The Real Punxsutawney Phil - True Confessions

Here we go again. Has it been a year already? I can't believe its February 2nd . I've put on a lot of weight. I'll never squeeze into that ceremonial cage. I never expected to settle down and raise a family in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania. But after the wife and I found out we were expecting she wanted to move out of the city park and to the country. "It's a much better place to raise kids" she whined. So here I am stuck in freaking Punxsutawney with a part-time job, four kids and a wife. My kids think I'm a celebrity. They've taken my photos to school for show and tell. My wife says I should ask for a raise so we can move and get a nicer house in a better neighborhood. Fat chance!

Nobody even knows where Punxsutawney is let alone Gobbler's Knob. I don't have the heart to tell them I'm only an understudy for Budd in the Ground Hog Day festivities. He and the dudes with the top hats and fancy duds are the real actors.

I was insulted when they made the movie Ground Hog Day. It was suppose to be me who starred in the film. Instead they hired Budd a popular Hollywood ground hog. They asked if I wanted to be his stunt double. A double! How embarrassing is that! I'm sure Budd got the job because he'd worked with Bill Murray in the film Caddyshack. Budd's credentials made me look like a mangy amateur . I never wanted to be a star anyway . . . well, at one time I did. Who wouldn't want to walk the red carpet with babes like Babe the pig. But no, I decided to go to college and majored in Engineering! I guess acting for me is more like a hobby than an actual career path. They said I could be an on-set creative consultant. It only pays scale but a ground hogs got to eat. I've got four furry mouths to feed.

Man, I really hate Ground Hog Day. Wading through drunken crowds; smiling for out-of-town visitors waiting to have their picture taken with the famous prognosticator. Little do they know it's usually me and not Budd. He leaves after they give the weather verdict. I have the humiliating honor of hanging out with the out of town loonies. "Hey Marge come 'ere, it's him, the goofy gopher! Yeah, it's the one from Caddyshack!" Morons! I guess to them all ground hogs look alike! The good thing is the clicks of thousands of cameras and cell phones drown out the wrenching of drunken locals. What kind of loser stay up all night to be photographed with a ground hog? If they only knew what I was really thinking they would never invite me back . . . simple, two-legged sons of bitches! Well look'ee there-the Fox News has arrived. I figured they'd be here, tabloid mongers!

Well, it's almost time to go. I'd better get shaved and showered before the taxi comes to pick me up. Taxi . . . Budd gets a limo. I wouldn't want to be late for my possible 5-minutes of fame. And what's with all this snow! It's like freakin' Alaska out there! I'm already freezing my Punxsutawney's off! Speaking of which, I wonder if Sarah Palin will be here. She'd never pass up an opportunity to mingle with the common folk. And Punxsutawney is as common as it gets! You betcha', nice catch-phrase. Hey Sarah, I betcha' they cancel your Fox News contract any day now!

I'd better practice my lines. Eh, wiggle my nose if I SEE my shadow, more weeks of winter or is it . . . if I DON"T SEE my shadow? Hell, I don't really care. I just want this day to be over. Maybe Budd's limo will get a flat and I'll finally get my shot at stardom. Okay kids give daddy a hug it's time for me to go to work. I'll be back in about an hour with good or bad news about Spring's arrival. And what a surprise . . . it's snowing again! Happy Ground Hog Day, ya' freaks!

Source website:
http://www.groundhog.org

Disclaimer: The above rants and opinions are those of Punxsutawney Phil, not to be taken as the opinion of the writer, nor do I believe Phil's opinions matter . . . he's a ground hog.