The Scariest Halloween Ever!

You know the creatures that lived under your bed when you were a kid? Remember them? I bet now you think they aren't real. Oh, but they are. They are lurking there this very minute, waiting to latch onto your dangling foot. And when they do...

"Hogwash!" you might say. Oh, but listen. Lend me your ear--no, not literally, that is gross. Please re-attach your ear--just listen.

They have tentacles, these horrible creatures, and they move like slugs. Take a look right now--I dare you to look the monsters in the eye.

There they are--hideous dust mites, thriving from your bad housekeeping, MRSA from the gym sock next to your shoe, which has a feather stuck to the sole from a bird infected with Bird flu. Egads! Clean out from under your bed sometime, please...

And what about the monster in the cupboard? Remember him? He used to growl at you as you passed by. As you grew older you laughed at the memory, at your so-called childish imagination. But now, now I dare you to revisit that cupboard. The monster is real. Just take a look.

What have we here? A can of recalled chili, bloated with botulism, sitting next to salmonella-infested green beans. Oh look, the monster has grown a batch of extra vicious E Coli bacteria through the years as well. The growling you heard was real. It was the sound of infected intestines as they battled some of the most evil creatures on earth.

Still, you laugh. You think contaminated food is not scary enough to make this Halloween the scariest ever. Okay. I hear you back there...you in the back row with the ball cap and know-it-all sneer. I dare you to enter the basement this Halloween. You must not forget the basement... the old dark, musty, scary basement.

Oh look, a toy box is down here. And herein lies a creepy dolly with hair like Britney Spears' after the "incident". A lead paint-smeared creepy imported dolly who walks and talks and poisons you slowly. Next to her is a soft fuzzy blanket. Yes, a soft, fuzzy cryptosporidiosis-contaminated blanket. Go ahead--wrap it around you. Feel its softness and comforting warmth. Don't think about the crypto and how your guts will soon feel like they have been turned inside out and scraped with a razor blade.

The crypto-infected toddler, named Damien, didn't mean to contaminate the blanky. It was an accident. He didn't even know he had the parasite. I am sure he would be remorseful to know he had ruined your Halloween.

What is that dripping sound? Oh no...the old Johnson Family's pond has gone over its banks. Now the water is all over the yard and creeping closer to the house. If the water comes in, it will fill the whole place with naegleria fowleri, the brain-eating amoeba! They want our brains! Help!

Wait, is that a headless horseman riding a terribly ugly, fire-breathing, horse through the infested water? No, oh no--it is Karl Rove and Ann Coulter. AAAAAAAA!!!! See! I told you monsters were real! Quick, bolt the door! Don't let them in!