The Rest of My Life: The First 100 Days

It has officially been 100 days since I declared the beginning of the rest of my life. It is time to take a look back at the first 100 days of the rest of my life.

January 23

As I always like to do to commemorate the start of the rest of my life, I take a tremendous dump. Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin reveals that FDR and Abraham Lincoln both took tremendous dumps at the beginning of the first 100 days of their presidencies.

January 26

I begin alphabetizing my booger collection. Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin says she can't recall any of the presidents having done such a thing during the first 100 days of their presidencies. "How about George W. Bush?" asks moderator Keith Olbermann. Goodwin expresses doubt about Bush being familiar enough with the alphabet to ever undertake such a task. "He may well have had a booger collection," she adds, "But it probably was in no particular order."

January 29

I am faced with the first major decision of the rest of my life. I decide to record The Girls Next Door and watch Rock of Love. My decision pays off when Holly, Kendra and Bridgett decide to all sit together in the hot tub nude-a scene I get to play back over-and-over from my DVR.

February 1 through 14

I go on a 3-day drinking binge and wind up in a rehab center. Rehab turns out to be a blast because Lindsay Lohan is my roommate! We snort heaps of coke and she introduces me to some of the weirdest sex I've ever had, involving handcuffs, a goat, guacamole, a mariachi band, ranch dressing and a Kitchen Aid. Then we murder our counselor, steal his car and escape from the facility.

February 15

I return home from my little rehab adventure. My wife suspiciously questions me about the distinct scent of ranch dressing emanating from my crotch and the tattoo of Lindsay Lohan's smiling face on my ass. I explain to her that they are just steps 6 and 7 of the 12-step program.

February 19

Despite being clean and sober, I am arrested in a juice bar fight when a ten-year-old kid tries to steal my papaya smoothie. I pound the crap out of the little bastard.

February 26

My wife comes home early from work to find me creating my own Girls Gone Wild video with some of the high school girls in the neighborhood. This leads to a heated argument and I end up spending several nights on the couch. Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin talks about how this incident reminds her of days 3 through 100 of the first 100 days of the Clinton administration.

March 14 through 21

While entertaining a roomful of spring-breaking college girls in Cancun, I am arrested for possession of handcuffs, a goat, guacamole, a mariachi band, ranch dressing and a Kitchen Aid. The 12-step program excuse doesn't work this time and I am extradited back to the states. Once again, presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin recalls days 3 through 100 of the first 100 days of the Clinton administration.

March 27

Whew, close call! Paternity test results show I am not the father. I celebrate by having unprotected sex with a broad I pick up in a bar.

April 1

I go to church. Then I spend the rest of the day reading the Bible. April Fools!!! Actually, I spend most of the day drinking beer and reading Hustler magazine.

April 5

I ask my wife if she'd be open to bringing another woman into our love-making. She says its fine with her as long as she doesn't have to be involved in any of it.

April 12

What would have been another boring day perks up when I add three more pieces to my booger collection.

April 17

I wake up in a fog on the floor of a cheese warehouse in Kenosha, Wisconsin wearing a black bra, panties, garter belt and stockings. Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin remarks that on the 40^th day of his presidency, the same thing happened to President William Howard Taft. The only difference is Taft was wearing red ladies undergarments and he ate all the cheese.

April 18

My wife asks if I have any idea why her black bra, panties, garter belt and stockings are all stretched out of shape and smell like Gouda. I cleverly change the subject by telling her how great her hair looks today.

April 26

I eke out yet another paternity test. Time to celebrate again!

May 2

The first 100 days of the rest of my life comes to an end. I have been arrested three times, beaten two paternity suits, drank gallons of booze, snorted coke with Lindsay Lohan and had one hell of a good time! Yet again, presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin remarks on the similarities to the first 100 days of the Clinton administration.

Here's hoping I survive the next hundred.