The Six Types of Single Women: A Survival Guide for Men

There are no awesome women left in this world. Much like the condor, the dinosaur, and Britney Spears' dignity, they have been driven from existence. Yes, plenty of cool-tastic women do still exist, but they're either married or lesbians or some combination of the two. This is a fact that we single, world-class men have come to accept over time. It's sort of like having cancer of the brain, bones, eyes, and left nostril - you know you're going to bite it, but at least you can skydive sans parachute with a smile on your face and the wind in your thinning hair. We are all that is left, Men of America. What still eludes us, however, is exactly what types of single women still roam around out there. We've always known their purpose - to spread soul-withering misery before passing from this mortal plane - but it's been hard to predict exactly how each woman would employ the blackest of arts. Well, Men, today that will all change. I have tangled with the beast, cracked its code, and can now forewarn you about the varieties of she-demon you can expect to face. Get out your pen and paper, kiddies! Here's what we Men have left to pick from:

1) The Princess: self-absorbed and lazy, this variety earns nothing yet feels entitled to everything. Generally glitters or sparkles in some fashion (it's how they attract mates - DO NOT FALL FOR THIS). Boasts a powerful Forcefield of Superiority, looking down her deceptively cute nose at others, despite the fact that her own life is as messy as an Arkansas trailer park after tornado season. Vicious and territorial, with sharp venomous claws (though these are only used against other women). Enjoys drama in all forms.

2) The Douche-Seeking Missile: cute and can be fun - this specimen has some positive things going for her, and may have actually achieved something in her life. But, as wise Admiral Ackbar famously warned, it's a trap! Why? Because, for reasons known only by Throndarr, Lord of the Underworld, she cannot resist dating every lame, mooching loser she meets. If you're not a "project", i.e. if you have your life together and know how to conduct yourself, guess what - you fail! Because that's boring and therefore beneath her notice. After all, how can you spend all day fawning over her when your life is productive and fulfilling? Men of America, if you're a glutton for misery and absolutely must have one of these (I know, they're pretty hot), only one way exists. Sell your luxury sedan and all your suits, buy a junked out old Harley, and call her at 3 a.m. so she can bail you out of jail after getting in a bar fight with a Bandito named Juarez.

3) The Terminal Nottie: usually a pretty nice girl, and fun to hang out with. In fact, since she can't rely on looks to snag a mate, she's had to develop a winning personality. This breed is cunning, sometimes wooing males with a love for Monty Python and video games (hey, some Men like that kind of thing.....I mean....hey, shut up!). But the darkness is lurking far under her surface. The problem? She refuses to take care of herself and manages to blame everything BUT laziness for her appearance/weight issues. It's never her problem - other girls are TOO fixed up or skinny and must have an eating disorder (never mind that they exercise and comb their hair on a regular basis), or she has "bad genes" or a "thyroid problem", and men are just shallow pigs for wanting someone with enough dignity and self-respect to manage her health. This one may even lie and say she PREFERS being this way. Beware, for a lie of this magnitude may shatter realities with the power of Absurd. The fortunate thing about her is....well, she can't exactly hide. You'll see her coming. When you do, just shield yourself with a treadmill or something and she'll never sense your presence.

4) The Attention Whore: she's always busy "finding herself", whatever that lame existential crap means. When Men want to find ourselves, we go to the mirror, point and say, "Heeeey, there you are, sexy!" In any case, she's totally into her "journey of self-discovery", like she's a new planet or something. However, she's more than happy to encourage and accept any attention a guy gives. She flirts, she calls, she texts, she basically treats you like a boyfriend. But when you want more, she's suddenly "not looking for a relationship", and oh you must have misinterpreted how she's called you every night and confided in you and made out with you fifty or sixty times. Then she moves on to her next victim, leaving you to wonder what just happened. Take heed, gentlemen - this specter of darkness leaves the widest, most devastating trail in her wake. Just follow behind her and you'll see shattered bodies of our brothers strewn among the wreckage, whispering "I was so close" or "She'll come around, I know it". There is no defense except to turn and run. Yes, turn and run like an enraged rabbit!

5) The Liberated Woman: militant and overtly evil, everything traditional is beneath her dignity. Trying to be a gentleman and hold the door open? Better shield that crotch, son! Enjoy women that cook? Watch for sharp things flying at your head! Because the Liberated Women is highly offended, and now knows for certain that you're a misogynistic barbarian (granted, we are, but for entirely different reasons). Here's the twist, Men - despite her proclamations of disdain for all things domestic, this brand of woman will still feel threatened when it turns out you're a better cook then every female she knows. Of course we can cook, ladies! You certainly don't anymore, and man cannot live on Ramen alone (if he enjoys avoiding heart failure). This one is usually bitter and prickly, wearing her hatred like a badge. They're easy to spot, so if you fall for one it's your own fault.

6) The Illusionist: she's one of the above archetypes, or a combination of several. Because if there's one thing more powerful than Evil, it's a cocktail of several Evils blended together in a Whore Smoothie from Hell Island. But as she's read this article, steam has been slowly rolling from her ears. She's getting offended, righteously indignant, making assumptions about the Man who wrote it (usually wrong) so she can dismiss it and continue living in her bubble of denial. Because if it's someone else's problem, she doesn't have to change. Nor will she, since plenty of unsuspecting Men (a.k.a. Men who ignore my wisdom) fall for her wiles on a daily basis. By this point in the lesson, you should be able to smell this one coming.

That's it, dudes. These are the only ones left. Might as well just kick back and open a beer, because it's going to be a lonely year. Anyone want to kill some aliens? It's Halo 3 time!