The Real Story of How I Got Verified on AC

Maria: Uh-oh. Looks like I'm not verified. I guess AC wasn't kidding when they sent out that message a few days ago.

Alien from Tihsllub: Betta getta verified, girlie-girlie! Or else ya won't get paid yo' pathetic five-dollarooski performance payment! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Maria: Shut up, Squillock! You should open an AC account and see how well you do!

Alien from Tihsllub: Squillock is an SEO masterooski! Squillock would bring in a billion page views his first week on AC! Squillock mocks you!

Maria: Whatever. Okay, so I click this little red thingy where it says "unverified" next to my profile picture...and now I enter my phone number...Yeah, number one for United States...Do I want them to call me or text me to give me the code?

Alien from Tihsllub: With Squillock's superior intelligence and supreme psychic powers, Squillock can already tell you your code.

Maria: I'm not gonna trust you with something as important as verifying my AC account. Sorry. I'm not making that mistake again.

Alien from Tihsllub: Squillock didn't know that guy was your cousin. Squillock returned him to his dorm room, safe and sound. Squillock even removed the microscopic tracking device from his rectum.

Maria: I don't wanna hear about my cousin's rectum. What you did was wrong, and you know it!...I'm gonna select the phone call option. Supposedly they'll call me within a...BBBBBRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG!

Alien from Tihsllub: You want Squillock to answer that, girlie-girlie?

Maria: No, that's okay. Beep! Hello? Cool, it's a robot lady...She's giving me my code...Check me out! Now I'm verified on AC.

Alien from Tihsllub: Squillock senses danger. Squillock bids you farewell, girlie-girlie.

Maria: What danger? We're fine.

Alien from Tihsllub: Auf wiedersehenooski, chickie-pie!

Maria: Don't go, Squillock. C'mon...POUND-POUND-POUND! Dammit. Can't they read the "No Soliciting" sign on the door?

Alien from Tihsllub: Squillock see you another day, maybe, girlie-girlie. Buh-bye! Buh-bye!

Maria: (sigh) Bye, Squillock. KA-BLAM-BOOM! Holy f*ck! What the...? (Heavy footsteps rapidly approaching.)

AC Verification Officer #1: Sorry to disturb you, ma'am.

Maria: (gasp) Get the f*ck out of my house!

AC Verification Officer #2: We'll make this as painless as possible.

Maria: I'm calling the police!

AC Verification Officer #1: We're here to complete your AC verification process.

Maria: Are you freakin' kidding me? You broke down my front door!

AC Verification Officer #2: Yeah, our helicopter knocked down a couple trees in your backyard, too. Sorry 'bout that.

Maria: I'm already verified. I just got the phone call, and entered the code the robot voice gave me. See? Right there? It says "verified" next to my name on the screen. And "verified" next to my estimated performance payment. I'm calling the cops right now.

AC Verification Officer #1: That's the crappiest performance payment I've ever seen!

Maria:Excuse me? You destroyed my trees and kicked down my front door so you could track mud into my bedroom and insult me? Forget it. AC isn't worth it. I don't wanna be verified. Undo it and get out.

AC Verification Officer #2: Our job is to make sure you're a real person-you already passed that test; congratulations-and that you're actually writing all the content you publish on AC. All by yourself.

Maria: Of course I'm writing that content all by myself. My kids certainly aren't helping me. And my husband's grammar sucks.

AC Verification Officer #1: Normally we don't make house calls when a CP's performance payments are, um, as low as yours, but there's a bit of an issue with some of your earlier articles...

Maria: What issue? Which articles?

AC Verification Officer #2: Tell us about Michelle Grebo.

Maria: It's a penname I made up. I thought it'd be funny to write some really, really bad romance, so I did. I pretended to be Michelle Grebo's biggest fan-the person reviewing her crappy romance novels. But all those articles are published under my real name. I don't see what the problem is...

AC Verification Officer #2: Are you ready to prove you're Michelle Grebo right now?

Maria: What do I need to do?

AC Verification Officer #1: Strip naked and dance the hokey-pokey.

AC Verification Officer #2: Knock it off, Bill. He's kidding. Seriously. If you'd seen the last AC writer we had to verify, you'd understand...

AC Verification Officer #1: Now we know why she doesn't post her real picture!

Maria: I do have my real picture posted...

AC Verification Officer #1: Not you. The last lady we visited. There was an issue with her AC profile picture, but the issue's been resolved.

AC Verification Officer #2: Long story short, it's not really her. I think the woman in her profile picture is a Penthouse model. We had to make sure it wasn't really her...It's our job.

Maria: Did you kick down her door?

AC Verification Officer #2: Bill took her a dozen roses!

Maria: What do I need to do to make you guys leave? Write something? You wanna watch me write? Give me a topic, and I'll write.

AC Verification Officer #1: Nah. We believe you. The Michelle Grebo thing makes sense.

Maria: Will I ever have to be verified again? 'Cause if you guys are gonna start harassing me on a regular basis, I'm gonna cancel my AC account right now.

AC Verification Officer #1: Don't cancel your account, Maria. Really. I loved your article about Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series.

AC Verification Officer #2: You would!

AC Verification Officer #1: It wouldn't kill ya to read a vampire romance every once in awhile, Frank. You might learn a thing or two.

AC Verification Officer #2: Let's get outta here. We've got five more CPs to verify before we can go home. Real sorry to disturb you, ma'am. Keep up the good work on AC.

Maria: Uh. Thanks. So is AC gonna pay for my damaged front door? And pay someone to clean up my yard?

AC Verification Officer #1: Sure. They'll transfer the money to your PayPal account tomorrow, if that's convenient.

Maria: What about the muddy footprints? My husband's gonna see those and think the aliens really did come here today.

AC Verification Officer #2: I didn't know aliens wore muddy boots.

Maria: They don't, but my husband doesn't know that! He thinks he's Fox Mulder...David Duchovny? From The X-Files?

AC Verification Officer #1: Right. We'll be leaving now. Take care, Maria.

Maria: So I get to clean up the muddy footprints myself, then. Thanks for nothing, guys.

AC Verification Officer #2: Sorry we can't stay and help, but the next guy we've gotta verify is a real maniac. Someone who goes by "Morag Mortimer-Smythe" on AC. We don't even know if he's a man or woman. I mean, he's got a naked woman as his profile picture, but someone sent us an anonymous tip yesterday, telling us that Morag's actually a vertically-challenged man with severe halitosis. So we've gotta investigate.

AC Verification Officer #1: Yep. It's our job. Have a nice day, Maria.

Maria: (sigh) Same to you.