The Soundtrack of a Relationship

That's a line from a song called "Dancing on My Own" by Swedish singer Robyn. It's one of those songs that struck a chord with me when I first heard it back last summer and I've been listening to it ever since. Though it's a dance/pop song, it's got a rather serious theme; that of a girl who's forced to bear witness to the budding romance between a beloved ex and his new love in a small town. The song didn't get much airplay, so when we danced to it, I was surprised to hear him belt out that line with such feeling.

"I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh, oh ,oh..."

I smiled from ear to ear. I thought I was the only one who knew that song. It was one of those first little things I'd noticed that made him seem special. Ours was a short lived relationship, too short, but as with most of the relationships I've had in my life, music has played a key part. I believe that every relationship has a soundtrack, and this one was no exception. As two people to whom music carries a lot of meaning, the soundtrack of our relationship is full of significance, from start to finish.

On the day that we met, he'd made a post on his Facebook status that simply read "Raise Your Glass." That was before our first encounter. Pink's latest big hit seemed an appropriate title for our beginning, for it was indeed worthy of a toast.

After dancing to that Robyn song, I learned that he, too, had been a big fan. He'd even seen her in concert recently and fell in love with her music, as I had. Some of the songs from her "Body Talk" series became a part of our soundtrack, all songs with a special line or two that carried meaning into our relationship.

There's the song "Hang With Me", about fresh lovers trying to define their budding relationship. She's telling him that he's okay in her book, that he can "hang" with her and see where it goes. The song is very melodic and hopeful in its lyrics:

"If you do me right, I'm gonna do right by you. And if you keep it tight, I'm gonna confide in you."

He introduced me to another Robyn song which I hadn't known before. I'd probably skipped it for its classical sound, with violins as the musical accompaniment, but once I took a listen I found it to be splendid and beautiful. As our relationship moved forward the song took on a special meaning, too. It's all about diving in wholeheartedly, and that's just what I did:

"I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before. I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible."

There's another song on this soundtrack that I introduced to him. To me, it's one of the most beautiful songs ever written. The song is called "Glitter in the Air" and it was written and performed by Pink. The lyrics are a fantasy of sorts, a series of questions about life and about love. I once made him a card and put all of the words down inside:

"Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?

Closed your eyes and trust it, just trust it?

Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?"

And we did...

Of course, for a relationship to have ended, not all of the songs to the soundtrack had to have been hopeful and happy. After about a month or so, it became evident that a previous relationship had taken a heavy toll on him. Though he'd kept his inner feelings mostly to himself, I was aware that he was confused. He'd assured me, and I believed him, that that was not a place he'd had a desire to go to again, but it still caused me concern.

Around the time of this revelation, Rhanna's "Loud" was released, and it contained a very morose song that carried separate meanings for the two of us. The song's called "Complicated" and the lyrics speak for themselves:

"You're not easy to love. You're not easy to love, oh...

Why is everything with you so complicated?

Why do you make it hard to love you while I hate it?

Cause if you really wanna be alone, I would throw my hands up cause baby I tried

But everything with you is so complicated. Why, oh why?"

I remember one day, not long after this came out, he played it over and over again. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking as he listened to the song. At the same time, I couldn't help but relate the same words to myself regarding him:

"Sometimes I get you, sometimes I don't understand..."

In the end, it was Robyn once again who put it all into perspective. One of the songs off of "Body Talk, Part 3", which was released sometime towards the end of our relationship, spoke to him. After we'd broken up, I unfriended him on Facebook and the video for the song, "Get Myself Together" was the last post I'd ever see on his page.

"It's all over like steps in the first snow

Something's been building up and it's gonna blow.

My momma called me last night, she said when nothing else fits

Pick up the pieces and move on."

And that's exactly what he did. For the last few weeks that we were together, things were building up inside of him. Events in his life leading up to that fateful day brought everything to a head and he concluded that the only way to get himself together was to move on from what we had, to end our relationship. It was like the song was written by him:

"Can't tell what's going wrong

I wish there's something could be done...

When this hurt is gone

I've got, got to get myself together."

So that's the final song in the soundtrack of this relationship. Though I understand his decision in some way, of course I don't agree. I can't help but wish that things were different. They looked different from my perspective, anyway, but I have no control over that. I look once again to "Indestructible" with regret:

"And I never was smart with love

I let the bad ones in and the good ones go..."

As with "Complicated", I've tried to apply the words to "Get Myself Together" to my own life. Once I get over this hurt, I need to get myself together again. This relationship has taught me a lot of things, and left me with lots of questions, too. Music serves all sorts of purposes. Sometimes it can fuel your happiness, and other times it feeds your melancholy. Right now it's painful to listen to any of these songs, but sometimes I just can't help it.

Check out the songs mentioned in this article below:

Raise Your Glass - Pink

Hang With Me - Robyn

Indestructible - Robyn

Glitter in the Air - Pink

Complicated - Rhianna

Get Myself Together - Robyn

Please see also:

The One That Got Away