The Sacred Garden: Marriage and Sex in the Mormon Faith

We Mormons seem to play tennis with words a lot whenever we talk with people who are not members of our church, especially when it comes to the words "secret" and "sacred". I looked them up in the Webster's New World College Dictionary. The word "secret" means such things as "kept from public knowledge or from the knowledge of a certain person or persons" or "keeping one's affairs to oneself". The word "sacred" means "regarded with the reverence or respect accorded holy things" or "consecrated to or belonging to the divinity of a deity."

Why am I looking up words in the dictionary? First of all, because it's fun for me to look up words in the dictionary. Secondly, because both of these words describe aspects of married sexuality as it is practiced among members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, of which I am a member. I am also married to a terrific man, who is also a member, and we have been married over 14 years as of this writing.

To those outside of our faith, sex seems to be something that should be either hidden as dark or dirty, or something that should be openly explored and shared among consenting adults. The media seems to delight in the latter, opening everything in great and graphic detail.

Mormons don't share so freely...which may be construed by some as repressed or held back, or that we also consider sex to be something terrible and dirty that should stay hidden. Not true. We simply prefer to be judicious, because while sex is an experience that is common to all mankind, we believe that sex is not something that should be treated commonly. Therefore, we don't share with others about our married sexual experiences.

Maybe we don't like sex? This is also far from the truth. We love it, and believe in it. Heck, we have to wait sometimes 20 years or more for it before we get to partake, and you better believe that, when we are finally licensed to do so, we do.

But how good can it be, when you come to each other with no experience? How can you know if you'll be compatible if you've never made love before you marry?

You know what? I don't believe there IS any effective test for compatibility before marriage. You can't find out by living together. Recent studies have shown that people who live together before marriage break up more often than people who don't. You'd think that people who cohabit would know if anybody could know. If THEY don't know, then who does?

Before they marry, Mormons are encouraged to meet and get to know the extended family, spend time talking and asking questions, spend time working together in different areas, and generally becoming friends and getting to know each other before we decide to marry. After all, it's easier to say "no" before the wedding, than afterwards.

We are commanded not to engage in sexual activity before marriage, so keeping that commandment compels us to learn about each other in other ways, before the sexual union takes place. Parents and family members in the Church encourage those who are dating to keep their physical distance until they are married, because when you're in love with someone, you naturally want to get very, very close. Mormons are just like anyone else in this regard. Our desires and drives are just as strong as anyone's.

Mormon engagements tend to happen a little faster on average than those outside of our church. My husband's and mine happened pretty quickly. We corresponded by mail for about six months while my husband served his mission for the Church. Then we got engaged when he returned home, and were married about two very stressful months later. I believe the general average may be around 3-6 months for a typical Mormon engagement.

Some might ask, "How can you do that? How can you jump into such a binding commitment so quickly and so blindly? How do you know you're not making a terrible mistake?" You'd be justified to ask such questions. No mortal can know for sure whether a marriage will work or whether it won't. We rely on our own feelings to some extent, and then look to the Lord in prayer to confirm our decisions. If we pray, and receive confirmation, then we at least rest in the knowledge that, whatever happens in our marriage will be for our best good.

For Mormons, marriage takes place in the temple. The wedding is called a "sealing ceremony", which is simple, beautiful and meaningful. Only members of the LDS Church with current temple recommends (a card we carry that allows us entry to the temple) can come to a sealing ceremony, but we often hold receptions afterwards, which anyone who is invited may attend. For those of us who have members of our family who are unable to attend the sealing ceremony, sometimes a formal ring exchange is held as part of the reception, but this is optional and is not the actual wedding. Exchanging rings is not a part of the sealing ceremony, so it can be done anywhere.

Some non-members get upset when they find out they can't come to their family member's or friend's wedding, but this isn't something we can really help. The Lord has told us to be married in this way, and as much as we love our families and friends, if they choose not to fulfill the requirements to carry a temple recommend, they cannot enter the temple. We believe Christ requires it, and we have to obey Him or face His censure.

Mormons are generally encouraged to avoid ostentatious weddings or trappings that go along with the wedding. My husband's and my wedding was free, since we were married in the temple near Seattle, Washington, and there was no charge to be sealed. I was even provided a wedding dress at no charge, since I didn't have (or want) one of my own. Our wedding reception was put together by a friend and held in a local chapel. It cost us about $400 total. Our wedding rings are silver bands purchased from a collectors' catalog, costing a grand total of about $35 each. We still wear them happily today. We spent our wedding night at the local Best Western, and saved our money for a larger honeymoon that we took 2 years later on our second anniversary.

This isn't how every Mormon marries. My husband and I are tightwads, and this worked for us. The only part that every Mormon is to have the same is the sealing ceremony in the temple. The sealing ceremony is an ordinance that grants promises to the couple that, if they remain faithful to the promises they make in the temple, then the Lord will make their marriage to remain in force after death. There is no "til death do us part" in the temple. Any children born to a sealed couple are automatically sealed to their parents.

You can get married civilly and then be sealed later in the temple, but this is not generally encouraged by our leaders, since it can be put off and put off until death comes to one partner or another. Those who are married civilly and then sealed have the same promises extended to them. Any children born to such a couple can be sealed to their children, and a circumstance such as this is the only time that young children are allowed to be in the temple before they come of age themselves.

Once a couple has been sealed, it's not a "free ride" to heaven, by any means. The blessings are conditional upon our individual faithfulness to Jesus Christ and His teachings. Each couple is expected to work together towards perfection. We don't believe that perfection is possible in this life, but we can always be working towards it. One myth that is sometimes inadvertently perpetuated even among our own members is that you have to be perfect before Jesus Christ will save you. That is decidedly not true. We have many talented and capable members in our midst who may SEEM perfect, but that's only until you really get to know them better. No one is free from challenges, and no one's ever been perfect except Christ. All we can do is our best (whatever our personal best may be) and not compare ourselves with others.

Mormon married couples sometimes struggle with physical problems and impairments that hinder sex. Sometimes they struggle with the sudden transition from "no sex at all" to "all the sex you want with your new spouse" because that can be a challenge. Sometimes there are psychological blocks or problems that keep a couple from successfully coming together.

Are they failures? Is the Church a fraud because their sex lives aren't terrific? No. Then is the time that we consult with our ecclesiastical leaders if current or previous sins are a hindrance (and they can be), or we meet with professional counselors or competent medical personnel, depending on the nature of the problem we're experiencing. If something's wrong with our sex lives, we try to fix it. We don't throw the relationship in the trash and start over with a new person, nor are we ever encouraged to do so by our leaders. Sometimes divorce may be necessary, but not nearly as often as it happens in the world today.

My husband and I have had many challenges of our own in this arena (what they are specifically is none of your business, thank you). The important thing is that we are committed to working on these problems together. By working through them together, we have become more closely bonded as a couple. Some problems we just have to manage, but we're managing successfully, with the help of our leaders and Christ.

The law of chastity that Mormons practice does not end with marriage; it only changes slightly. After marriage, we are commanded to have sexual relations only with our spouse, and no one else. Basically that means that we are not to share private, intimate details of our sex lives with anyone other than our spouse or Christ, or such people as I mentioned previously, who help us when we have problems.

Learning about the mechanics of sex can be problematic when you're Mormon, because most of what the world learns about sex often comes from pornography in all its forms. One thing I've learned about pornography and erotica is that it's completely useless for purposes of learning how to have sex. Its only use is to arouse, but it's so addictive that you can't use it without starting to need to use it, like a drug. It can drive a wedge between you and your spouse, and leave you thinking of other people when you make love. Thinking of other people doesn't leave you more bonded with your spouse.

Porn also tends to set up unrealistic expectations, and makes those who watch it feel that they are inadequate somehow when they inevitably cannot reach those expectations. Some videos that claim to be educational turn out to be pornography in disguise. A lot of the sex information in the mainstream media can also be unrealistic as well, so we've learned to be careful of our sources of information. Thankfully, there are resources out there, some from other Mormons and some from either the wider Christian world or from legitimate educational sources. Each couple has to work out what works best for them, which includes making mistakes sometimes, but that's what repentance is for.

The Church itself actually maintains a strong "hands-off" policy when it comes to telling married couples what they can do or cannot do in their sexual relationship. I've been going for temple recommend interviews in a lot of different congregations around the nation with different leaders for over a decade now, and not once have I had to answer questions about my sex life with my husband. The top leaders in our Church sometimes give guidelines on how to treat your spouse, but these are very general in nature, and specific kinds of sexual acts in marriage are not prohibited, unless one partner or the other finds that act to be demeaning or degrading. We are never to use sex to force, coerce or manipulate each other.

Communication and caring is important between each Mormon couple. Not every aspect of a married couple's sex life comes easily. It takes lots of hard work and constant practice, but that's not so bad now, is it? I don't think so.

In our church, adultery is a bad thing...very bad. So bad, in fact, that if we do marry in the temple and then commit adultery, an LDS person stands to lose the farm. Adultery means excommunication in our church. Those of us who are married have to follow similar guidelines as those who are single, as I mentioned in the article "Sex and the Single Mormon". It's easier though, when you have a spouse you can be alone with and close to and flirt with and play with. I find it much easier than being single.

Sexual temptation, however, doesn't go away for Mormons when we get married. Sometimes it's a real struggle. Being married doesn't free you from the chemical reactions that made you suddenly become infatuated with someone in the first place. Mormons believe that we can be compatible with many, many people, and that the idea that there's "one special someone" that romantic movies like to perpetuate is a myth. After we're married, we're bound to come across some more of these people that we could theoretically be compatible with. When this happens, there is sometimes an infatuation chemical spill. However, as Mormons, we are taught that giving in to such temptations and playing with them will only lead to misery and the loss of everything we love and cherish in our lives. This includes the trust of our families, our church membership, our temple blessings, our self-esteem, our ability to feel the Spirit and be guided, and our confidence before the Lord. Adultery isn't worth it to us under any circumstances.

I can't speak properly for any other Mormon couple (since no one will talk about their sex lives, and I really wouldn't want to know anyway). I know though, that my husband and I have built a very fulfilling relationship. We've been honest and open with each other, and faced our troubles together...and yes, we work hard and constantly practice, and it sure pays off in the end. Being married and being Mormon has been and continues to be a wonderful experience for me, when we both learn and grow together and work together on trying to be like Christ in every way we can.

Married sex. Mormons believe in it. I highly recommend it.