The Real Threat to America

That's right. Muppet Babies. Let's just analyze the facts here. Sure everyone loves the Muppets. Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Fozzie and Animal are to my generation what, um, older generations' puppet-like creatures were to them. What if, however, our love of those cuddly little folks was all meant as a ruse-a way to lull America into a sense of false security? Creating a world where it was perfectly acceptable for a frog to marry a pig?

I'm sure you're just as outraged as me.

That's right. I'm talking about Jim Henson being the architect of the downfall of the institution of marriage. If two puppets of the same species want to marry, I have no problem with that. That seems pure, and innocent, and holy even. When we start allowing, however, for frogs to marry pigs, what are we saying about the sanctity of that most Holy of Legally Binding Business Contracts? Clearly the wrong message is being sent from Jim Henson Productions. And it all started it with the Muppet Babies.

Looking back on it, removing the rose-tinted lenses of nostalgia, it is clear to see that the Muppet Babies were nothing more than thinly veiled propaganda for the Inter-Speciesists to get their claws into the minds of a generation of kids. If we saw the Muppets as children, as babies, just as we were children at the time, surely we'd know that they're just like us. That sense of identification to the Muppet Babies would allow to accept anything the Muppets did as being tolerable behavior for us all.

Not everyone in the Muppet camp agreed with this vile, subversive plan to undermine the beauty of intrapuppet-species marriage. Skeeter, twin sister to Scooter, was a vocal opponent of this subliminal campaign perpetrated by Henson and his gang of miscreants. Rumor has it that on set, Skeeter would wear t-shirts that denounced interpuppet-species marriage and that she'd attempt to get these t-shirts into scenes.

Skeeter Muppet wearing one of her controversial t-shirts.

She was even quoted in Time Magazine in 1988 as saying, "It's just not right! I just don't agree with forcing kids to accept such an un-Godly union of creatures into the bonds of marriage." Fed up with her tirades, Skeeter was fired as a Muppet in November of 1992. You'll notice she is conspicuously absent from any movies depicting the Muppets as adults.

Fear not for Skeeter's well-being though. She settled down with a pharmacist and had three children, Skater, Scatter and Todd. She was tapped in 2006 to head President Bush's "Coalition for IntraPuppet-Species Marriage Protection" and was a chief backer of California's Prop 801 which called for the banning of interpuppet-species marriage.

Until The Jim Henson Company comes clean, I will not rest until this issue is brought to the forefront of the American consciousness. After all, what's next if we allow puppets to marry other puppets outside of their own species? I'll tell you what: The End of the Earth forever and ever.

Editor's Note: Statler and Waldorf, the first Gay Muppet Couple was unable to be reached for comment.