The Single Person's Guide to Date-Proofing Your Home

Tonight's the big night. You're taking her out for your third date. You've made it through two restaurant dinners without her gagging over the way you inhale your steak. You sat through that chick flick she picked out and didn't make one comment on the female lead's hooters.

On her part, she's overjoyed by the fact that you shared your dessert so she wouldn't feel like a pig for ordering her own. You scored more points when you didn't get upset with her for dripping tears in your popcorn during the sappiest love scene in the movie. The fact that you didn't even notice she was crying because of the female lead's hooters hasn't registered with her just yet.

So you shower, shave, and apply just enough of that cologne she said turns her on. You clean the fast food bags and gum wrappers out of your car. Across town, she's got every outfit in her wardrobe strewn across the bed, and is contorting herself into unlikely positions in a vain attempt to make sure the skirt she's chosen makes her butt look small without causing extra back fat.

This could be it. Tonight could be the night one of you invites the other home. You've sailed through the awkward phone calls and initial dating rituals. Now the time has come to show your potential Mr. or Ms. Right how you live when no one else is looking.

Men and women go all-out when preparing for a date with someone new. Our bodies and our hair are scrutinized mercilessly. We spend so much time worrying about razor burn or finding the perfect push-up bra that we sometimes forget to consider our surroundings.

But eventually the time comes to plan an evening in or invite a date home for a drink and a little snogging. When that time comes, neither the sexiest little black dress or the most gentlemanly behavior will help if your apartment or household sends the other person screaming into the night.

If you want top billing in your love interest's cell phone speed dial, follow these simple tips for date-proofing your house or apartment.

THE BATHROOM

Chances are that at some point during the evening, your date will have to take a leak.

Guys

Remove the newspapers from your bathroom floor. She doesn't need to envision you reading on the throne just yet. It's a reality, but it's not a very sexy one. If you haven't scrubbed the tub, toilet or sink in a month, invest in some Comet and get to work. No, pulling the shower curtain closed doesn't guarantee your soap scum will go undetected. Women are curious creatures, and some of us can't help but sneak a peek.

Most importantly, have toilet paper on hand, preferably on the roll. Maybe you're fine with grabbing a paper towel or a fast food napkin because you keep forgetting to stock up on TP, but your date will like you much better if she can apply Charmin to her dainty backside.

Girls

He loves the fact that you smell so good. But if your bathroom is strewn with more shampoos, scented bath products and perfumes than a department store cosmetics counter, he's going to get nervous. Guys expect us to look and smell high-maintenance without really being that way, and all those bath products scream "princess." He'll either think he's out of your league or wonder what kind of smells you're trying to cover up with all those bottles of body magic.

The same thing goes for makeup. Let him think your radiant skin, shining eyes, and luscious lips come natural. He'll have plenty of time to learn that you get by with a little help from Cover Girl later.

Like it or not, girls, we can be slobs too. Make sure the fact that you shaved your legs for the first time in four days just to go on this date isn't evident by the bits of hair clinging to your tub. Our monthly visitor is a fact of life, but he doesn't need to be reminded of it by the tampon box on the floor. That's what the cabinet is for.

READING MATERIAL

There's no more interesting way to learn about someone than to browse what's on their bookshelf or take a gander at the magazines on their coffee table.

Guys

Leave your car and outdoor magazines where they are. If she can't accept that hot rods with loud engines or entire days spent waiting for a fish to nibble a slimy worm on a hook are big parts of your life, then the relationship won't work anyway.

But if your entire living room is littered with wrestling magazines and the year's entire collection of "Maxim," you might want to gather them up and pile them in the back of your closet.

Girls

Take that copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" off your coffee table and hide it in a drawer. While you're at it, stash "He's Just Not That IntoYou" there along with it. Pop psychology dating advice is entertaining to read, but you do want him thinking you invest that much time in trying to understand men?

There's nothing wrong with whiling away the occasional evening with a sappy romance novel or even a steamy bodice ripper. But these types of books tend to make a man squirm. He'll be wondering if you're going to expect him to use phrases like "throbbing love sword" when you finally move to the bedroom. Be especially wary of anything with Fabio on the cover.

THE FRIDGE

There's always the chance that you'll want to offer your date a drink or a snack. If you're lucky, you might even want to make breakfast in the morning.

Guys

You might get by just fine on a case of beer, a jar of peanut butter and a collection of half-empty condiment containers. After all, meals are what takeout is for.

But if she goes looking for a drink and finds nothing but cheap beer and a jar of mayonnaise, she's going to wonder if you're just trying to find a woman to cook for you. Stock up on the basics so that your fridge doesn't scream "help me" when she opens it.

Girls

Is your fridge full of tofu, veggies, low-fat yogurt and mineral water? That's all well and good. But if the man you bring home craves the occasional meat and potatoes meal, your organic collection of edibles might make him think you're the type who will scowl when he nukes a hot dog or craves a cheeseburger.

HOME DECOR

We leave little bits and pieces of our private lives all over our homes.

Guys

Tuck away the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit or Playmate calendar. Of course we all look and fantasize. It's human nature. But if she happens to glance up at the wall and find herself face-to-face with a supermodel, she'll start obsessing about the death by chocolate you split for dessert and the state of her own thighs. Save your fantasy girls for when the time comes that she knows you love her for her mind.

Hide the beer pyramids, too.

Girls

Okay, so you like frills and lace and things that smell good. There's nothing wrong with that. But a general rule of thumb is that if your home looks and smells like it could be part of a "Summer's Eve" commercial, a man is going to feel like he just doesn't belong there.

ROOMMATES

Many singles have them. Unlike our personal belongings, they can't be stuffed in the closet when we have guests.

Guys

If your roomie spends his evenings sitting on the couch scratching himself, belching and watching porn, you might want to spend a little extra cash to check him into a Motel 6 for the night.

If his dirty underwear has become a science experiment on your bathroom floor or his dishes are growing micro-universes in your sink, you might want to do something about it. Sure, you would rather ignore it than clean up after him. It's not your fault he's a pig. But if you leave such roommate treasures out in plain sight, you run the risk of not being able to convince her that those filthy tightie whities aren't yours.

Girls

If your roommate just broke up with her boyfriend and thinks all men are evil, send her on a shopping spree or a trip to a day spa.

There's no quicker way to send a man running than to leave him in the living room with a gal who's mainlining ice cream and asking him to explain why all guys cheat, lie and pick up tramps in bars.

THE BEDROOM

It's where we all hope to end up eventually. It's also the destination that can put the quickest end to an evening if not handled with care

Guys

If you haven't washed your sheets in a month and your pillowcase is the Spider Man one you've had since 8^th grade, hit the local Wal-Mart before your date.

Also make sure to remove all pizza boxes, crusty plates and empty cans from your bedroom. They say true love is when the other person doesn't mind you leaving cracker crumbs in bed, and that may be true. But cracker crumbs are a far cry from that half-eaten moldy sandwich on your nightstand.

Girls
If you've decorated the vanity on your nightstand with pictures of your ex complete with devil horns and red lipstick, you might want to tuck them away. Your collection of stuffed animals may be cute and even endearing in moderation. But if you've got enough Beanie Babies to start a zoo, you might come off as a bit obsessive.

As a society, we're much more open about sex toys than we've ever been. Home Interior and Mary Kay parties have been replaced by events where you can gather in a friend's living room and purchase lotions, lingerie and vibrators.

Most men appreciate a girl with an open mind. But that doesn't mean he wants to see your battery-operated-boyfriend the first time he's in your bedroom. Hide it well, or he'll be wondering how he'll ever compete with something that can do that.

IT'S OKAY TO BE YOU

For a relationship to work, your partner needs to know if you're a slob, a collector of Strawberry Shortcake or Star Wars figurines, a reader of smut or someone who lives on takeout. A guy will eventually find out that a girl uses Nair to get rid of unwanted facial hair. A girl will learn quickly that her boyfriend's mom still comes over and does his laundry.

That doesn't mean we need to learn all that the first time we visit a date's home. There's something to be said for a bit of mystique.

Authors Note: Yes, I know that some women build beer pyramids and leave dirty clothes all over the house. I've been known to do both myself. I also know that some men read pop psychology books and have well-stocked refrigerators. I also don't really believe that all women have houses full of lace, frills, romance novels, cosmetics and sex toys. Nor do I necessarily think that all men live on takeout and while away their solitary evenings with Playboy magazines, belly-button lint and the remote.

But by presenting the sexes in the most stereotypical way possible, I hope to make life easier for us all. Your home can't be nearly as bad as what I've presented here. So flash your most confident grin and invite your date in for a cocktail.

Unless, of course, you've got a roommate like one of the ones I've described. Then all bets are off.