The Smart Babe's Guide to Post-Season Baseball

Ladies: maybe you've never watched a baseball game in your life (or you don't get what the big deal is about a bunch of overpaid steroid cases hitting a little ball with a stick) and somebody invites you and your Significant Other over to watch "the big game." Frankly, you'd rather hit yourself in the head with a stick, but if you want to be a good sport, look impressive, or not spend the whole time in the kitchen listening to somebody's pregnancy from hell story while you get the guys beer and sandwiches, read on.

KNOW THE TERRAIN

Before we get to the rules of the game, let's talk briefly about the overall structure of Major League Baseball. The teams are divided into two leagues: American and National.
Each league is split into three divisions: Eastern, Central and Western.

A normal Major League Baseball season consists of a sometimes mind-numbing (and butt-numbing) 162 games. The team that finishes the season with more wins than any of the other teams in its division is said to have won, or "clinched" their division. This means that this team is eligible to spray each other with champagne, jump up and down like little boys at Christmas, then move on to the playoffs, or as it's also known, "the post-season."

When there were only two divisions, Eastern and Western, the playoffs were much less complicated. The best in the East played the best in the West for the League Championship (also called "winning the pennant.") Then the League Champion in the American and National Leagues played each other in the World Series for all the marbles, which includes bragging rights, a parade (or a riot, depending on the city), a flag to hang from your stadium's rafters, not to mention a spiffy, diamond-encrusted commemorative ring.

But then so many new teams were being formed (called "expansion teams") that the playoffs wouldn't be fair with only two divisions in each league. The Central Division was added, but then that would make the playoff structure lopsided. Another division was needed to "even up the playing field," so to speak. So in 1995, some bigwig dreamed up the "wild card division." (or, more precisely, stole the concept from football.) This division only exists in post-season play, and it consists of the teams with the second-best records in each regular-season division. Now a Division Champion is determined first, and the Division Champions play for the League Championship, and so on.

The interesting thing about the wild card is that a team could theoretically make the playoffs without winning their regular-season division. In the 2002 season, two wild card teams played each other in the World Series. This gives those "almost" teams that in the past have blown off the remainder of the season once they were knocked out of contention a reason to stay competitive.

So within each League, the "top of the heap" in the Eastern, Western, Central and wild card divisions battle it out to win the pennant. This is done in a number of playoff series that are complicated enough to make your head spin around. This madness starts October 3. And trust me, even guys who are into baseball are asking how this works. One of them even asked me. Anyway, the winning team in the Division playoffs must take three out of five games in order to move on.

But rest easy, those of you who think a wild card team could come along and wipe out your division-leading favorites in the division playoffs: through yet another set of complex rules regarding home-field advantage, this is not possible.

Don't even ask what happens when wild card division playoff series ends in a tie. It would take a degree from Cal Tech and a Ouija board to parse out what happens then.

Anyhow, once the dust settles from the Division Championships we're left with our two teams from each League that play each other for the Pennant in a series starting October 15. A team would have to win four games out of seven to take the League Championship, then those teams would play each other in the World Series, another "best of seven" series which is scheduled to begin October 21. The World Series has been known to last until Thanksgiving or until icicles form from the end of the pitcher's nose. Just kidding. It only seems that way.

KNOW THE RULES

Let's get into a little bit about how the game works, which is a lot less complicated than how the playoffs work.

A regulation baseball game consists of nine innings. In each inning, the visiting team bats first (called the "top" of the inning), and the home team bats second (called the "bottom" of the inning). So when, for example, someone says it's the bottom of the fifth, it means that the home team is at bat in the fifth inning. Whichever team has scored more runs by the end of the ninth inning wins. If the score is tied, they play extra innings. If that happens, you will need more beer.

A team is allowed to have 25 players total for the post-season, but they can only have nine active players on the roster at any one time. When a team comes up to bat, they get three outs per inning.

These are the most common ways a batter can be called out:

• He can strike out. This means he's either swung at a pitch and missed, hit a ball foul or didn't swing when the pitch was delivered into the strike zone (an imaginary (and, depending on the umpire, arbitrary) box the height of which is the distance between the batter's knees and the letters on his uniform jersey, and the width of home plate). Three strikes and the batter is out. But a foul ball hit when a batter has two strikes doesn't count as the third strike. This is why you'll see batters up at the plate for what seems like forever, fouling off ball after ball. He's either waiting for a good pitch to hit, or else trying to increase the pitcher's pitch count. (It's become common practice for the manager to take some pitchers out once they've thrown a hundred pitches) Either way, this is called "working the count." It's a handy term to throw around when you want to sound impressive. (As in "damn, that guy can really work the count.")

• He can ground out. This means he hits the ball on the ground, a fielder picks it up and throws the ball to the first baseman before the runner can reach the base. (or second base if he's hit the ball far and is running to second base, etc.) This includes getting thrown out in a double play. In a convention double play, a batter hits a ball on the ground when there's a base runner on first. The ball is scooped up by an infielder, thrown to second base to get the existing base runner out, then thrown to first (hopefully) in time to get the batter out. If the team you're rooting for is at bat and someone hits into a double play, this is bad. Your team get two outs for the price of one. It's also a good time to groan and then go get another beer.

• He can fly out. This means a player in the field catches a batted ball before it hits the ground. Many batters have a pattern of where they tend to hit the ball, which can vary depending on whether he's facing a left-handed or right-handed pitcher. (this is what an announcer means when he says that a batter is a "pull hitter" or that he "hits to the opposite field") Managers and smart players study these patterns. So fielders will usually position themselves to take best advantage of where a batter normally hits. If the fielder has to run a long way to get to the ball, it often means that the fielder has "mis-played the batter." Point this out to guys and they might be getting YOU a beer.

Common ways a batter can get on base:

• "Hit 'em where they ain't." The batter hits a ball that an outfielder either can't catch, or one that gets by the infielders. The batter runs counterclockwise around the bases, and depending on where the ball lands and how it's fielded, stops at whichever base he thinks he can reach safely. If a player tries to run a base too far and gets thrown out, just shake your head and say, "he got greedy."

• A batter gets hit by a pitch. He's automatically granted first base. And an ice pack, if he's a wimp.

• A batter gets four balls (pitches outside the strike zone), called a walk, and he's granted first base and kudos for knowing how to "work the count."

• A batter hits the ball in the air so far that it clears the outfield fence (in fair territory). Then it's a home run and the batter has to run the base paths, touching every base until he reaches home plate, and a run is scored. Any batter who is on base when the home run is hit gets to score a run, too. While there is no equivalent to football's "touchdown dance" in baseball, some of the guys get pretty creative congratulating each other in the dugout. It's still one of the few opportunities for grown men to touch each other in public.

When the three outs are reached, the players switch places. The batting team takes the field and the team in the field prepares to bat.

KNOW THE TEAMS

The "hot" teams of the 2006 season (based on standings as of 9/23/06):

American League
• Eastern Division - It's the New York Yankees all the way. They're the perennial team to beat, and they look great this year, especially now that they've shored up their relief pitching (the guys who are called in when the starters lose their mojo.)
• Central Division -In a last minute surge, the Detroit Tigers are kicking the Minnesota Twins' butts
• Western Division - Barring any end-of-season disasters, the Oakland A's have this division in their back pocket.
• Wild Card Division - Minnesota is the favorite for this slot, with the Chicago White Sox a few steps behind them.

National League
• Eastern Division - The New York Mets own this one. They were the first team to clinch, and this is the first time they've taken their division since 1988. (Can you tell that I'm a fan?)
• Central Division - St. Louis is running away with this baby.
• Western Division - The Los Angeles Dodgers and the San Diego Padres are battling it out to be the best in the West. The Padres are currently on top, but the Dodgers are one tough team to beat, and for the most part, have had the Mets' number all season.
• Wild Card Division -The Philadelphia Phillies and Los Angeles Dodgers are in closest contention to be this league's wild card team.

This should be enough to get you started. If you're interested in learning the complete rules of baseball or a guide to all the players and their team's standings, peruse the Major League's official web site (URL below).

Also, you might find this list of impressive baseball terms useful when you're cracking open beers and bags of chips with the guys:

• "The bags are juiced" - Bases are loaded. Good for us, bad for them.
• "Full count" - The batter has three balls and two strikes on him. If there are men on base and the batter has a full count, it would be safe to say that everyone will be running on this pitch.
• "He'll be swinging away on this one" - When a batter's count is three balls and no strikes, the odds are extremely good that he'll swing at the next pitch. Unless..
• "He'll be taking all the way" - If the batter's count is three balls and no strikes and the pitcher isn't very good, odds are the player will try to get a walk.
• "He'll be bunting for sure" - Normally a pitcher will bunt (a way of hitting the ball by holding the bat horizontally and just meeting the ball so it only rolls a few feet away from home plate) to move base runners up because most pitchers aren't very good hitters.

Good luck, and I hope your team wins!

And if you live in the Boston area, it is always safe to say, "Yankees Suck!" no matter which teams are playing.