The Second Boundary for Relationships

One of the most basic rules that we follow, or try to follow, is treat others as you would like them to treat you. I remember from a very young age, one of my older sisters would tell me often, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

This sounds like it is one of the easiest things one can do. If you want someone to smile at you, smile at them. If you want someone to be kind to you, be kind to them. These are easy in the beginning stages of a friendship or a relationship. After a while, we begin to let this slide. The yelling starts, the arguing begins. You find yourself being kinder to a stranger than to those that you love. How can this be? Why are we yelling at our children at the checkout counter while smiling at the child in the next line?

As we get more secure with the people in our lives, we drop all barriers, we allow our feelings to be displayed to them, and we are not worried about what they will do or say as a result of that. The fact that they love us makes us feel safe enough to show our feelings, especially the bad ones, allows us to do so with little or no reservations.

While it is beyond awesome that we have people in our lives that love us no matter what we do or say, that does not give us free reign to treat them badly. Even though we forgive and forget when they say mean things to us or do something that may be hurtful, that does not take the pain of the experience away from us. We move on, we still love them, we know they were having a bad day. But did we like the feeling when we were going through their "abuse"? Of course not, it was hurtful and made us sad.

There are a few things that we can do to ensure that we treat the people we love properly. As simple as they sound, and as easy as they are to write or say, they are difficult to execute, especially if tempers are flaring.

The first thing is to think before you speak. Ask yourself a few questions about what you are about to say or do. Would I want this to be said to me? Would these words/actions make me feel good or bad? Can what I am saying be interpreted differently than the way it is meant? If it can, should I word it differently or just explain the intent behind my words? Are the words I am about to use offensive? Once you know that you will not be hurting or offending someone, then you can say and do what you have set out to do. Of course, these are not questions you would ask yourself for every conversation. Communication would be extraordinarily frustrating if that were the case! These questions are suitable when you are about to have a serious discussion with someone. Try to set your emotions aside long enough to ask and answer these questions, and most of the time, you will have a successful conversation.

The next step, one that is surprisingly overlooked, is to listen to your tone of voice. One sentence, even one word, can mean something very different depending on what the tone of your voice is. Listen to yourself. Are you too loud, on the verge of yelling? Are you layering your words with sarcasm? Are you being too light with what you are saying, therefore taking any gravity of the situation away? Laughter can be offensive when it is done in a mean or rude manner, so be careful with when and where you laugh, and what you are laughing at!

The last suggestion is one that oftentimes seems impossible. Walk away in the heat of an argument and get your thoughts together. Speaking to one another when there are high tensions is never a good idea and will almost always cause more harm than good. These are the times when we say horrible things that we cannot take back. This is when we fight in an UNFAIR way and begin calling one another names. The best way to ensure that this does not happen is give yourself a time out! Take a few moments to re-evaluate why you feel so passionately about your side of the argument and how you can voice that in a respectful way.

Do not let your anger and your temper get the best of you. Be kind. Be sweet. Pay it forward. And if you do not receive the same back, that is okay. At the end of the day, you are not being kind just for the sake of receiving kindness. You are being a good person, one that will be more content with their life and relationships, and one that will be admired and respected.