The Return Home

Even a year after he had stepped down, people still spoke of Victor's single-handed maneuvering of Lenley's finances. He had brought it to unheard of prominence. Under his direction the bank increased its revenue three-fold and grew its assets, following only the surest of investments. It was the strongest growth that any bank in England had seen in a long time. Even in difficult times, Victor's financial virtuosity and intuition made the bank's position enviable.

Yet there was a tremendous downside. Though Victor worked well with those immediately under him, the financial officers at other branches, especially those in Chicago and Philadelphia, did not like the tight control that he wielded over the bank. Though he was highly-respected, even his best supporters could admit that if he had his way Victor would try to control each major operation, giving the American branches little say on how to run their businesses. This was always a matter of contention between the heads of the branches and himself. Such constant friction in addition to his personal troubles, exhausted him. At the end of almost ten years he appointed the vice-president to his position and went into early retirement, staying on at the bank as a consultant.

Privately, there was somehwat less tension in Victor's life since he and Constance had quietly divorced. Victor and his ex-wife spoke once a month to one another about John and Virginia usually and occasionally about their own lives. Things had certainly improved for Constance. A few years after they legally separated she met and fell in love with a widower named Arnold Wellington. Only a few months after meeting they discussed wedding plans. Their friendship was such that Constance spoke to Victor about the engagement. The news came out awkwardly.

"Victor," Constance began uncertainly. She had contemplated telling Victor for over a week. She knew that he would be supportive, but somehow telling him about her fiancé would be painful for him. She still cared for Victor, as she would for the rest of her life. "Do you remember Arnold, the man that Ruby had introduced to me."

"Certainly, I remember you mentioning him," Victor said.

"Well, last Tuesday... he proposed to me and I said yes....We plan to get married next May."

Victor felt somehow disappointed yet he continued in his usual calm tone. "I am happy for you. You deserve such happiness. Have you told John and Virginia yet?"

"Not yet. I wanted to let you know first and I hope that this is not too much to ask," Constance hesitated. "I would like for you to be there for the wedding, but only if you want to be. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. There are very few times that we can see John and Virginia together. I thought that it would be a good thing for all of us. And don't worry," she added, "my family has gotten over hating you enough to leave you alone during the ceremony."

Victor had never considered until then how angry they must have been after finding out that he had cheated on their dear Constance. She had a penchant for surrounding herself with strong defenders and her surviving family were her strongest. He was glad they lived in the country. Life was trying enough without their belittling anger. He immediately agreed to go, and was glad that she had found someone to be happy with. He blamed himself for the entire divorce and had hoped that she would re-marry. He attended the wedding with his children and was cordially invited to the new couple's home on holidays. They were never strangers and Victor was thankful for the good relations. It was the best of situations in light of what had come before it.

His personal life, on the other hand, was in a constant state of flux. Victor had courted several women he had met at dinner parties or through mutual friends over the last few years. The relationships never worked out, though, usually because the women wanted to marry and Victor was simply not willing. Some thing would always be wrong with the timing. Either, he was too involved with work, or he was too newly divorced to settle into a new life with someone else. His sexuality was not something that he considered a hindrance. It was still only something to overcome. Eventually, several years after being legally separated, he came around to the idea of matrimony again when he met an opera singer from Milan named Antonia. After a year of seeing each other and growing closer they became engaged, but one point of contention remained unresolved: Antonia needed to move constantly.

She was the daughter of actors who traveled throughout her native Italy and Europe, she was used to not staying in one place for long. This, Victor could not adapt to. He was tied to England in various ways. So the marriage plans ended. The break-up was painful. Antonia had fallen in love with him. Victor, felt that she was the last woman that he had a chance of being with. He was approaching his late forties and the thought of living his later years alone troubled him. It didn't look good in the eyes of society, nor was it what he had planned for himself. His life during the past ten years had taken uncomfortable and unexpected turns, and losing Antonia was a terrible blow to him. Though he certainly was not in love they had developed a deep closeness that bordered on matrimonial affection. Indeed, Victor felt he should have had deep feelings for her. Antonia was the sort of woman that it seemed he should love. She was very attractive, kind, very dedicated to her work, and good to him. But something simply was not there. Change was part of Antonia's life and predictably, after the after the break-up she moved on to the U.S. to make her American debut. After reading in the papers, how she was being hailed as a great talent he wrote to say how happy he was for her. He was glad that she was happy and that her dreams were coming true.

Ironically, a month after his ex-fiancee sailed for New York, Elliot returned from that same city. After heading the most agreeable of the Lenley branches, Elliot felt homesick for England and decided he had been away long enough. After about ten years, he figured that the troubles had left, must certainly be gone now. While in New York, he didn't allowed himself to recall much about that day at the hotel with Victor. He had to move on from those feelings and that experience. In many ways, it appeared as though he did. While living in the U.S. Elliot had married twice, his last marriage ending with the death of this wife and child. Distraught, Elliot sought the support of his new American friends, some of whom were as closeted as he was. Their friendship meant a lot, but he never engaged in any affair, the fear against homosexuality being even more pronounced in America than in England. Seeing the years roll by, Elliot began to seriously rethink some of the decisions. He'd put himself through a great deal to avoid a certain reality. The miscarriage above all else brought him to make some serious reconsiderations. In the child's death there was a small mercy, as the child and its two parents was spared from maintaining a loveless family. He had friends who were gay and married with children; they seemed content enough but such duplicity was not in his temperament, not for the long-term. If it were possible, he would rather have real love, as strange and dangerous a prospect as that was. More than ever, Elliot realized how very short life was and that appearances really stood for nothing. Life held enough difficulties already without him making more of his own. So somewhat broken down, but still hopeful for the future, he returned to London and bought a home near the bank.

It was inevitable that Elliot and Victor would meet again as they had many of the same friends and acquaintances. Yet Elliot had already told himself that when he saw Victor again he would simply act as if nothing had ever happened. As it turned out, he was to see Victor sooner than he imagined for one day as he was about to head to Lenley's to begin his first day back, he met Victor heading in the opposite direction. They glanced at each other for a very brief moment, and each walked by the other as if passing by a stranger. After about two weeks, they had graduated to a hello. As they did not pass each other everyday, it took a while for anything more to be said. It was well over a month until anything approaching a conversation was exchanged between them. One day, while Elliot was late for a meeting, he passed Victor who was taking a walk. Both wanted to say something besides hello. Victor's words were stuck in his throat and Elliot, remembering Victor's particular sense of decency, did not want to scare him by saying anything approaching a request for a visit. So it shocked him that Victor one day asked for help with a problem that he was having with a report. Elliot was not the first person to ask for such assistance. Elliot was more than competent, but Victor was the master at money. Elliot took his excuse to meet in stride and said that he would be able to help later that day.

As the evening approached Victor's discomfort became obvious. Even as he went up the steps, report in hand, and quietly knocked on the front door, he walked slowly, as if a man still considering his actions. His hands were sweaty and he knew he must look pale from fear. He had to keep reminding himself that it was only a sense of duty to their past friendship which brought him there. Nothing more. It was only decent that he should say a proper hello.

Victor knocked quietly, so softly that it seemed barely audible to him. Elliot certainly didn't seem to hear it as the door remained shut. Perhaps he had forgotten about their meeting, Victor thought. If he didn't answer the second time he was going to leave. A little more forcefully, Victor knocked again. The door slowly opened to reveal Elliot smiling, glad to see Victor again. Victor asked if he could come in and Elliot obliged him. As Victor looked around him, he noted how much more modest Elliot's home was now, compared to what he previously owned. Financially, he was as stable as ever, yet Elliot had decided to reduce his living quarters and staff a great deal. Because of the sad memories, he sold the house he had with his first wife, Rebecca. As he told Victor, that was a first step toward a simpler life. Though he did allow himself the luxury of a servant, the person he had hired was a sixty-year-old man who was to only work from 8 to noon, and never on weekends, as he took care of his ailing wife. Meeting him after all that time, Victor was surprised by the unquestionable change in Elliot. He anticipated weight gain or gray hair, but except for some scattered gray throughout his light brown hair and a few slight wrinkles, Elliot hadn't changed much.

But he certainly was different. There was an enviable peace about him which was difficult to describe or even understand. When Victor asked about it, Elliot sat down as he recounted his many losses. "As you know, my first wife Rebecca died. My second wife and I were completely incompatible. She was a dancer in a ballet company and I just thought she would be fun to be with. Everything about her said she should be my wife. But it didn't work out. My third wife and I were planning on having a child, she was several months along but she always had had frail health and she went into the hospital because she was not feeling well. After a few hours of trying to save her she died of a heart condition.

"I'm so very sorry to hear that," Victor said sadly. "How devastating!"

"It was, very much so. It still is. I have not really spoken about it. Perhaps I should, but it was so difficult to talk about at the time," Elliot sighed. "I suppose I have just gotten tired of death, tired of losing everything and I want to learn how to live again, to be happy. Perhaps I never have been and simply want to know what it feels like." Elliot motioned amiably for Victor to sit. But he remained standing. A sad, reflective expression came across Elliot's face as he remembered the hotel room. As he continued to speak Victor eventually sat down, though, staying much longer than he had planned. To try to cheer him up, Victor light-heartedly recounted his own love failures, ending with his fiancée Antonia leaving for the U.S. "America has taken away my fiancée, but gave me back my best friend," he managed to smile. Elliot smiled too. Victor visibly stiffened and got up.

"I don't think that we should be as close as we once were," he said slowly taking his hat. "You are a good friend and that is all that you should ever be to me."

"Why?" Elliot said quietly expecting Victor's distance.

"What do you mean why? You don't want what happened before to happen again, do you? I'm very sorry for your loss, but you will lose more if we are together. Our feelings, those feelings are wrong and you know it?" he said pointedly.

"Honestly, Victor, what are you so afraid of ?"

"Disgrace! This is disgraceful! You saw what happened to Mr. Wilde and his kind," Victor insisted.

Elliot held up his hands and looked around the room. "Do you see anyone here? This is not a rare thing and you know it."

"Well, it should be. We would be ruined if anyone found out, and you know how people can be."

"Yes, I know I used to be one of those people, remember? But not anymore. I see you haven't changed," Elliot said then paused. "But the invitation is still open."

"I thought you were more cautious than that. Do you not care about your name, your reputation?"

"Of course, I do. That's why I'm not shouting it from the rooftops. I've had to be careful. People in the U.S. are worse than they are here. Honestly, Victor, it just seems that life is too short for all these petty cares about what other people think. My career is one thing, it has been good. But my personal life....I feel as if I've been a failure, like things keep slipping from my hands. Now I want to simply to be happy, to have something meaningful in my life permanently. I don't think that is too much to hope for."

Victor shook his head at Elliot's incredulity. He decided to ignore his audacity. "There is a party tonight being held by Mr. Benton, he's running things at the bank now. Since you are still working there I trust you will attend."

"I had planned on it."

"A female companion looks nice but is not necessary."

"It's too late for me to get one now. I planned on going alone anyway," Elliot said resigned to Victor's coolness.

"See you then," he said simply.

Victor left to get ready. There was a woman that he had befriended that he had invited. All that evening it appeared that she must have known that she was only there for show, since from the moment she entered the Bentons' home, she was flirting with every available and unavailable man there. She playfully held on to one of the accountant's arm and told him jokes for most of the time prior to dinner. Victor didn't mind much as long as they did the respectable thing by sitting next to each other during dinner and appear to make conversation, which they managed. She was amiable to him, but certainly not interested. Considering the circumstances that was acceptable.

Without wanting to, Victor noticed Elliot. He was still captivated by him. Sitting almost exactly across the table from him, Victor realized again how very handsome he was. In fact, Victor had never noticed just how badly he had missed Elliot until that evening. From the short distance across the dinner table Elliot's light brown hair held no grey and his smile was as easy as ever. Even though his skin had become a little flaccid with age, he somehow managed to look more distinguished than older. Perhaps it was the lighting. Victor chastised himself for being so enamored. He turned to his date and made small talk and then mentioned how much he liked being with her. She laughed, as if it were a joke and continued talking to the gentleman on the other side of her. Elliot overheard but gave no reaction. Victor wondered why he felt so foolish for being so constrained about his feelings, when he knew such relationships were never beneficial for those involved. He recalled the Wilde-Douglas affair and other relationships. There was no real love in them just imprudence, lust, nothing more, nothing good.

As the party ended, several colleagues Victor and Elliot were praised for their work on behalf of the company. It had never been as successful as it had been when they were working there. Certainly the coming years would see more improvements, but they were the best thing for Lenley's and, one ventured to say, for England. Elliot took the praise gladly. Victor took it in stride, still recalling the great troubles he had while director.

Upon leaving, Victor noticed the distinctly heavy smell of alcohol on Elliot's breath and offered to see him home.

"I'm riding, not driving. And I can walk myself to the door just fine," he remarked chuckling, but Victor still said it would be a good idea for him to go. Elliot conceded and they silently rode back to Elliot's house. Victor walked him to his door.

"You did not need to do that. I am not drunk."

"I know," Victor observed. Then he paused briefly, trying to think of the right thing to say. "I just wanted to apologize for being so...foolish to you earlier."

"What is this?" Elliot asked hardly believing his ears. "I thought you were doing the right thing. Your lady friend certainly seemed interested in you." He replied laughing a little to himself. "Come inside," he said opening the door.

"I know. I was very near-sighted," Victor said as he sat down in the drawing room.

"Well, I think you need your glasses changed," Elliot said chuckling as he sat down across from him.

"I have been in terrible straits these past several years," Victor began in an attempt to explain himself, to make some peace. He had to admit that what Elliot felt about him was important. "Ever since that trial years ago, I have had a tremendous sense of guilt. I actually wrote to Mr. Wilde and told him what I did and asked for his forgiveness. I shall have to wait until the next life, if there is one, to know if he actually did forgive me. But it gave me some sort of peace, and I had to pray for forgiveness as well. You know I must have felt terrible, because I am not a religious man at all. I've been so miserable. I've had to busy myself with work. But things just got worse. Constance left, I barely saw my children. Everything was falling apart around me. But I got some peace; I wrote my letter. Perhaps that was all I could hope for at the time."

"Well, at least you got something good for your troubles." Wanting to remove the sad expression that had come on Victor's face, Elliot leaned over and kissed him. Victor backed away shocked. "What's the matter with you?" he raged before opening the door and leaving.

As he walked back home, the same old conflicts arose in him. He continued to tell himself that this was wrong, his feelings were very wrong, very unnatural. No matter how strong they were, they should not exist. But he had to admit, as much as he hated his strange feelings for men, Elliot made it so easy to submit to them. Kissing and being with him felt so unbelievably natural, but it was too scandalous to entertain a relationship like that, and he hated scandal.

Victor lay in bed awake that night. Why was this happening now? After all these years? Did he have these feelings for him all this time, but only now they became obvious? Victor considered himself a very smart man, but he felt almost clueless when it came to this part of himself. He did great care for Elliot a great deal, but that did not mean that they had to be together. They could just still be friends, as they had been. Victor berated himself for never being able to rid himself completely of Elliot. Even while away in America there was not a day that went by when he did not think about him and wonder what he was doing. A large part of him was troubled that Elliot had been gone for so long. He had already lost Elliot for a time, and now he was so close by. Perhaps...maybe it was better to have a peculiar love than none at all, than being alone, Victor suddenly thought. That was what he wanted anyway, love. That was the reason for all those affairs. Now he had an opportunity in which he could conceivably have it with Elliot, as dangerous an idea as that was. It would certainly make life a little easier. It took so much constant energy to run away from what was always with him. It was beginning to wear on him greatly. Just maybe he could conceivably be with Elliot, but only by taking extreme precautions. Victor began to weigh the possibility of a relationship. People already knew that they were best friends. Whatever closeness they appeared to have could easily be attributed to a desire for understanding and male camaraderie after Victor's many failed relationships. Most, probably no one except Constance would ever suspect anything else. Perhaps it could possibly work.

As he lay there Victor remembered how they met during their first day at the bank. It seemed that from the start of their friendship, more lay behind their kindness and easy manner with one another. And now if he wanted, from that day forward, Elliot could be the best thing in his life. What if Victor accepted Elliot's invitation? His mind began to mull over the thought more deeply.

For a man in love with logic and certainty, he was beginning to contemplate a dangerous unknown. Victor knew that he could only be this out of character if he were really in love; this was the first time in his life that he was acting so irrationally. But how could Elliot really accept his friendship now? He left his house so angrily, so definitively. Elliot probably did not want to see him again. What if he did, though? Victor decided that he did not have much to lose in at least seeing him again. If these notions of a close friendship were wrong then he'd know. At least he would not be wracked with questions as he was now. Victor decided to go to Elliot's home the following afternoon right before the housekeeper left. He waited in the study until Elliot came in. He figured it would be more difficult to throw him out if he were already inside. That day Victor did not have to go to the bank and since he hardly slept the night before he took a nap on the sofa in the study. At the sound of the front door closing loudly, he awoke and sat up, trying to be as composed as possible. After several moments, Elliot passed the study to go to his room, but noticed a familiar figure in the study. He turned and said nothing at first.
"I wanted to apologize," Victor began very slowly and cautiously. A look of fear mixed with determination was his face. He only glanced at Elliot. "I have been very rude to you. Forgive me."

Elliot walked into the room still looking rather surprised.

"It may not seem like it but I care enough about our friendship," Victor paused, "to not see it die, not after all these years. We owe it to ourselves to continue...being friends...if you'd like." He remained seated as he spoke, hoping that Elliot would not get upset.

A brief silence came before Elliot replied. "I would like that very much, Victor."

In that moment he realized just how much he liked the way Elliot said his name.

Elliot sat down near him and they kissed, but this time Victor did not pull away. "I may not be natural, but I can at least still be happy," he said between kisses.

"What do you mean you are 'not natural?'" he asked with slight incredulity. "Love is always natural." They kissed again and Victor became a little frightened. He was so used to strict control over his feelings; it terrified him to be without the security of fear. It felt as if he were walking off the edge of a cliff with no one to pull him back or bring him to his senses. What was he doing, he thought as they grew more passionate? He was passing a point of no return and he wanted to pull away again and again but couldn't. Something mysterious held him there to Elliot. There was a strange, unexpected intoxication that came with this a reckless freedom. Victor realized that expressing his real nature was strengthening. Being who he was could have its own rewards. Perhaps this was good for him. Perhaps they were good for each other. Though they were risking the loss of everyone's esteem if they ever found out, his feelings were too overwhelming to ignore. He decided then to find out where they would lead.

Slowly, Victor leaned back on the sofa with Elliot and calmly, without fear, they laid down and made love. It was not until later the next morning that Victor left Elliot's home. When the housekeeper at the door very early the next morning, after Elliot had left, he told him that he had the day off he was and returned to his home. Shortly thereafter, Victor and Elliot agreed to meet the following day at a house Victor had north of the city. From then on, it became a regular tradition for them to meet at least twice a month. They would go to Victor's northern house, separately going to and leaving from there, but spending every moment while there together, taking long walks in the country or staying in the spacious manor house. Between that time they would spend as much time together as possible when it was most convenient. Or they would take trips together to the continent.

Despite their secrecy, Constance figured out their relationship, and gradually accepted it. Victor did not mind her knowing, either. He knew that just as she never told her family about who he had the affair with, she would never tell their children about Elliot. Whenever, John and Virginia would visit, and Elliot was around, he would simply be introduced as a good friend and co-worker at the bank. They reasoned that their father was simply one of those men who was not meant to be married. They merely understood Elliot and their father's relationship as a close friendship, and nothing more.

Once the topic of Victor's assumed bachelorhood did come up during a visit John paid to see him. John had recently become a father and was asking for advice when the issue of Victor's life came up during a walk.

"I know that you and Mother had a falling out after the affair."

This was the first time that John had mentioned it so plainly. Though time had lessened it, Victor still harbored a certain shame about what happened. But John was almost thirty-five now. Victor listened. He felt that he should be able to speak openly to his father about these things.
"Yes, we did. Your mother was very good about it, though. It was all very amicable considering the circumstances. I hope that you never put your wife Helen under that sort of strain."

"No, we are too much in love, even after ten years. Now that we have started a family, we are very happy now. I just thought that perhaps you would have wanted that happiness for yourself again. You never wanted to remarry? Mother often said that you would."

"It's not for men like me. Don't worry about your father. My life is full enough."

"Work and making money are not the only things that can make one happy. In fact they rarely make one happy."

Victor smiled at Constance's influence.

"I know but I have good friends and family. You all make my life very rich."

John stopped walking. "How philosophical! Elliot must be rubbing off on you."

Victor stopped as well and wondered what he meant. "How do you mean?"

"Well, he recently gave a lecture at the monetary society about fiscal responsibility. He said it was not enough to make money, where it went and what it was used for was just as important as making it. He had some very good points."

"Yes, well, he is a smart man," Victor casually remarked.

"People still talk about you at the society. I don't make the lectures often, but when I do, I always get the most glowing remarks."

Victor shrugged nonchalantly. He had since become less concerned about what other's thought.

"Some, honestly, are not so nice. But most are very kind for good reason. I only hope that our new twins Victoria and Elena come to know one day just how honorable their grandfather is."