The Rear Bumper is Not a Window to Your Soul

Okay, America, this is your last chance. I'm only going to warn you one more time before I black out and wake up in a strait jacket. As an impartial observer, I offer you this final bit of advice:

THE REAR BUMPER OF YOUR CAR IS NOT A WINDOW TO YOUR SOUL

No one driving behind you on the morning commute cares about how you brake for spider monkeys, how great your little brat is, or how you feel about the government's treatment of Australian pygmies. What they do care about is why you're driving your '86 Corolla in the fast lane at 43 miles per hour, and if anyone would notice them nudging you into the concrete divider.

On the other hand, excessive use of bumper stickers does provide the rest of us with a valuable service. An early warning system, if you will. It's like a concise, single-glance way of telling us, "Hey, let's never be friends." Other bumper adornments, such as the Jesus fish and the equally douchey Darwin fish, help us gauge with accuracy the level of Douchebaggery you have reached. Also high on the list is the ever-pretentious "Coexist" sticker, which portrays each letter as a different religious or social symbol. Oh, thanks for that little tip, random bumper! I didn't realize things would be better if people were nice to each other. I also didn't realize you were my conscience and moral compass. This clears up so much of the mystery and ambiguity that have long plagued my existence! I beg you, please instruct me in the ways of global warming propaganda, the evils of any company that employs more than three people, and how to keep a straight face when giving my kids hippie names like Sage and Hope and Barry.

Here's a little knowledge, owners of rear bumpers - if I really want to learn who you are as a person, I'll force you into a ditch and engage you in conversation like a normal person. But until I ask whether or not your kid is on the honor roll, just assume that I don't care. Because I don't. Ever. And your kid's a douche, too. He whines and eats his own boogers, which tells me exactly the bar they've set for honor roll students.