The Revised Citizenship Test for New Immigrants

A. Call his lobbyist friends to find out what his opinion is?
B. Ask his lobbyist friends to fly him to Scotland to find out what his opinion is?
C. Check to see how much cash his freezer can hold?
D. Ask if the Senate page who brought him the legislation wants to see pictures of him naked with an aardvark?

The President is considering who to appoint as the next Attorney General. Should he:

A. Find out who the best qualified man or woman is?
B. See who brought in the most campaign contributions in his last campaign?
C. Find out which of his lobbyist friends are currently unemployed, or have spouses who need work?
D. Check to see who has pictures of him naked with an aardvark?

The President's poll popularity is at an all time low. Should he:

A. Find out what issues are of concern to people, and do something about them?
B. Tell the 70% of people who don't agree with him that they are flat out wrong and that he won't be swayed by polls or other people's opinions?
C. Elevate the terror level to "really bright red"?
D. Invade a country that no one cares about, in the hope of distracting people?

Before invading another country, the United States always:

A. Attempts to negotiate with the existing regime to improve conditions and move more them into line with global standards
B. Offers incentives if they do, and sanctions if they don't
C. Engages the UN to make sure that there is global consensus on how to deal with the renegade nation
D. Has the CIA Photoshop a picture of the country's leader, naked with an aardvark, holding a vial of anthrax and a small nuclear bomb

If a United States Senator reaches under the divider between two washroom stalls, it means:

A. I'd like your support in my next election campaign
B. I'd like to know your honest opinion on a piece of pending legislation
C. My freezer is almost empty
D. I'd like to take pictures of you and I naked with an aardvark

How does the United States separate the Congressmen and Senators from their aides and interns?

A. With the powers of the Constitution
B. With the approval of the Congress
C. With the approval of the Senate
D. With a crowbar

People try to get elected to positions in Washington because:

A. They care about the country, and want to make a difference in the quality of life of Americans
B. They are, otherwise, unemployable
C. They want to be lobbyists one day
D. Their freezers are empty

Which position gets the most frequent press coverage in Washington?

A. President
B. Senator
C. Congressman
D. Doggy Style

In order to become President, you must be able to:

A. Be fluent in several languages
B. Be fluent in English and Spanish
C. Be fluent in English
D. None of the above

Which of the following traits are not desirable in a President?

A. Truth, honesty and integrity
B. The ability to read children's books upside down
C. The ability to give speeches that no one can comprehend
D. A history of alcohol and substance abuse