The Right Thing to Do When Your Teenager Has Been Lying to You

Most of us, as parents, want very much to trust our children, and we know how it hurts when we are falsely accused of lying. We also know that openly expressing distrust of our children can turn them against us and create deep resentment. Consequently, we usually do everything we can to avoid accusing our children of lying to us. This is especially true when they become teenagers and want to be treated more like adults.

Unfortunately, however, teenagers do sometimes lie to their parents. Some of them do it regularly without as much as a blink of an eyelash. Others have more difficulty hiding the fact that they are bending the truth. Lying is especially common among teenagers who drink or use drugs.

Once the parents discover that they have been lied to by their teenager, especially over an extended period of time, it becomes very difficult for them to trust their teenager again, especially if the child continues to lie after being caught, as some defiant teenagers do. If you are reasonably suspicious of your teenager, especially if you have evidence that doesn't mesh with the child's story, it is important to share your suspicions immediately. If you wait to bring them up later, or if you hope the problem will resolve itself, you are beginning a dangerous trend toward denial. Also, if you are suspicious but don't say anything, your actions will usually betray your suspicion, and your relationship will deteriorate.

Healthy relationships are based on mutual accountability. This means that each person holds the other accountable by talking out issues that come up between them, especially when promises are broken, commitments are not kept or things simply don't add up. If you are afraid to hold your teenager accountable for fear they will get angry or feel hurt, you are subjugating yourself to their feelings. Your teenagers may quickly learn to exploit you in this area by accusing you of always being untrusting and suspicious of them.

When you clearly established that your teenager has lied to you, you need to express your disappointment and reinforce the importance of telling the truth. Do not ask your children to explain their reasons for lying. This implies they may be held blameless if their excuse is creative enough. This is bad practice to encourage in your child.

If you established a consequence for lying, apply the consequence. Don't hesitate to let your children know they will have to earn your trust again, but do tell them how they can earn it and what it will take. Otherwise they may feel powerless to regain your trust and they may lose interest in even trying. This could lead to despair and alienation.

Truth telling is so essential to healthy relationships that it must be addresses. A teenager who persists in lying to you, even after being confronted again and again, may be in more serious trouble, and you should seek professional counseling.