The Refrigerator from Ruin 4: Enter Mr. Grindhouse

The Refrigerator from Ruin 4: Enter Mr. Grindhouse

To see what you missed in the last Chapter of Refrigerator from Ruin: Movin' Out, click here

Gallon Maximus slides on Snail Trail's track of buttery spread across the transparent shelves of the refrigerator. "Welcome back to the land of Dairy, Maximus," chuckles the butter.

The bucket of ice cream spins around to take in all of the sites of his surroundings. "Dairy..." Maximus says to himself and is quickly cut off by an arrogant voice from the closing refrigerator door.

"Welcome to the fridge Gallon Maximus," the ice cream looks up to see the shouting bottle, Admiral Hot Sauce. He grabs his nearby girlfriend, Lady Marinade as the fridge door is closed by his Condiment Captains. "Someone pick up the pieces from that cheesewiched idiot outside," Hot Sauce turns his attention to the other jars who pick up the recently wounded Dairy Battalion members, Wedge and Eggxactomondo.

"I am gracious to be back amongst my brethren," the Neolithic Neapolitan wipes the condensation that forms across his forehead, "but is it always this warm down here?"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that," Admiral Hot Sauce raises a smile over his Texan label, "you'll get accustomed to the temperature," and with his final statement, the fridge door is resealed by the magnetic strip and darkness washes over the pieces of food brought to life by the mystical box of baking soda near Gallon Maximus' melting body.

Meanwhile, back in the frozen tundra of the freezer, Lord Salisbury barks at his soldiers, The Organics, in order to rescue their recently duped and idiotic ice cream comrade. "How many times do I have to ask for Mr. Grindhouse," questions the Lord to his minions.

"No need tah bahk Mr. Salsibury," the voice from a bag of coffee beans calls out from the corner with a Boston accent. "I heard ya called for m'services again."

"First off, you are refer to me as your Lord you -," reminds the commanding piece of meat.

"These free lancing beans grind to their own rhythm Salsy," chuckles the bag as he sucks down on a broken off icicle and breathes out an icy cloud. "So, I hear yah need m' tah clean up yer dirty work again eh?"

"Yes, well you know how easily duped Gallon Maximus can be," the Lord rubs the bridge of his meaty nose from a migraine of frustration. "But this time that fool has gone too far. The Ice Brothers estimate it will only be a mere matter of hours before his body begins to severely melt, and you are the only one capable of getting in and out of that fridge before the Master wakes up for his breakfast."

"Of course I know I am dah only one, which reminds meh." The bag of beans puffs out ice smoke from his mouth and pauses to contemplate his greed, "what is Maximus' rescue worth to yah dis time?"

The Lord again rubs his meat in worriment, "his return would be greatly appreciated during this war Grindhouse."

"I ain't in yah wahr, I'm in it fer meh," the bag of beans stomps out the icicle and turns his back to the Lord.

"All the rack space you need!" The Lord quickly barks out a bargain that is highly dubious, but he knows that Grindhouse would take the bait, especially with rent being as high as it is these days.

"Tahp rack near dah ice tray," coldly states the bag of beans as he stops walking and slightly cocks his head to the Lord.

"Deal," the piece of meat exhales and goes limp after finishing the deal, "now please get out of here and save our ice cream...again!"

On cue as he normally does after Gallon Maximus is tricked, Mr. Grindhouse waddles as fast as he can and slams into the freezer door so that it blasts open from its magnetic strip seal. The bag pauses to turn back around and coldly reminds the Lord, "if I'm not back in fifteen minutes...call the President," and the bag hops out of the freezer, plops down to the tiled floor below and begins to infiltrate the bottom fridge door.

Thanks so much to those of you that read previous installments of this absurdity. If you like where this is going, please check off "helpful," if it is "funny" or not on Funny or Die or just leave a comment.

Be sure to check out part 1 of The Refrigerator from Ruin