The Returning Nester Syndrome - More Adults Going Back to Live with Mom and Dad

Empty nests are becoming full again. More and more grown children are moving back to their parents' homes. Most have one or more children in tow.

I and my four children are an example of these statistics. The reason was common. After becoming divorced I could not keep up with my previous finances. This despite cutting back on all sorts of frills and extras, like fast food and video games and cable television. Returning to the work force was not an option, at least not at first, because I was also suffering from an assortment of health problems in addition to the usual issue of finding decent day care. So I became what many would scorn as a 'lazy' welfare mom. Believe me, I was anything but, as anyone who has raised even one child, let alone four, can attest to.

State assistance barely covers poverty level living. After a year of struggling, my children and I were homeless. My parents were not in a position to take us in at that time so I found a shelter and a wonderful set of case workers to help us. After a few months we managed to get a section 8 voucher and found a three bedroom, two story house to call ours. This lasted two years before the owner decided to sell the house and my family was once more out on the proverbial street.

This time, we could not find a replacement for the home we had lost. Three bedroom housing, especially qualifying ones within the section 8 program, are incredibly rare. We had been incredibly lucky to find the first one. Another like it just was not going to present itself this time.

Three and a half years after my separation and eventual divorce, my parents opened their doors for us. At first, it was to be temporary. The neighborhood was a bit nicer than before, but stress levels were high. I continued my search for another place that would take my housing voucher until it finally expired and I was left completely without options. Myself, my four children, both of my parents and the youngest of my two younger brothers all managed to squeeze ourselves into a spacious but now very crowded three bedroom home.

My previous health issues were not completely banished but at least they were more manageable now after several years of medical attention and therapy. I could finally return to the work force and managed to find a desk job at a credit reporting agency. Unfortunately, this was only a dollar or two above minimum wage and there was no way I could afford a place of my own yet, so we continued to live with my parents. My mom became my day care provider and public assistance paid for her services.

From other articles I've read, this is all fairly common. Grown children who are doing their best to make their way in the world often have trouble finding decent roommates or affordable housing, especially if they have children. Even two-income families can be hard-pressed to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. One bad bout of illness or other disaster can send entire families out onto the street. Grandparents are often pressed into service as babysitters as well as landlords, especially when trusting a virtual stranger for day care can lead to abuse or neglect per the various horror stories one can find in the news these days. And quality, licensed care is simply too expensive, even when parents are earning above minimum.

Eventually, my dad's job asked him to relocate to the other side of the state. It was decided that I and my children would rent the house that we had been sharing with them. My youngest was finally ready for first grade, so day care was not quite the issue that it had been. I adjusted my work schedule so that the latch key syndrome could be kept to a minimum. For several years my children and I(okay, this was mostly done by me) took care of the yards, paid for minor repairs and paid a token amount of rent. It wasn't until two of my children were mature enough to move out on their own that I could look at buying my own place. It took a lot of searching, because I still could not afford much, but I now own my own home.

It took twelve years from that first homeless period to acquire a home of my own again. And this was with a lot of help from a lot of sources all along those dozen years. Many of the programs I relied on to help me get through so many difficult periods apparently no longer exist. There are new ones, to be sure, but I honestly don't know how I would manage now if I had to start over again. Living with my parents had become my only option after exhausting all other government programs and reliable roommate location attempts.

In the meantime, three of my four have moved out from under my roof. One is fully independent, working full time as well as another part time job. And she has finally found decent roommates to share her rent after several unpleasant matches. My other daughter moved in with her dad, so she still counts as a continuing statistic in the returning nesters group. The third just graduated from high school and is staying with a very close friend of the family. He will be attending college and qualifies for grant assistance, but is also trying to find part time work to cover books and fees. And maybe offer at least a token amount of rent. He has a very understanding roommate. In some ways, he almost qualifies as a remaining nester, since this particular friend, while not blood kin, is as close as any family member could be to us. College students also respresent a percentage, since many attempt to live in on-campus or other housing, but varying circumstances can also send them back to mom and dad's abode.

It boggles the mind when I think of those families who do not have the kind of close relationships that I do or who otherwise do not have the option of returning home. In many cultures, it is expected that grandparents, children and grandchildren along with other extended family will share a home. America as a country and as a culture could be considered backwards in their belief that fledglings must leave the nest in order to become functioning adults. And I know there is a very good possibility that one or more of my three offspring who are out from under my roof may need to return. I honestly don't mind. The economy being what it is, I could use the rent. Even if it's a token amount.