The Role of Blame in Relationships

No relationship, nor the people there within, are perfect. Thus, it stands to reason that challenges and even the failure of a relationship must be a result of someone's either purposeful or inadvertent errors. Sometimes this is true. This is why it is a good idea to examine one's expectations, goals, feelings, insecurities and patterns of behavior, as well as their partner's. There are times when one partner might actually be responsible for the failure of a relationship. This happens when one of the two partners is deceptive, dishonest and/or manipulative. The manipulator will not take responsibility for his/her damage of the relationship and most often, tries to transfer the blame onto the other person. In these cases, however, it is not useful to blame the manipulator. He/she will deny it and the offending behavior will continue until you terminate the relationship.

Many times people blame their partner in a relationship because they are not willing to reflect upon their own behavior. It is easy to accredit someone else for the misunderstandings or failure of your relationship. Many times, both partners blame each other and there is no solution. People blame to either eliminate any of their own responsibility or because they have been wounded and want to even out the scales. Sometimes people feel quite guilty and they displace their guilt onto another person. In this manner, they don't have to deal with their own guilt because they have given it to their partner. Some partners, especially those who know that they have wronged their partner, don't want to take full responsibility for the breakdown of their relationship. Thus, they try to equal out the blame. One common example is the cheater who says: "I would not have cheated, if I had been getting what I needed from our relationship." In this case and many other similar examples, people blame others for their own actions. this is not acceptable in a relationship and causes more resentment than harmony. If the blamed partner believes this, it also places more responsibility on their shoulders for the success or failure not only of their relationship, but for the other partners actions. This is not healthy for a relationship or an individual. If a person is use to blaming others for their actions, they are generally unwilling and unlikely to change. It is best to terminate the relationship.

If you are a chronic blamer, then there are some things that you can do to change the course of your behavior. The first step is to catch yourself in the act. Before blaming others, you should ask yourself two questions. 1. Is it really necessary to have a culprit? Is it helpful in solving the conflict? and 2. Do I share in any of the responsibility of this conflict? Sometimes, even when you know that one person is mostly to blame for a certain situation; for example, getting lost on the freeway and missing that important meeting, it might be most helpful not to say a word. Giving your $0.02 about who is at fault will not add anything constructive to the conflict. The only way that it will help in soothing your partner if you accurately take blame for your own actions: if there are any. If you have no part in the breakdown of the situation, then, it is best not to say anything.

Blame can help a relationship, however. If someone is willing to examine their partner and themselves and adequately render a verdict as to whom and how the people involved are responsible, then, they might start on the dialog of healing. The only way that blame is an effective tool of ascertaining responsibility, is if both parties are willing to examine themselves and their partner's behavior, admit and apologize for their own actions that might have led to such a difficult time in the relationship and lastly, learn from their mistakes so that they make a serious attempt to eliminate that mistake from future situations.