The "Secret Key" to a Good Relationship

Ask Uncle Fred or your best friend, read the seemingly-endless supply of books, there's virtually no limit to the plethora of opinions and advice you may receive on the subject of what ingredients are necessary for a good relationship; and there are, in fact, many factors which are important.

You will likely read or be told that common interests are essential-- for a prospective couple to share similar hobbies and pastimes grants that they will have things they like to do together, and it's certainly important for those contemplating a longterm relationship to take this into consideration.

You may also hear that a relationship stands the best chance of success if both parties share the same values. It cannot be discounted that similar viewpoints on such subjects as family dynamics, lifestyle, what constitutes right vs. wrong, etc., are important-- that neither person is in the position of sacrificing what he or she believes in.

You may also hear that such topics as sexual attraction, similarities in income level, plans and goals for the future, are all elements which are absolutely essential in a good relationship.

But while all of these are very important, there is one "secret key" which many do not have, and, unfortunately, many who do have fail to recognize. As one woman commented, she was close to walking away from a new relationship because it was so "peaceful" that she doubted it could be "the real thing."

When two people have compatible personalities, the most obvious factor is the absence of chaos. For too many people who are so familiar with chaos in their backgrounds, lifestyles and relationships, it can be very difficult to recognize that the absence of it is the most important sign that this relationship "has what it takes" to ensure longterm happiness and weather the challenges life brings. If you and your "intended" have compatible personalities, there are clear signs-- it is a mutual, unconditional acceptance in which differences are seen as positive; that there is a very noticeable lack of friction and tension; that neither feels a compelling urge to "change" the other; each feels comfortable with the other; as the woman remarked, it's a sense of peacefulness.

People who have a history of chaos in their backgrounds and previous relationships find it hard to recognize this for what it is, and frequently "sabotage" their potential for happiness by dismissing it-- unaccustomed to the absence of chaos, they feel that "something is wrong," "something is missing," and seek out what is familiar. It is not usually a conscious decision; it is based on lack of information and therefore being unable to recognize one's motives. This is why far too many adults-- men as well as women-- develop a pattern of negative, painful relationships: it is simply because they are so accustomed to the negativity that they feel it is "normal," and fail to see "positive" for what it is when it is there.

What causes a person to fully believe that negativity is normal? Dysfunction in one's family-of-origin is the first factor-- if a child's home environment consists of "extremes," of "always something going on," of "all hell breaking loose" on a regular basis, he gains the perspective that this is how a martial relationship and family dynamics are "meant" to be; and, consequently, will go through life with the belief and gut-feeling that a relationship which does not include the factor of "always something going on, always something happening" is somehow missing a necessary ingredient. He or she will feel the compelling need to recreate and continue chaos-- both in terms of seeking out relationships where constant tension and friction exists, as well as creating chaos if it does not exist. When a person is in a position of needing chaos in his life and producing it when it is not there, this is a warning sign that he possesses very little capacity for a successful, healthy relationship-- without acknowledgment and work on this problem, his only options are to either become involved with someone who is equally unhealthy, thereby perpetuating the pattern, or to attempt to draw a healthy person who does not have such tendencies into his life, which is a recipe for disaster.

For those who are fortunate enough to have had basically stable backgrounds, a good relationship based on two individuals with compatible personalities is much easier to embrace, and easier to enjoy, if they are aware of the significance of these qualities. In other words, if you feel comfortable and happy with the person who is in your life, that is the best sign that you are where you should be.