The Silent Struggle of Coping with Secondary Infertility

It is all to common of a story. You were able to conceive your first child without even trying. You are now trying desperately to conceive your second and nothing is happening. This is a condition known as secondary infertility. A little known fact about secondary infertility is that 60% of infertility cases are in fact cases of secondary infertility. My first child was conceived with no problem, my second a struggle. As many couples who suffer from secondary infertility I kept these problems to myself. I was embarrassed to share with my friends my struggle for fear of being seen as selfish. After all, my two best friends had been trying for years to conceive their first child so how could I be so self-centered to cry over not being able to conceive my second. How could I be so selfish to not accept the wonderful family that I had as enough. What I didn't know is that not only was I suffering, but my husband was suffering too. As we avoid addressing these problems we began to avoid each other. Keeping all of those feelings inside can just make matters worse and make it harder for couples to conceive. I am happy to say that there is help for secondary infertility. You are not alone and there are things you can and should do to cope during this difficult time.

1. Just because it was easy to conceive your first child does not mean that it will easy to conceive your second. If you are under the age of thirty-five and have been trying to conceive for over a year or are over thirty-five and have been trying to conceive for over six months you need to see a fertility specialist.

2. Some women are able to conceive, but are unable to carry the pregnancy to term. If you have been trying to conceive for a year and have had two miscarriages you will need to see a fertility specialist.

3. Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. You need to talk openly and honestly about secondary infertility. Bottling up the issues will make matters worse. The two of you are still the same people that fell in love and created your first child. You need to share your feelings, good and bad, about the situation.

4. Seek couples therapy to help you out during this difficult time. This does not mean you are failing at your marriage, but it does mean that you realize that secondary infertility is a serious issue that you need to address and you are making the health and happiness of your marriage a priority.

5. Join a support group. Several local hospitals offer infertility support groups. It will be beneficial to know that you are not alone during this trying time.

6. Join an Internet support group. It might be hard to meet people face to face, but several websites, including Yahoo groups offer on-line support groups for secondary infertility.

7. You friends and family might not understand what a hard time this is for your immediate family. You need to sit down and talk to them about how you are trying to grow your family, but have not been fortunate enough to do so. Make them understand that this is a serious situation and you are putting your heart and soul into it. Let them know that you need their prayers and support.

8. Talk with your other children about what is going on. What you say will depend on the age level of the child you are talking too. A two year old might not understand, but a five year old will be able to grasp that concept that you are trying to give him or her a baby brother or sister. If you are going through infertility treatments this open honest communication will help your child understand why you have to go to the doctor so frequently. Children have a big imagination and may fear that you are terminally ill or that they are the ones making you sick. You want to ease their fears and explain the situation.

9. Investigate all of your options. Look into domestic adoption, international adoption, and various fertility treatments. Be curious about all of your options and learn everything you can about each of these options.

10. Have a date night. So many times while trying to conceive sex becomes a chore. You and your husband need to have a night alone where sex isn't forced. You need to focus on each other and not on having sex on demand. Explore your romantic and sensual feelings for each other. Get to know each other all over again, and if you do make love don't do it because you have to do it because you want to.

I am happy to report that my husband and I were able to conquer our secondary infertility problem and I am expecting my second child this December.