The Rise and Fall and Rise of Drew Barrymore

Did you hear about what Lindsay Lohan's monstrous nutjob of a father did now?

Well, the too-clueless-to-be-embarrassed-by-his-abhorrent-behavior Michael Lohan sent his daughter a letter telling Lindsay how much he loves her.

Awwww.

(Excuse me while this cynic wipes a tear from his eye.)

So, what's wrong with that, you ask?

It wasn't private.

You see, after writing this letter in his jail cell (Don't forget, Mr. Lohan was once imprisoned for securities fraud in 2004, then sent back again in 2005 for "aggressive unlicensed driving" and "attempted assault"), he submitted it to the weekly magazine In Touch for publication.

Uh-huh, you read that right.

For. Goddamned. Publication.

"I'm so proud of you in that you are taking back control of your life and putting it back on track like God wants. Now it's time to 'clean house', in every sense of the word and start anew...I can't wait for the day to hold you, look in your eyes and reap the joy we sowed with our tears. Until then, know that God is with you, and so am I."

Ewwww.

And you wonder why Lindsay drinks too much?

(Excuse me while this cynic reaches for a barf bag.)

Can you say "Daddy Dearest"? Except, of course, instead of using a coat hanger to beat his daughter, he's using her own fame to do it.

Maudlin, hypocritical, obnoxious, exploitative--man, I don't think Webster's has enough words inside it to accurately describe just how awful this letter is, or how bad it must make Lindsay feel. However, there's another word which fits perfectly:

Typical.

In Hollywood, child abuse isn't a vulgar anomaly, it's a logical and acceptable business decision. There's a long, infamous, and tragic history in showbiz of greed-crazed parents pimping out their kids for a paycheck. And most of the time, these former child stars wind up dead, in jail, struggling through years of threapy, or doing a reality tv show.

("Oh sorry, Mr. Bonaduce, I didn't see you lying on the floor there.")

But there are a few who not only survived the minefields of Hollywood, but kept their money, became bigger stars and turned out happy in spite of it all.

For example, go to the newsstands and you'll see prominently featured in the February issue of Harper's Bazaar, the young actress Drew Barrymore. Standing on a terrace in Manhattan overlooking the New York skyline, she's wearing a $3,800 cocktail dress, a $600 ring, and a mischievous smile.

Regrets? She's had a few.

In her autobiography "Little Girl Lost", it describes the problems Drew had as a famous child actress (ET, Altered States, Firestarter) struggling with pot, booze, cocaine, an irresponsible mother and too many bad choices. Before Poison Ivy, she couldn't get a job.

Now? Drew is a well-respected and successful movie star whose films in the last decade (Never Been Kissed, Charlie's Angels, The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Fever Pitch) have had a worldwide box-office gross of 2.3 billion. Somehow, I doubt that her next film (Music and Lyrics, co-starring Hugh Grant) is going to lose any money.

Drew Barrymore chose not to be another childhood statistic.

So, what advice would Drew give to Lindsay?

"I know Lindsay, and I like her very much. You just have to be as graceful as you can. You know, you flub, you flub. And that's life. Do what you want, but just be professional."

Sounds good to me.

Going to AA meetings sounds good, too.

And I wouldn't piss off your fellow actors like William H. Macy by showing up late to the set, either.

Oh, and Lindsay?

When your Dad calls up on the phone, have your secretary take a message. Trust me on this. Really.