The Songs I'd like Played at My Funeral

Throughout the years I've given this subject more thought than the eventual cause of my demise. I have no control over my exit from this planet and whether it will be quick or slow, but I can make sure that I have the perfect funeral. Key to its success will be my choice of music.

However, I know that it will not be met with universal approval. During life, my friends and family have never been shy of criticizing my record collection. I've decided I don't care what they think, you only die once. Even though I'll be there in body and not in spirit, the church will resound to my musical tastes.

Selecting the songs has been quite a tricky task as my preferences have altered over the years. In my early 20's I played guitar in an incredibly unsuccessful unsigned pop band. I wanted our songs to be played at my funeral. This may have generated some much needed publicity for my former band mates, and a packed congregation would've been our biggest audience. That idea went up in a puff of smoke when we disbanded.

Early 70's Queen loomed large at one point, and for a short while I wouldn't have objected to the pall bearers carrying me out of the chapel to MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This.'

After a lot of list making, head scratching and ransacking of my record collection, I have now selected my definitive list*

O FORTUNA. The most famous movement from Carl Orff's Carmina Burana. It's an incredibly powerful and haunting piece of music. The only problem with its selection for a funeral is that it's forever associated with the Omen films. I fear it might finish off some of the elderly people in the congregation when they hear the opening bars. Oh well, you've got to go sometime.

COSMIC DANCER. Frankly any Marc Bolan song will do, the guy was a genius. This has such a beautiful melancholy feel to it, that it always makes me cry. Some of the lyrics are appropriate too; "I danced myself into the tomb, I danced myself into the tomb. Is it strange to dance so soon? I danced myself into the tomb." There shouldn't be a dry eye in the house.

I'VE GOT TO GET A MESSAGE TO YOU. One of the finest songs by the Bee Gees and another one that makes me shed a manly tear. If there's anyone left in the congregation who isn't crying by this point in the service, then surely the line 'One more hour and my life will be through' should wring out some tears from the emotionally dead, cold- hearted souls.

THE AIR THAT I BREATHE. Terrific melody and the last major hit for The Hollies. In my juvenile way it also makes me chuckle to think that everybody in the church will be joining in with the chorus, "All I need is the air that I breathe "

* This sentence does not constitute a contract and is subject to change by me at any minute should a) my musical tastes undergo a rapid change or b)MC Hammer ever resurrects his music career.