The Serenity Prayer-Not Just for Addicts Anymore

At the heart of parenting is the struggle that all parents face at some point, and that is, when to let your child stand on his/her own two feet, and when to rescue. Parents of addicts, in particular, have trouble figuring out where to draw the line between enabling/controlling (bad) and letting go/helping (good), yet finding that line can be the difference between life and death, treatment or continued use of drugs and/or alcohol.

"Enabling" an addict or alcoholic is doing anything that rescues that person from the consequences of his actions, or doing something that more easily allows an addict to continue. In a sense, giving up can be a form of enabling, too.

"Letting go" or "Let Go and Let God" are common phrases in the world of Al Anon and Families Anonymous (national support groups for those struggling with an addicted loved one). Many seem to misinterpret these phrases as giving up. Under the mistaken perception of "letting go," a parent might allow their child to drink or use drugs at home, stay out all night, or generally, not follow the rules, with NO consequences.

No Limits and No Consequences = Giving Up
No Limits and No Consequences ' Letting Go

OK, so now we know what letting go is not, just what is it, what does it look like, how does one do it? To answer this, consider the Serenity Prayer, (attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr):

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

The lines between enabling or controlling and letting go are more easily understood using these guidelines offered in the prayer:

> When I "accept the things I cannot change," I am letting go.

> When I truly find "courage to change the things I can," I am helping and not controlling or enabling.

Here are some situations that show the difference between enabling and letting go:

> When I hand a beer to my addict, I am enabling.

> When I pay my child's fine for charges related to drinking or drugs, I am enabling.

> When I call school to report my teen as sick when she/he is in truth, hung over from drinking, I am enabling.

> When I remove drug paraphernalia from my house, I am changing something that I can, and I am not enabling.

> When I finally come to understand that I cannot stop my teen from drinking or using drugs, I am letting go of what I cannot change.

> When I do not rush to the police station in the middle of the night for the umpteenth time, I am letting go in order to let my child experience the consequences of his/her actions.

Really, if you think about it, The Serenity Prayer makes sense for everyone, and is not just for addicts or Al Anon members. Each of us, whether a parent, a supervisor, a CEO, a teacher, a friend, or a grandparent, can use the serenity prayer as a valuable guide throughout life to learn to accept and find courage to change.

For parents, controlling is almost never a good strategy, while letting go in appropriate ways at appropriate stages of childhood is helpful, positive parenting. Finding the line between helping and controlling is something all parents must do, and continue to do repeatedly, as a child grows and matures.

A toddler learning to walk needs to fall down once in awhile to learn balance, form steady legs, etc. If you save a child from every fall, and not just the dangerous ones, you are controlling. On the other hand, if you allow your child to fall when it is safe, you are helping your child learn to walk.

Let's face it, parenting is a learn-as-you-go experiment. Each child is different, each parent is different, and so whatever parenting techniques you use are experimental; there are no guarantees. This is especially true of parenting a teen addict. I may have learned to "accept the things I cannot change" and found the "courage to change the things I can" in my journey or parenting a teen addict, but I will carry this advice with me from now on. I hope you find serenity, courage, and wisdom, as well.

One last thought from Anne Frank: How true Daddy's words were when he said: "All children must look after their own upbringing." Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.