious, and I was seriously needing a breath of fresh air. But as small clouds began to dissipate, I forgot my suffering and melted gently back into movie, mesmerized by the Killing Joke's Joker brought to life through the talented and unforgettable Heath Ledger.

2. Hannah and the "heh" Man

The price of movies are expensive today, and we do take a gamble on seeing what we have chosen. What's worse is if the movie is all hyped up, we enter the theater in anticipation, but we leave in disappointment. With great actors, you would think that you would win big and see an unforgettable movie, but that can't save movies like The Hunted, Taking Lives, Skyline, or Hannah. What makes it much worse are those in the theater that have to add their own commentary to what you are watching. So much for those commercials of people with cell phones being chased by zombies or abducted by aliens, which is a clever way to say, "Please, shut up," but some people can't take a hint. Instead, as I sit back in my seat, awaiting a seat kicker, who always seems to find me, I get instead, "Heh. Heh." My brother loses it, shaking with laughter, and now I can't control myself, laughing hysterically. After a brief pause of silence, the man coughs loudly without covering his mouth and then whispers loudly, "Oh no. Watch out." Unfortunately, through most of this movie, it was either Deep Throat commentary or more, "Heh. Heh." At least, that provided the entertainment that was missing, and as the story drags out, it misses my heart, leaving me disappointed.

1. Technical Difficulties

Sometimes, when I go into a movie theater, everything is perfect. The audience is not too crowded, and those present seem calm and quiet. The aroma of popcorn tickles my nose, and my lips draw heavily on the straw, pulling the soda into my mouth. The seat is taken, and there is no one to kick me. The lights fade, and the movie is ready to begin. But now I'm seeing double. Focus! I don't think when Hulk Hogan ripped his shirt in Gremlins 2, he meant to actually disrupt the film, but like with The A-Team, the theater was experiencing technical difficulties. I remember watching The Perfect Storm, and the sound cut out just as the huge wave came to consume our heroes. A voice from the back rang out, "Don't worry. I love you. I'll never forget you," and the audience went hysterical. As her voice continued to fill the void of silence, what should have been a traumatic ending became comical, and people left the theater with tears of laughter in their eyes.