The Seven Unofficial (and Slightly Sarcastic) Rules of Driving

I really loved living in New York because I rode the train everywhere I needed to go and didn't have to deal with annoying drivers. As I've transitioned to a state where you really have to drive to get around, and as I'm contemplating my next move, I thought it extremely important to communicate the following rules.

1. Do not pace in line with a car that's in the next lane over from you.

It is awkward when a car pulls up next to you as if to pass, but stays lined up with your car for a long stretch. I always feel violated when vehicles do this. Unless you are trying to get someone's attention to inform them of a flat tire or some other problem with their vehicle, don't line up with them when there's enough room for you to be elsewhere.

2. Do not keep secrets.

Don't wait until the last moment possible to turn on your blinker and signal what you intend to do. Don't just forego blinker use altogether either. Let people know what you intend to do on the road, thus keeping yourself and them much safer. Always remember that secrets don't make friends.

3. If you are a grown man, do not paint your car electric purple or any shade of pink.

How do you expect women to take you seriously when you have chosen to paint your SUV electric purple? I've seen this in real life folks. It always seems to be the obnoxious color car drivers who have the guts to roll down their window and try to speak to you. Cease with this madness. Cease immediately.

4. Do not share your music with the whole neighborhood/highway.

The reality is I probably won't care for what you are listening to if you are choosing to listen to it that loud. People who do this are usually playing hard rock or hard rap. Neither appeal to me. If you want to play some Louis Armstrong or some Opera, or some Anthony Hamilton, then perhaps you should share your music on the road, otherwise please turn it down.

5. Stagger your car with the car in the next lane when you pull up at long stoplights.

Don't be THAT creepy guy or girl who pulls up right in line with another car at a stop light and just stares at the other driver. You make us all uncomfortable. There seems to be no level of tinted windows that can keep your socially awkward gazes away.

6. Do not park so close to the next car that they can't comfortably get in or out of their vehicle.

I pulled into a spot in a parking garage one day and before I could exit my vehicle, another woman parked directly to my left. She got out of her car and darted off without even noticing how close she'd parked to me. I had to climb across my car (in a dress) and exit from my passenger's door. Not cute.

7. Keep your hands on the wheel when you have children in your car. I know this rule may sound crazy, but I have seen some REALLY amazing stuff. The following is a disturbing (no one was harmed though), but true story. My friend was driving us to a wedding and as we were on the highway, we passed a car with a twenty-something guy driving a four or five year old girl. The girl had no seatbelt on in the back seat and was moving around quite a bit. She may have been dancing to the music. The driver had neither hand on the wheel because they were both engaged playing a flute. We passed him in utter amazement, too shocked to be disgusted. A few moments later his car caught back up with us and as he was passing, we saw that he no longer had the flute in his hands, he instead had a piece of paper and a pen and was motioning that he wanted to get one of our phone numbers. Yes, you got it guy. The women who are currently watching you endanger a child are gonna hand over their phone number with confidence. Good one.