The Skinny Person's Guide to Eating like a Fat Kid at a Buffet

Are you looking to shell a little money for a lot of food? Do you come from a large family and need to stretch your food budget on a vacation? Or do you maybe just come from a rather obese family and eating at buffets just comes natural to you? WELL THEN, this little piece of writing might be able to guide you on life's pleasure's on stuffing your face. As I, a buffet veteran for twenty years tries to give you - the skinny people - the insider's guide on the world of buffets:

Location, Location, Location: Only in America! How many other countries boast, "eat until you can't anymore," while so many other countries suffer from hunger? Ah well, so if you plan to visit a touristy town, chances are you will find a variety of buffet restaurants. You got your two big chains - Ryan's and Golden Corral (also commonly known as the Golden Colon since you will be blocked for a while.).

Now, the Golden Corral has a dinner bell they ring when fresh desserts come out and they are also not stingy on their napkins - as there is a dispenser at your table. But you know what is also on your table at the Corral? Imitation "Golden Corral" brand steak sauce. WHERE IS THE A1?! Now, if you go to Ryan's, the A1 will be there, but no glitz or glam for neither a dinner bell nor the abundance of napkins. IN FACT, you will more than likely look like a slob asking for some. So if you are on a vacation, stay clear of these locales - since you can eat at the smaller family buffet restaurants for the interesting people to watch and even more so interesting meals.

Speaking of which, be on the lookout for what restaurant you think will best meet the needs of you to pig out on. OH, and by the way, don't feel bad walking back to your table with an overflowing plate of meats and three different styles of potatoes and cheese dishes. Instead, embrace the big plate, and stare back at the large families gathered around at their tables. At least YOU are in some sort of shape, the other people need to flop their Dunlop gut over the table so that they can reach their plates. Also, be on the look out for seafood buffets that boast a large item selection. Typically, the larger the selection the more you'll pay for it. OH and be even more careful of the seafood buffets that have exquisite dishes such as Alaskan snow crab legs. Unless you are an extremely die hard sea food fanatic - be aware of these places as you will lose this battle.

And my final speech about the locations, you might want to try and check out what food they offer in their "all you can eat line." Also be careful that their isn't a mirror behind their food to make it oh so deceitfully appear there is more than meets the eye. That is actually a marketing gimmick to make you want to buy their enormous selections to begin with. OH and if you love Asian food, NEVER buy "American style" food there. Yeah I know - there is no such thing as American food, since we are such a melting pot. So how's this - stick to your roots on where you are going to go. If you think you can squeeze in a slice of pizza on top of all that lo mein you just had - bad idea! I've always melt that these buffet chefs aren't too aware on getting this food just right. Instead, you will be eating greasy impersonations of what you can really have in other buffets. In final words, if you are going to an all you can eat steak house - don't wonder how good their sweet and sour chicken will taste - you will pay for it later.

Buffet etiquette: Ha! Like that huh? Pretty catchy? Well, think about HOW you are going to eat, not so much WHAT you are going to eat when you arrive. The best buffet places are when the plates are in abundance. It is against some health codes for you to reuse the same plate when you go back up in line. If you are lucky, you will get a pretty good server whose sole function is to refill your drinks and more plates. And if you are server out there, if you can't do this job you are just a S.A.L. (sucks at life). No offense to my brother Sal btw. So if you are at the mercy of a sucky server, pace yourself and don't rush. The food isn't going to go anywhere.

Now how about while you are waiting to get your food? Here are some quick tips:

If a food tray is looking fairly low, wait a little while and come back. It will be refilled with fresh, hot and more than likely, less germs.

NEVER get behind children who are unattended on the buffet line. If a manager is doing their job, NO child should be by themselves at the buffet line. Mainly due to predatorial obese-o-philes but also for the kids that will drop a serving device into the food and have no problem picking it back up with their bare hands- blah and who knows when the last time they washed their chubby lil digits.

Be patient for others. It is pretty difficult to fill a ladle with gravy and get it underneath the sneeze guard but without it dripping on the other foods.

Try to find out the "flow of traffic" while waiting in line. Don't be that annoying fat guy that butts in and cuts everybody because they can't wait for their awesome meatloaf. Instead, either wait it out and eyeball the situation, or you can always place it safe and start near the corner where the plates might be stored.

How to eat at your buffet: So you know how to do it now right? Well, some of you might become tooooo overwhelmed with all of that food and your stomach only being able to store so much. Well, here are some of my final tips to make sure you can get the biggest bang for your belly.

Start in a corner and work your way up. Traditionally, the salad bar will be located the furthest away from the desserts and all of the other great dishes. I always try to get a nice big heaping plate of salad to help prepare my stomach for the onslaught later. And don't go crazy with the toppings like the bacon, cheese and croutons (nor even the super fatty and oily dressing) - these will more than likely get you bloated or fill you up too quick.

Those delicious "complimentary" honey buns that Ryan's offers you are a scheme to get you to fill up ASAP. So be weary of all bread products while eating at the buffet. Forget about your traditional rolls or biscuits or even cheesy garlic bread. Instead, maybe just limit yourself to just one so that you will not fill up later.

Try a little bit of everything. What is the harm if you don't like the food on your plate - you can always get more and throw it away. Don't feel guilty either, that you are "wasting your food." I feel buffets are a waste to begin with considering the amount of food that gets wasted and thrown away each day. But there are only soooo many ways you can cook a potato - so watch out for overloading yourself on the baked potato, the mashed taters and gravy, the sweet potatoes and the French fries. That starch will pop you.

What are you drinking? Some of the sodas will fill you up too quick and you just might be too tempted by the free refills. Water is probably your best choice, but it too might fill you up if you drink too much.

The very second you feel yourself getting full - throw in the towel and forget all of those side dishes and the meat carving station. Instead, save room for the desserts. I mean c'mon, how many places will let you get jell-o, a piece of cake, some pie AND an ice cream sundae.