The Secret Weapons of Babies and Toddlers

I think that the government should invest some money into researching a toddler's behavior before it designs its next secret weapon. After all toddlers have warfare down to a science.

From the moment you bring that little of bundle of joy home (while he/she was in the womb if you're the Mom), that baby knew who would be boss (him of course). He spends his first five years defending his position. And he's born fully equipped to take on this mission. Let me explain:

The first weapon of the war between baby and parent is the baby cry. Who can resist that shrill, loud noise that grows with intensity as each second passes? The brave try to ignore it; but it usually breaks them down. The baby knows he's going to win this battle. Whatever the baby wants he is going to get. "Wake up Mommy, I want a bottle or I need changed or I am bored!" Out Mommy trudges from her bed in the middle of the night, and through sleepy eyes; she attempts to figure out what baby wants. The cry is the perfect weapon in the war for control. It is designed to be so unnerving that the child's parents are willing to do anything to make it stop. They surrender easily to its power. Wouldn't it be good for our side if the military could develop a weapon with as much power?

The cry works but not quite as well after a while; so the baby gets a couple of new weapons to add to his arsenal: the coo and the smile. When a parent hears the sweet sound of a baby's coo or they see that smile upon that baby's face; they simply melt. The baby knows he is in charge now. He can make his parents act really silly with just a smile or coo. Of course, the best part comes when the parents try to get him to coo or smile for someone else: the baby never will. It is just too much fun to make other people think that Mom and Dad are seeing things. "What control this little baby has over two grown parents; wouldn't it be great if the military had the same control over our enemy?

When the baby grows up to be a toddler, he adds two new skills to add his arsenal; laser vision and the never ending interrogation. With his perfect vision he is able to tell, from several feet away that his sibling's piece of cake is one fraction of one inch bigger than his. And he loudly proclaims, "It's not fair!" until Mom and Dad surrender and give him another piece. How much more destruction could the military cause to its enemy if only it could harness that vision and attached it to the sites of all of their weapons?

A toddler's interrogation method is second to none. When he learns the word, "Why," he begins a new kind of torture the never ending interrogation of Mom and Dad. Once he has begun a toddler can ask "why' for hours. The military could learn from a toddler when it comes to getting information out of our enemy.

The best skill that a baby has had since the beginning of his life is the art of disguise. When you gaze into the face of a newborn or a toddler you see an innocent human being; so fragile and young. You never see his arsenal of secret weapons or his total control of your life. You just love him and protect him and teach him and continue to delude yourself that you are in charge of him. It is this final skill, the art of disguise, that will always keep the military from finding the secrets that lie behind that innocent face.