The Realities and Repercussions of Adopting and Rejecting Artyom Savelyev: Russian Adoption Gone Wrong

As the mother of an adoptive child from Russia, the current news story about 7-year-old Artyom Savelyev and his adoptive mother Torry Anne Hansen sent chills through me on many levels. How can an adoption, an act of love and hope turn into an international nightmare? The long-term ramifications for the little boy, his adoptive family, future or current adopting families and the two countries involved, Russia and the United States are overwhelming.

This is not just one case, one precious human child who is affected by poor decision making on the part of an adoptive mother. In this case other adoptions, international relations and a very tentative adopting road is bombarded with the repercussions from Torry Hansen's actions.

Disclosure and Reality in Russian Adoption

We as adoptive parents are often told very little about the children we adopt or are attempting to adopt. Is it possible she didn't know everything? Sure it is, but you know that when you adopt. A good adoption agency is upfront with what details they do know, as mine was with me. They are realistic in telling you that sometimes they get very little information. You accept it or you don't. It is a bit frightening but so is going through the adoption process or raising any child.

I was asked if I was willing to take on a child with disabilities, deformities or emotional problems. My answer was an unequivocal, "Yes." It would have been no different if I had carried her inside of me. Not everybody is though and you need to know that ahead of time. The possibility is there, no matter what is known or not.

A smart adoptive parent does their own research, talks to other parents who have adopted even from that particular place and realizes that there is a chance a child may come with issues, particularly older children. The reality is no matter what they are able to tell you or not, any child that comes into the world by birth or adoption comes with possible issues, past present or future. You weigh the possibilities before you take that final step to adopt.

If you adopt, you take the child as he or she is the same way you would take a child received by blood birth. If you cannot handle any kind of issues out of the norm, you should know that ahead of time.

Is the Russian government trying to cover up facts and hope foreign adoptive families will take the children anyhow as some coverage is insinuating? That is insulting to insinuate that they would hand their native children to foreigners with no regard for truth and without concern for the children's welfare. They are very particular and stringent in their rules for foreign adoptions. They want the children to go to good homes and belong to a loving family.

Communication breaks down sometimes in the process and hurdles have to be jumped, but no one is out to hand so called defective kids to unsuspecting families. They are simply looking for a home for a child in need. In this process there is hope, hope for a future of a child who needs a loving home and hope from the family who welcomes a new child into their family. With the hoops we have to jump to adopt internationally, no one takes a child's adoption from another country lightly. All involved are very aware that these are children, not pawns or merchandise.

When my daughter was handed over to me in a final farewell at her orphanage/hospital, there was a gathering of staff to attend the event. Their emotional and heart rendering speech talked of giving the children of their country from their hearts to ours, entrusting us with the blood of their country to raise and become a part of ours. I will never forget that day. It was the pinnacle of positive human relations between two countries. That is the ultimate gift any country could hand another. They do not have to allow us to adopt. They choose to for the welfare of the children involved.

The reality is we all knew there was a possibility of issues to deal with. That's called parenthood, any kind of parenthood. It doesn't come with guarantees of perfect children and picture perfect relationships. You take a chance and you dive in. You come up swimming or you come up struggling but you are in the water for the duration one way or another.

My daughter came with eye problems and was way behind in developmental skills. I didn't know that before hand, but quite honestly, it made no difference. I wanted my child with every fiber of my being. I worked with her every day to help her catch up. I had the advantage of training in some of that so I knew what to do and how to help her, but anyone can learn. I imagine Torry wanted Artyom just as much as I did my daughter. No one adopts on a whim. If they do they will be weeded out before they are given a child. The process is arduous.

Cultural and Emotional Shock for Artyom

It did cross my mind to wonder what she thought of him when he was with them, if he was the adoptive son and not simply another child in the family since she could send him back like broken merchandise. Kids are smart and very perceptive. If he in any way felt that he did not fully belong from the interactions with his adoptive family, perhaps that affected his behavior further. I wasn't there. I don't know, but it did make me pause when that possibility crossed my mind. It could make a difference in how he acted. How would you be as a child if you did not feel like you belonged?

Look at this from Artyom's point of view. Stand in his 7-year-old's shoes for a few moments. I traveled my whole growing up life. Every new place and situation presented new ways of thinking, a new learning curve to work through, a completely new language, foods, surroundings, a new way of life with each change. It was always a challenge.

Imagine being a 7- year- old boy going to a new country, not with his birth family intact as I always had, but at an age where he has already learned some of a birth culture, a language, and even the sights, smells, tastes and touch of one place only the first seven years of his life, even if they were in an orphanage or an unhappy home. Throw in a house full of strangers into the mix.

This small boy is then expected to calmly understand these vast changes in his life, instantly and adapt immediately and behave accordingly. That is not realistic. Culture shock takes some time to get over. What is normal to us here in the States may be jaw dropping or even frightening to a newcomer and this is a child who had to relearn everything in a new reality. Add emotional and psychological issues that may have not been treated and that boy could be totally overwhelmed.

It takes time to assimilate a new place and new ways into your life. Kids are very adaptable. They learn. But they still need a realistic time to do that. Even if he was happy and excited to find a home, wouldn't he still have emotional burdens that he carries with him, fears and communication problems? It may take time.

This was not an infant being adopted. His life did not begin the moment he stepped into his new home. A child's personality is primarily formed by the time he or she is 4 years old. Did they not realize that he came with baggage attached, good or bad? We go into an adoption with high expectations as parents but reality has to be a part of the dream.

Decisions and Poor Choices in Russian Adoption

Adopting from another country is not an easy feat. There are reams of paper work, interviews, tons of preparation and endless excruciating waiting to finally have a child. It is exhausting, frustrating, exciting, hopeful, frightening and overwhelming.

The red tape and legalities are necessary no matter how much we as adopting parents balk at being put under the fine lense of a magnifying glass when adopting. Obviously though, sometimes the magnification is not strong enough to tell the whole story from both sides. Maybe they did not get all the details they could have about, but as a parent would you throw back a child who didn't fit your parameters and expectations?

Behaviour problems in adoptive kids or any child for that matter can be destructive, exhausting, draining and disruptive. They can put a family in turmoil. There are ways to deal with it though. Putting cookies in a back pack and sending a small boy on an international plane ride with an attached note of rejection, like a piece of defective merchandise being returned to the place it was purchased from was cold, ice cold and not a viable option.

I understand they may have been overwhelmed and couldn't cope but you do not send a frightened child on plane and wipe your hands of any responsibility. He is a human being, a little boy. There are people who will take a problematic child. There are other ways to handle him if she couldn't.

When I adopted I met a family in my area who had adopted two kids from another country. They were happy, thrilled with the kids they found. Another family adopted two who they were not so happy with. These two came with behavior problems, big ones. The family who adopted them was getting ready to send them back. They couldn't cope. The first family heard about it and also adopted the other two.

I have met all four kids a number of times. Yes, the second two are a real handful, but after the parents got them in treatment and taught and loved them, they began to respond. They will probably always be a challenge, but they will be a handful of love as well. I admire this family greatly. They took on two kids who were yet again being rejected for being less than so called perfect and they did it without the wink of an eye, because they had a home and love to offer.

How does an adoptive mother reach the point that she would send a child away like luggage that was delivered to the wrong home? Desperation or fear? She was worried about her other kids. He was one of her kids too. Why did they take precedence because they were her "real"kids? Once you adopt, that child is as much your real child. If you do not believe that then you should not be adopting to begin with.

Future Shock and Repercussions

One thoughtless act done in desperation perhaps, but still without thought to the repercussions on every level. At the drop of a hat, any country can stop adoptions by people coming from other countries. In Russia we adoptive families were faced with stereotypes and urban legends about the purpose of foreigners adopting in Russia. It is something we had to live down. Some of the stories we got hit with were horrible and it was left to us to prove them wrong. What we did for and about our adoptive kids matters for everyone involved. We go knowing that our actions can keep the door open or slam it shut for future would be adoptive parents, whether we are there or here.

In one fell swoop, adoptions can get stopped. Hope is halted. Remember there are most likely hundreds of families in the process of adopting from Russia and even more looking into adoption. This woman's actions have not only hurt a small boy and her own reputation, but all those waiting children may now have no permanent home until this gets straightened out.

It was torture waiting for the green light to go adopt my daughter, knowing she was there. Every day I prayed for that invitation to come from the court in Russia. Every night I prayed to let my baby know she had a mommy who loved her. Some of the older kids are told they are going to be adopted. They may have met the adoptive parents. Now they will have to sit there, not understanding why they can't go.

What about Artyom Savelyev? He has now gone from a supposedly abusive birth home to an orphanage, to another home, and now for a third time he has been tossed aside. If you think he had issues before, imagine them now. My heart goes out to that child.

Kids do not come with instructions and a warranty or a chance to purchase an extended warranty to guarantee perfect working order for a set number of years. If she had children already, she should have known that.

Torry Ann Hansen needs to be held accountable for her actions, for the sake of Artyom Savelyev, other adoptive families and children and the future of international adoption with Russia. I feel pain for all involved, but whatever her reasons, children are not meant to be sent back marked "Return to sender, defective". She had other options here.