The Seven Scariest Things on a Plane

Is there anything more terrifying for a germophobe than spending several hours inside an airplane? Creepy seatmates notwithstanding, everything in the cabin seems contaminated with other people's skin cells, bodily fluids or refuse.

Air Vents

The technical term for those little twisty overhead air vents is "Gasper Vents". They're probably so named for the sudden choking gasp heard coming from anyone who looked closely at these things. It was nice that some engineer was paid handsomely to design that anti-skid grip, but the sludge that collects in there is a filth frappe, a repository of communicable diseases. It is amazing that anyone complains about airplane air quality when those vents are so offensive.

Tray Tables

Cheerleader feet, poopy diapers, drool--just three of the things known to grace the surface of those tray tables. Tray tables are places where we're supposed to enjoy a meal (okay, a Diet Coke if we're lucky). When airlines only have 30 minutes to get passengers off, reload, and push from the gate on-time, the last thing flight attendants have time for is bussing tables. They're lucky if they can catch the napkins and newspapers on the floor. It's nauseating to watch a kid eat her gummy bears straight off the tray table. Do inflight first aid kits contain tetanus shots?

Lavatory Floors

The fasten seatbelt sign is on. Turbulence is rocking the plane. The flight attendants don't even dare to stand up. But there's always an anti-gravity businessman who thinks he can handle the magnitude 7.2 turbulence. Imagine the anti-gravity businessman in the lav, ping-ponging off every wall, trying to aim into the toilet bowl. Do you think he made it? Only partly. Next time you see "water" on the bathroom floor, remember Mr. Anti-Gravity and imagine what that fluid is more likely to be.

Seatback Pockets

Seatback pockets might as well have "Trash" embroidered across them. Better yet, the international symbol for "Biohazard" would be suitable. It's the receptacle for snotty tissues, poopy diapers (again), half-eaten sandwiches, even discarded syringes. When flight attendants walk through a dozen times with trash bags, what propels people to leave their garbage in the seatback pocket? It must be like dogs marking their territory. "I paid $49 for this seat, and I'm going to make use of every red cent!" Oh, the humanity.

Windows

Why does it always look like someone smashed a salami sandwich against the airplane windows? Can people not simply look out and enjoy the view? Must they press their greasy cheeks up against the glass? Pass the peroxide, we've got some sterilizing to do.

Headrests

You've got to wonder how many people have acquired head lice from airplane headrests. Or maybe scabies, ringworm or impetigo. Maybe you've noticed those weird, flaky scabs on the scalp of the bald guy in front of you. Who wants to be the next person lay their head against that headrest?

Seat Belts

Vomit. Sneeze particles. Panty crickets from the girl with the too-short miniskirt. You can keep your peanuts, give me the surgical gloves, please, with a side of Lysol.