The Realities of Middle Child Syndrome
I do not believe I was abused by my parents because I was the middle child or because I was the least noticed. My parents were overall good parents who I feel did the best that they knew how to do at the time. I'm sure like the rest of us, if we could go back and do some things over again with our children there would be many things that we would do differently. They taught me morals and a good strong work ethic.
Just because I talked about the realities of growing up as the middle child does not mean that I blame my childhood on my life today. As adults, we are responsible for our own actions and how our lives turn out. I do not condone or defend anyone who says, "I'm the middle child so that is why my life stinks". I believe that if you want a different life, then you need to make different choices to get better results. I have spent my entire life working hard to be the best I can be but none of us are perfect.
My article on middle child syndrome was discussing the realities of what it was like and what it is still like being a middle child. We all have times in our lives when we feel hurt, misunderstood and unappreciated. I just believe that this happens more with middle children.
Middle child syndrome is something that we often hear about, but little is ever discussed negatively about the other birth orders. Why is that? Is it, as someone mentioned in my previous article, an excuse for middle children and adults to slack off? I don't believe so. From my own experience as a middle child, I feel that I was driven to excel in everything I did and I was anything but a slacker. The stereotypes associated with each birth order are not a reason to give up on yourself or on your life.
Coming from a family of three children, I can see both the positive and negative sides of each birth order. The first born child is put on a pedestal and the most is expected from him or her. According to an article I read on CNN.com, the oldest sibling is considered to most often be a natural born leader and a problem solver with strong organizational skills. Because this is the stereotype surrounding the first born, parents can push the eldest sibling harder than the others. The oldest sibling in our household was also punished more severely than the rest of the children because the oldest is supposed to know better. The oldest sibling tends to have more responsibility than younger siblings.
The youngest sibling tends to be babied the most and because the parents are worn down by this point, discipline is usually less. The older siblings will often get into trouble for things the youngest sibling has done because the parents can't believe their baby did something bad. In our household growing up, my youngest sibling was always in the most trouble at school and even as an adult struggled for years before settling down and getting serious about life. The birth order article on CNN.com states that, "Youngest children may suffer from other people's assumptions that they are spoiled, stubborn, and manipulative."
The middle child, once grown, tends to be the one to move the farthest away from the rest of the family. The middle child needs to find their own identity and feels they need to be away from their siblings in order to do so.
I believe that middle child syndrome exists because the first born has a clear cut role in the family, as does the last born. Even though there are negative sides to all three birth orders, the middle child's role is more one of invisibility. I believe that many middle children would want to have their parents expect more out of them as they do the firstborns, or be doted on as the baby is. Any attention is better than no attention at all.
Parents and their children both can do things to help fight middle child syndrome. Parents should make their middle child feel as important as the other family members. Praise your middle child as you would your other children. Don't leave them out of the loop on what's going on in the family and in events. Listen to your middle child when they talk to you.
The middle child or adult needs to let the parents know how they are feeling. I'm sure most parents of middle children have no idea that their child feels left out, ignored and less important than the other siblings. As adults, we have to take responsibility for this as well. When I feel left out and unappreciated by my family, I need to speak up and let them know. With parents and children working together maybe middle child syndrome can become a thing of the past.
Published by WD
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31 Comments
Post a Commenti am dating someone who is the middle child - all boys - we have come to a cross road of 'taking the next step' to which he is really conflicted with the committment. we love each other and of course i do not want to force or rush anything. rather i have gone to the web, to read and better understand the middle child syndrome. since many here writing comments are middle children, i wondered if i could get perspective from you as to how to work in a relationship with someone with middle child syndrome. i apprecaite any and all advice. we have made it for five years and know we can continue but i want to be sure i am being considerate to his situation and want to understand it in its entirty and really know what he needs from me to be supportive.
thank you for your help!!!
I am aged 63 years and have always wondered why I have always felt so alone even in my married life. Reading these comments have explained a lot for me.
Thank you
Hi..im a middle child too, second out of three. I have an elder sister and a younger brother, and even my siblings' genders have disadvantged me: I come from an Asian family, where boys are revered over girls. When I came along, everyone was hoping for a boy, since my parents had a girl already, so my birth was a true disappointment, I know from relatives that I was never celebrated or given any attention even as a baby. all hell broke loose for me when my brother came along two years later: he was the boy they had always wanted, so they stopped there, levaing me stuck as the middle child. I am TRULY SHOCKED to read all the comments above, as they are all coming from different individuals, yet each story spells out exactly what used to happen in my family. I 'll write more about my experiences soon
Oh Cindy,
I feel a bit like you. When you mentioned that your parents stop you in mid-sentence and nobody notices, I share the same pain. However, I am a child of a middle child. What hurts the most is my mother's denial of her actions; she has treated me in the same manner as she was treated by her parents--primarily by her father. He was truly a jerk. Unfortunately, my self-esteem has suffered immensely. Throughout life, I have felt inferior to other people.
Gods, it's good to read this. It's like coming home, knowing you're not alone! I think the pain of being neglected and ignored will always stay. When I visit my parents home, it all comes back to me. Telling a tale, stopping mid-sentence.. and nobody who notices. I indeed live far away, am said to be artistic and am highly educated compared to my 2 siblings. If only my parents would accept the MCS... But they don't, it's just me wallowing in self-pity and I need to get a life. Sigh...
(continued) I'm scared it will affect my own family as i cannot and do not want to continue the care plan for my sister in this way. My younger sister, who can do no wrong said she has a life and will not be doing it. My parents just said they've left the house to my older sister in their will! That's fine but who's gonna look after her when she does it all? We even looked into emigrating recently just to get away from it all at long last but financially couldn't do it. The future just fills me with dread. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.
I'm very relieved that i've read all your comments. I've been wondering if it's been just me "over-reacting" again. I feel like a light has been switched on, finally i've got some explanation for the way I have always felt. My article will probably come across as bitchy but I feel so angry both with my family and myself for getting to 33 and still letting them get to me! I am middle of 3 girls. I'll begin with my elder sister, 8 years older than myself and at the age of 17 was diagnosed with M.E. Now at the age of 41 she's still lives at home with my parents. My mother constantly fusses and insists she can't or won't be able to do things, even though she could, given a goal to aim for, eg. walking to the car instead of using her wheelchair, she constantly walks around my parent's house but when I visit she doesn't get up from her bed! My mother describes her as an "invalid" whenever she talks to anyone. This behaviour has always infuriated me beyond belief and i'm scared it will affec
(continued) The fact is i am trying to work out to improve my weaknesses like being more vocal and socially apt.To all those middle childs out there: "Never Give Up! What's wrong can be undone! You will see the light someday!"
I am born as a middle child in an asian family. I am surprised to find this article and it did point out to many 'troubles' that i faced during childhood. And Yes, it is also literally spot-on about my character. In my childhood days, I always wanted to outperform my eldest brother in anything. He is like the 'imaginary' goal for me to overcome and i never really win him in much things. This one-sided sibling rivalry is also partially encouraged by my parents and teachers. We were in the same school back then. At some point in time, i got tired of 'trying'. I neglected my academics and sort comfort from my peers. But , when i fail and have to repeat my studies.Then i realise my parents were always there for me, even though some friends left without saying goodbye. In the twist of fates, I counted this failure as my blessing.For one, I no longer try to 'compare' myself with anybody. i'm convinced that each person has each of their lives to live with. There is no point in comparison. Th
I am 23. I am #5 of 7. In a household with 2 older siblings and 2 younger(the other 2 were grown up and moved out). So growing up I guess its #3 of the 5 kids at home. I feel like I have been neglected all my life. My parents love me a little. They hardly know anything about me and have never cared to know. I have tried to communicate my feelings to my parents but they will not hear it. I have left that place. I have broken away from the family I guess. I do not have much in common with them. I would say that I am the classic case of middle child syndrome if such a thing exists. Completely misunderstood/not cared enough for to be understood, as long as I have been alive. I have been told by more than a couple of people"it would be well advised of me to get checked for depression". It shouldn't be a suprise that an unloved child would be depressed as an adult. I am not close to the family. I would like to be, but I am just different, we just dont mesh.
Because of this kind of experien