The Real Scoop on Parenthood

Recently, a friend of mine thinking of starting a family asked me for the "real" scoop on parenthood. I decided to resist the urge to give her stories of sugar-coated babies napping on fluffy clouds and tell her the truth. So here it is, for her--and for you.

I know everyone says that having a baby changes everything, but seriously--having a baby changes everything. I do still glimpse the pre-baby me, but it's rare.

Pregnancy, for me, was a mixed time. I was thrilled to be pregnant, and really I felt fine for the most part--at first. I'd say up to 6 months or so I felt good, other than morning sickness, but mine wasn't THAT bad. Between the 6 and 7 month mark I got really uncomfortable, and it was downhill from there. I became a large toddler, really. I was tired all the time, but didn't want to sleep all the time. It was physically hard for me to do the things I wanted to do, and because of the sleep deprivation I was cranky and irrational. My husband says I was "mellow," but I think he only thinks that because he was working and going to school during my pregnancy. It would be hard to be that grouchy and tired and still be an effective employee. My job at the time (occasional substitute teaching and tutoring at Huntington) was virtually stress-free, and there were still days I thought I might knock a kid upside the head with a stapler.

Childbirth was. . . well, it was both way easier than I thought it would be and way more difficult. In terms of pain, thanks to our friends the anesthesiologists it's really not that bad. However, I really wasn't prepared for the possibility that things would go any way other than perfect. It was hard to be stuck in a hospital for so long, and it was especially hard because we didn't really have friends in Boise so I didn't get many visitors. However, I also think the extended hospital stay eased us into parenthood, gave us a chance to work with a lot of lactation consultants, and made the move home much easier. I was so happy to sleep in my own bed and shower in my own bathroom that I didn't mind getting up every 3 hours.

Here's the thing that you really can't understand until you do it: newborn babies eat about every 3 hours. That means if you feed the baby at 9, you will also feed the baby at 12. So if you start feeding the baby at 9, you might be finished at 9:30. You put the baby down, get about 2 hours of sleep, then go in, change the baby's diaper, and start the process over again. A few weeks of that really takes a toll, and you become grouchy. You snap at your spouse, you blame him for things that really aren't his fault, and you start to wrap yourself up in this cocoon of "no one understands, I have to do everything" that is totally focused on you and the baby.

During this time, the laundry and dishes will be piling up, you'll be hungry but won't want to fix any food, and people will be coming over to your house (or expecting you to venture to their house--but those people are clearly insane) so that they can see the baby.

I'm not saying there aren't moments of extreme joy mixed in there. There are. It's just that human beings were not designed to sleep in 2 hour increments. If you're lucky, your mom or mother-in-law will be really helpful. Stockpile gift cards for restaurants, freeze meals in advance, and if you can, hire a housekeeper. Or just make sure people coming to your house know that they can only hold the baby if they do a load of laundry or vacuum the living room first.

A lot of people mean to be helpful, but they don't know what to do, so they will wait for you to ask. And you will be too tired to even think of asking. So I guess what I'm saying is realize this before hand and let people know before you're in the middle of the sleep-deprived baby haze.

Now let's discuss breastfeeding. It's free and it's the healthiest choice for your baby, so it's what I wanted to do. People told me breastfeeding was hard, and I thought they meant it was physically hard at first, especially with figuring out how to get the baby to latch on. That can be a challenge, but the bigger reason it is difficult is that you have to do it, you have to do it so often, and until you master it there is no way to do it discreetly. At first I felt like it took me plus Andy plus the nurse to get Anna positioned correctly, get my boob where it was supposed to be, and then keep her awake and interested. The result is that you really can't just nonchalantly breastfeed in the mall and feel comfortable. This leads me to the other reason breastfeeding is difficult--you end up isolated a lot. You already feel isolated because you are not at work or out being social as much as you used to be, and then add to that the idea that even when people are at your house (or when you venture out to their house) you end up in the "back room" breastfeeding for much of the time. About the time you get competent enough at breastfeeding to be able to do it discreetly, your baby is suddenly so distracted by all the lights, sounds, colors, etc. around him or her that you have to start feeding him or her in a dark, quiet room, so you're right back at the isolated feeling.

Part of me loves breastfeeding. I love that I don't have to mix bottles, I love that when babies are exclusively breastfed their poop is WAY less stinky than when they are formula fed or when they start eating solids. I love that in the middle of the night I can just stick her on the boob and that's it. I love that she is dependent on me for nourishment, and I love that my body is amazing enough to be able to provide it for her. But I completely understand why so many women attempt to breastfeed and stop, even when they weren't having supply or latch issues.

You also need to know that when your baby cries and wants to eat, something happens to you. You have an actual physical response to the cry, and I'm not just talking leaky boobs. If you have to wait until you are home from the store, or out of the mall, or whatever, then it just gets worse. Your heart pounds, you start to sweat, and some force takes over your brain and all you can think about is getting to a place where you can feed your child. The physical act of having a baby and then breastfeeding really makes you realize that man is an animal.

What does having a baby do to a marriage? If you are not really secure in the strength of your marriage, do NOT have a baby. I can't imagine those couples who have babies to try to "save" their marriages. That must never work, because after a few months of no sleep and everything I mentioned above, you will become a giant magnifying glass. Everything in your life is intensified. If you had an issue with your spouse not helping with the housework, it will be magnified by 1000. If you thought he spent too much time at work before the baby, magnify that by 1000. But it works in good ways, too. I know it seems contradictory, but you will simultaneously love your spouse more than ever before and hate your spouse more than ever before. Since Anna has been born, I have discovered new and wonderful things about my husband. He is more thoughtful and considerate than I ever knew. However, he is also more of an inconsiderate ass than I ever knew. I realize it sounds like I can't make up my mind. Well, that's true. Let me try to explain by way of example.

You have been at home with the baby all day, which is both wonderful and awful. Your spouse finally comes home from work, and all you want is 5 minutes to yourself. Spouse comes in, and you are all set to toss him the baby and go do whatever. However, spouse wants to go to the bathroom and change clothes first, which annoys you because it has been a long day and you need to pee, too, dammit. He finally comes out to get the baby and he takes her and it is so freaking cute to see them playing that you can't imagine doing this with any other man on the planet. He makes the baby laugh and you are filled with love for him, and even though you thought you would spend this time reading a book or napping or something you find yourself drawn into just watching them. Then the baby needs to be changed or fed or whatever, and he attempts to take care of it but of course doesn't do it the way you would do it or just doesn't have as much practice as you and he asks for your help. This annoys you because what in the hell does he think you do all day by yourself and why can't he do this one thing without your help? You decide he is an inconsiderate ass. Later that night, you are talking and he tells you something he wants to do for or with the baby and you again think he is the most wonderful man, husband, and father on earth.

It's kind of like that, all the time. Back and forth.

Eventually you get more sleep and things mellow. You find you like him more of the time, but the highs aren't as high as they were when the lows were more frequent and more intense.

Also, I'm sure you'll have every intention of going on dates. However, when it comes to finding someone to watch the baby, arranging that, and paying for that plus the date, you'll decide it's easier just to watch a movie at home. Maybe one day, when the kids are older, you'll go out when it isn't one of your birthdays or your anniversary. Maybe your parents will visit and give you a night off, or if you're lucky you live near family who will babysit.

One aspect of motherhood that I never considered is how much it changes who you are, especially if you opt to stay at home. I love staying at home with Anna, but it does open up issues you might not have realized you'd have. I'm used to having a career, and we Americans often define ourselves by our careers. We're also used to some sort of feedback (although teaching is probably good preparation for parenthood since you don't get a lot of feedback--those "observations" never really told me much). Your child will not give you quarterly reviews. Your spouse will not sit down and go over your strengths and weaknesses with you. You just do what you can every day and adjust as you go. In that sense, it's a lot like teaching. You adjust and improve, but only because you want to get better. Some days I feel like I'm supermom, and other days I feel incredibly lazy.

Now for the scoop on motherhood: It's awesome. Yes, there are moments of complete fear, months of utter exhaustion, and instances where you realize you'd probably better start saving for your child's therapy. But being a parent forces you to be a better person, and in the process of becoming the parent your child deserves you figure out that the people in your life are more important than anything else. A lot of the stuff you worried about before just doesn't exist anymore. Of course, it is replaced with new worries, but I find it much easier to live in the moment now than I did before.

Children grow so quickly that they are a constant reminder of the passage of time. Anna has been alive for 8 months and already she is a completely different person than she was when she was born. I am already nostalgic for when she was "little." I have never been more cognizant of appreciating each minute than am I now. Anna has forced me to slow down, and that is a good thing.

There are days when she is fussy, and those days are hard. However, I find that if I leave the house every day, even if it's just for a walk, my day is much easier. I find that she's less fussy when I am able to put aside other tasks and just play with her. And honestly, I must have hit the baby jackpot because all in all she is a really happy baby. It's easy to get her to laugh and smile, and hearing her laugh is indescribably beautiful.

The bottom line is that parenthood rocks, but it's not for everyone. You really have to be willing to put your child first in pretty much every aspect of your life--especially in the beginning. But I can't imagine life without Anna.

And it's only been 8 months.